None of us would have survived the early 20th century as passionate and dedicated college football fans.
That era would have eaten us alive. But chances are we would have died from a necrotizing infection of sort before Saturdays killed us, because that was how humanity rolled back then. Modern sanitation, disinfection and big bad pharma hadn't yet hatched their respective schemes to get rich off of keeping us from getting sepsis whenever the wind blew.
If we had somehow beaten the odds and survived germ theory, college football would have definitely finished us off. We are living in the softest era on record - the Buckeyes just beat a fringe CFP team in its own house by 18 points and four days later the loudest discourse is still around rationalizing why that was a good thing, actually. Ohio State survived, and whew so did we.
Almost immediately, the Sunshine Pumpers - correct in this instance - launched into the standard gratitude lecture, invoking the current Penn State situation to guilt the Lunatic Fringe - merely a strawman this time - into accepting that the Illinois outcome was fine, actually.
It's unnecessary discourse. Everyone understands what Ryan Day is cautiously navigating toward this season. The Fringe is primarily bothered by special teams. Everyone is. A rare Fringe-Pumpers alliance.
Penn State may be a useful contrast for lucid national title dreams rapidly fracturing into an October coaching search, but there are better examples - you just have to familiarize yourself with the early 20th century. Have you ever met an Iowa fan who was around in 1902?
No dipshit, they're all dead now. That's right. They didn't survive 1902. Christmas was canceled.
Kayden McDonald, Jermaine Matthews, Devin Sanchez and Sonny Styles celebrate McDonald's fumble recovery in Champaign. via
The Hawkeye fans who escaped diphtheria and pneumonia that fall were killed by Iowa's football team, which was undefeated well into October, allowing less than one point per game. Then they hosted Minnesota in a showdown of perfect teams.
The hated Gophers won 34-0. Worse, Iowa State was visiting a week later - Penn State just showed America how easy it is to quickly turn one loss into three losses.
But then everyone who survived the Minnesota catastrophe were treated to a cleansing and thrilling 12-6 victory for the Hawkeyes. What a roller coaster (they existed in 1902, as did Cedar Point). Confidence was restored, with a showdown in Ann Arbor the following weekend.
The Illini entered the 4th quarter of their big game with the top-ranked Buckeyes trailing 34-10, having mustered just 175 yards of offense - less than half of their average.
Final score: Michigan 107, Iowa 0. Two weeks earlier, Ohio State lost 86-0. It was worth it. Iowa went from allowing less than one point a game to 24.5 in the middle of a season.
The Hawkeyes then beat Washington University (the St. Louis one, not the Hired Ty Willingham Even Though Everyone Knew He Was Bad one) by a score of 60-0. This was college football in 1902. Coca-Cola had cocaine in it until 1903. We never would have made it to Thanksgiving.
Iowa had two games remaining, against Missouri and - let's come full-circle - at Illinois. The Hawkeyes lost those two games by a combined score of 86-0, leaving the 1902 football team with...a winning record, having held six opponents under 10 points. Not a single fan survived that season. That's why you never met any of them.
Here we are 123 years later, and look at what just happened in Illinois over the weekend.
Net Success Rates via Parker Fleming (not that Parker Fleming)
The Illini entered the 4th quarter of their big game with the top-ranked Buckeyes trailing 34-10, having mustered just 175 yards of offense - less than half of their average. They finished the game with nearly 300 cosmetic yards and six more not-covering-the-spread points.
None of us died because of that game. Ancient Iowans could have only been so lucky.
Be grateful you were born into a world with mesh routes, antibiotics and an expanded playoff. Success rates are a hell of a drug - which is why Coca-Cola isn't replacing caffeine with them anytime soon.
Glad your feelings survived that comfortable win over a ranked opponent. Let's get Situational.
OPENER | THE ART OF SIMPLE LIVING
Garrett Stover reacts after making the tackle on a kickoff against Illinois. Stover earned Special Teamer of the Week honors. © Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn Images
There were moments in Champaign when you may have thought to yourself Michigan won't even need to illegally scout and decode Ohio State's play-calling packages this time which is a cynical thing to think while not trailing a game against a ranked opponent.
It's also misguided. Michigan has an active one-game winning streak not resorting to that.
Having a little war between your ears while watching the explosive Buckeyes keep it vanilla is natural. They aren't tricking anyone into thinking you know what, maybe Jeremiah Smith and Carnell Tate are classic possession receivers. Yeah, they don't trust them.
