Fact: Ohio State is 12-0 in games that featured the "Get Dumped Then" Skull Session suffix, which means today is a bad day to be a Hokie.
*inserts Loko IV into jugular*
This season is about to be electric. Some fans like to bite their nails and fret about the sky falling. I'm already sick of these people, and the season hasn't even started yet.
Sure, the odds are stacked against Ohio State, but it's like Wayne Woodrow Hayes once crunkenly tweeted in 1828: "ANYTHING EASY AIN'T WORTH A DAMN."
If Ohio State goes down, then I plan on going with them the only way I know how: With a caffeinated FourLoko in one hand and an unregistered, semi-automatic pistol in the other. (Ironically enough, that's also how you'll find me if Ohio State wins its second title in as many years.)
Why worry? I watched this sport's opening weekend, and my only question was, "Y'all call this football?" Shiiiiiiit, these scrubs better step aside and let Mickey Marotti's gaggle of aliens glow before somebody gets their feelings hurt.
Today's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS, sponsored by Americans working on Labor Day:
- Stone Cold returns to save the WWF from the WCW/ECW alliance.
- The Ikea Hog Farmer.
- The Player Hater's Ball (Outtakes).
- Bill Burr destroys Steve Jobs.
- Lil Boosie - Retaliation.
HOKIE DOSSIER. It's wise to know your enemy:
- Full preview.
- Players to watch.
- The Roundtable, featuring Eric, Citro, and yours truly.
- Former Ohio State recruiting targets that ended up as Hokies.
- Film Study: Beating the Bear.
- A conversation with The Key Play.
- Film Study: Shutting down Virginia Tech's versatile TE, Bucky Hodges.
- REMEMBER REMEMBER THE SIXTH OF NOVEMBER.
CUTE LIL STADIUM YOU GOT THERE, VIRGINIA TECH. Specific shoutout to the Virginia Tech students that will start drinking at 6 a.m., because they'll be passed out by 2 p.m. Will they wake up from their alcohol-induced coma in time to redeem their ticket? I'm not cheering for it.
“I can’t even imagine,” said Tech assistant coach Shane Beamer. “I get chills thinking about it, to be honest with you. There’s nothing like Lane Stadium at night. You take Lane Stadium at night, with everything surrounding this game, so you can multiply it by a billion what it will be like.”
Since the start of the 1996 season, the Hokies have posted a 48-3 mark at home against nonconference opponents. But they’ve never hosted a foe like this. Ohio State is the first No. 1 team in the nation to visit Lane Stadium since Miami in 2001. The Hurricanes won that game 26-24. They also came to Blacksburg as the top-ranked team in 1992, winning 43-23.
Overall, Tech is 0-8 against teams ranked No. 1.
I'll say this much: I'm glad Ohio State isn't breaking in a new QB and four new offensive line starters this time around.
Other than that, no American stadium can be described as raucous when the home team is down three touchdowns in the fourth quarter.
#QBGEDDON SETTLED. The most competitive position battle in Ohio State history has concluded, and the winner knows he's the man.
ROANOKE, Va. – Urban Meyer is sticking to his plan of not announcing who the Ohio State starting quarterback is going to be before kickoff of the season opener Monday night at Virginia Tech, but the coach said he already has let J.T. Barrett and Cardale Jones know.
“They handled it great,” Meyer told reporters upon arrival Sunday afternoon of the top-ranked Buckeyes here at their team hotel, some 40 miles east of VT’s Lane Stadium in Blacksburg. “Both of them are ready to go.”
“They’re pulling for each other,” Meyer said.
I'm a founding member Cardale Jones' vanguard, but even I will be shocked if J.T. Barrett isn't the starter. However, I still expect Jones to play a role and have an impact on the 2015 team.
It it takes a special breed to befriend a man that's literally trying to take your dreams from you, and this competition could've easily fractured a lesser team. That clearly didn't happen, and that's a testament to both men and this coaching staff.
CHARLIE BROWN TEACHER VOICE. Need another good omen for Ohio State? Mark May says Virginia Tech will win tonight:
Let this be a lesson to aspiring sportscasters: Make a habit of that troll pipe and end up lonely, broken, and without the respect of your colleagues.
#PERTINENTWIRE. I envision Urban Meyer as Omar Little and Marlo Stanfield's dope boys as Bud Foster:
R.I.P. to Virginia Tech's 2015 season. The country will realize it was dead on arrival upon retrospection.
THOSE WMDs. Word of the Day: Slangwhanger... 800,000 gallons of Jim Beam spilled into Kentucky lake produces a firenado... Inside the prison guards are too scared to enter... Company still selling cassette tapes, and business is booming... Jo Aubin has Alzheimer's. He's 38.