14 plays, 62 yards, 7:52, 19 tight end substitutions.
— Tony Gerdeman (@TonyGerdeman) October 11, 2025
They're doing exactly what the head coach wants. Sometimes they even execute properly.
This program had one playable Tight End three seasons ago, and he was broken all the time and generationally bad at blocking - now they're playing five guys and running multiple TEs on the field every play. The unnerving question becomes is this who they are, or are they developing and perfecting their final form in secrecy to unveil it later?
THE ILLINI LOST TO THE BUCKEYES IN ALL THREE PHASES. THAT IS A RARE TRIFECTA FOR OHIO STATE OPPONENTS.
You might think it's the latter, based on what we witnessed last December and January, but it's not crazy to doubt it considering what we saw last November. A tradition like no other in Ohio - watch the Buckeyes win while trying to spot their eventual cause of death in advance.
Illinois' success with tempo didn't really bother me, nor did Ohio State dialing back its enthusiasm for much of the 2nd half. Execution was conspicuously lacking, which is a valuable antidote for all the rat poison the media has been feeding them about how good they are. That reverse to Smith which nearly broke his back should have been a touchdown. They were deeply unserious once they knew they weren't losing.
What bothered me was The Usual. Here, watch IU's backup kicker do something an Ohio State starter has done only twice since over the past 15 seasons - make a field goal over 50 yards.
Brendan Franke nails a 58 yard FG to give Indiana a 13-10 lead and momentum going into half, and tying the longest made FG in program history #iufb
— Hoosier Review (@Hoosier_Review) October 12, 2025
Franke is Indiana's kickoff specialist, it was only his 3rd ever attempted FG in college pic.twitter.com/PN9GADZTGi
Imagine treating special teams like a weapon instead of an accepted gaping vulnerability.
Last week I rolled out a simple method for measuring special teams efficacy, and based on my inbox it's worth peeking at again. You'll be surprised how close this was.
| QUARTER | PLAY | RESULT | ADVANTAGE |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | ILLINOIS KICKOFF | TOUCHBACK | PUSH |
| 1 | OHIO STATE 26-YARD FG | 3 POINTS | OHIO STATE |
| 1 | OHIO STATE KICKOFF | TOUCHBACK | PUSH |
| 1 | OHIO STATE KICKOFF (20) | +5 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 1 | ILLINOIS 37-YARD PUNT (FC) | +13 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 2 | OHIO STATE 39-YARD PUNT (FC) | -11 YARDS | ILLINOIS |
| 2 | ILLINOIS -14 YARD PUNT (LOL) | +64 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 2 | OHIO STATE 31-YARD FG | 3 POINTS | OHIO STATE |
| 2 | OHIO STATE KICKOFF | TOUCHBACK | PUSH |
| 2 | ILLINOIS 24-YARD FG | 3 POINTS | ILLINOIS |
| 2 | ILLINOIS KICKOFF | TOUCHBACK | PUSH |
| 2 | OHIO STATE 34-YARD PUNT | -16 YARDS | ILLINOIS |
| 3 | OHIO STATE KICKOFF | TOUCHBACK | PUSH |
| 3 | ILLINOIS KICKOFF (37) | +12 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 3 | OHIO STATE KICKOFF (30) | -5 YARDS | ILLINOIS |
| 4 | OHIO STATE KICKOFF (16) | +9 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 4 | ILLINOIS 45-YARD PUNT | +5 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 4 | OHIO STATE 37-YARD PUNT/PENALTY | -18 YARDS | ILLINOIS |
| 4 | ILLINOIS ONSIDE KICK (41) | +16 YARDS | OHIO STATE |
| 4 | OHIO STATE 41-YARD PUNT (TB) | -21 YARDS | ILLINOIS |
| FC = Fair Catch, NR = punt out of bounds, (Number) = return yards | |||
Ohio State ended up with a hidden yard advantage of 49 on the afternoon, all of which came when Illinois' punter inadvertently tackled himself before getting a punt off in the 2nd quarter.
Ohio State's special teams are a longstanding crisis, largely on account of punting. Illinois' big dumb mistake was the equalizer, even with a failed onside kick - a calculated risk which forfeits field position. Simply getting off an Ohio State-like 37-yard punt would have given the Illini the hidden yards advantage. In a close game, that actually matters. It didn't on Saturday.
So the Illini lost in all three phases on Saturday. I was told that some readers took exception to the 50-yard objective for punts, suggesting it was too high of a bar. To those readers, I think being a huge loser looks bad on you. Demand and expect 50-yard punts.
The Illini were jumping the snap count because whenever Luke Montgomery smacks Carson Hinzman's thigh with Ohio State's players set, the play will be live two seconds later.
Both teams are held to the same standard, so this scale isn't tipping toward anything other than excellence. Ohio State didn't lose its enthusiasm or urgency for special teams on Saturday because it has none of either. The downshift elsewhere isn't any cause for alarm.
What was more concerning was Day later defending his consistently mediocre punter, which you can choose to believe is him valiantly standing up for one of his players - sure. Unfortunately, Day has a history of defending the indefensible - Parker Fleming got a contract extension after consistently being abysmal at what he did, and he was finally paid to go away once his boss finally relented he couldn't prove he was right about him.
He's also tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to prove Jim Harbaugh wrong about Ohio State's grrr toughness whenever the Buckeyes play his now-former program. So the Fringe being concerned that stubborn pride is at play, again, is a reasonable concern.
In 2025, Ohio State is telegraphing futile running plays with that TE room gobbling up a limited number of snaps for one of the slowest-paced teams in college football. That's a lot to reconcile. They're clearly navigating a 16-game sustainability journey, but at the same time doing very little to remain mysterious on Saturdays and incorporating some trauma-inducing elements from the recent past.
The Illini were jumping the snap count in the 2nd half because whenever Luke Montgomery smacks Carson Hinzman's thigh, the play goes live two seconds later. You didn't notice? Yes you did.
We'll all find out together on Nov 29 if this is just a shell game. Special Teams? Nah, no shells.
INTERMISSION
The Solo
Last year in an attempt to exorcise the demons of Michigan claiming a national title* songs exclusively from 1997 were sacrificed in this space. This strategy worked marvelously, so this year's theme will be Songs From Any Year Except 1997 or 2023.
My first child ruined my ability to say the word "magazine" properly. As a baby, it came out as mazagine and it was super cute, but then suddenly I couldn't say it either. My second kid did the same thing to me with "blueberries" which have been blueblarries ever since she arrived.
And then a decade ago my third/youngest/final child went viral for masterful articulation.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) December 17, 2017
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: its so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: ...
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. Its *eucalyptus*
T-Pain is not one of my children, but he ruined how I pronounce "Wisconsin." It's been Wiscansin ever since today's intermission banger was released. Can't Believe It features Lil Wayne performing a mid-song solo, or a feat. in hip-hop parlance. Let's answer our two questions.
Is the musician in the video actually performing?
Wayne is enjoying a CGI Ferris Wheel while blowing heart-shaped smoke rings out of somewhere other than his mouth - the talent is undeniable. This video is heavily produced and unabashedly in the lip sync realm. VERDICT: Vocals are his; video is inconclusive
does this feat. slap?
In order to judge properly, you must compare it to other same-genre cameos. Nicki Minaj (Monster) Ludacris (he's never missed, the G.O.A.T. feat. artist) Eminem (duh) Chance (Joey Purp) B.o.B. (the Bruno Mars banger) T.I. (My Love), DaBaby (Levitating) I'm freestyling here and could go on but hip-hop feat. greatness isn't rare, it's the expectation.
We could make a whole season's intermissions out of them, but that's an exclusive for curvy woodwind instruments only. Wayne is an acquired taste which I never acquired. To my ear, Wayne = my own sixth grade orchestra sax solos, vs. The Expectation = Charlie Parker, Stan Getz or John Coltrane. VERDICT: Does not slap
The Bourbon
There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.
The Ibérico-Washed Old Fashioned from Boqueria
We just got to see Bert opposite an Ohio State sideline for the first time since 2012 (!) On Saturday, the Buckeyes visit his old employer in Madison, which is still Bert-scented.
In the first section of this column, we spent more time than anyone ever should in Iowa (I lived in Iowa City for several years and have slander privileges) and when you put all of that Bert and Central Time Zoneness together, it feels awfully hoggish.
Two consecutive Old B1G West foes calls for some liquid ham. If you gravitate to Manhattans or Old Fashioneds but would like to stray exotic for a cocktail, try fat-washing the bourbon of your choosing. It's a simple process - don't let Whiskey Internet lie to you about this.
Start with the fat-containing agent of your choosing - we're following the Jamòn Ibérico recipe from Boqueria today - and allow that room-temperature fancy ham to steep in whiskey for a couple of hours. You'll want less sweet, so rye or high-rye bourbon works best (Four Roses SB or Grandad are both easy to find and fine). Avoid wheated bourbon, like Larceny or Maker's Mark.
Now simply construct a proper Old Fashioned, which you can follow from this nearly decade-old Situational. Demerara simple syrup is fine, or you can make your own if you are rich enough to own both sugar and water. Ditto the bitters. Now you're ready for Saturday.
CLOSER | WICKED BUSINESS
Sept. 24, 2011: Ohio State Buckeyes interim head coach Luke Fickell instructs his team against the Colorado Buffaloes at Ohio Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Greg Bartram-Imagn Images
Luke Fickell's biggest win as Ohio State's interim head coach was against the program he now leads.
Fourteen years later, Wisconsin's head coach is contracted through the 2032 season and coaching home games while listening to chants from the fans in red begging for him to be fired. It has not gone well in Madison, and if anyone tells you they saw this coming when UW lured him away from Cincinnati, they're probably lying.
My only red flag back then - on Luke's behalf - was that outside of one season on the New Orleans Saints' injured reserve list, this is the first time he's ever lived outside of Ohio. Barring some kind of abrupt turnaround or Michelangelo-level patience from Wisconsin administration, he may end up working for former assistant Marcus Freeman soon (Notre Dame's defense could use him this weekend, actually).
In 2011, FICKELL'S Buckeyes were more than a touchdown underdog. Unfortunately for him, Braxton Miller isn't walking out of the locker room on Saturday.
College football is a wicked business. Two weeks ago, James Franklin's Penn State Nittany Lions were leading Oregon in the 4th quarter after he spent the day with the ESPN Gameday set in what's always a nationally-televised recruiting pitch for his program. This week, Franklin gets to watch games on his couch with a beer on his gut along with the rest of us.
Barry Alvarez dug Wisconsin out of the trash heap 33 seasons ago. Through a series of unfortunate but well-intentioned hirings, Fickell's version of the program looks like the same type of dogshit Badgers that used to give Earle Bruce fits. They're right back to where they once were.
It can take one hire to change the course of history in this business. If you need a recent example, simply pay attention to what's happening in Bloomington. It can take one game to derail or launch a new era. It can take one play. Ohio State’s entire football culture in 2025 is still reaping the consequences of a single blocked punt in 1950.
Wisconsin has lost eight straight conference games, same as Kentucky and Florida State - both of whom have extremely warm coaching seats. Purdue has lost a dozen in a row, as has now coach-less Oklahoma State. Mississippi State leads the country with a 14-game drought. Their coach passed away and the Bulldogs have yet to recover.
Franklin, currently a spectator, isn't even a bad coach! He simply belongs somewhere tolerant of 10-win seasons with fewer gigantic shadows being cast by dead legends. A smaller stage may suit him well. (In future news - welcome to Blacksburg, coach)
The shadow over Fickell is cast by a man who is still living, still local (Barry is a snowbird) and a mere 14 years older than Curt Cignetti. That man set the standard that Luke hasn't come close to achieving. His predecessor Paul Chryst was fired following a steady decline, culminating in a 7-6 season.
Wisconsin went 5-7 last year and will be lucky to win five this season. The Badgers get the Buckeyes this weekend and then close at Oregon, Washington, at Indiana, Illinois and at Minnesota - five teams in playoff contention and a very sturdy Gopher program.
After some relative lethargy and staleness in Champaign, Day may be inclined to rev his team's engine on Saturday - especially against a porous pass defense. You could have said the same thing about the Illini. Perhaps we'll see another afternoon of a TE in motion, a snapped ball and a handoff in that direction. Do not make that a drinking game.
One thing we shouldn't see is a menacing Badger offense. Ohio State, favored by nearly 30 points, should make quick work of the home team on Saturday. It's just uncertain what they'll choose to do once they have even a modest lead against an offense with a very limited path to moving the ball or scoring points.
When Fick took down the Badgers in 2011, the Buckeyes were more than a touchdown underdog. Unfortunately for him, UW's version of Braxton Miller isn't walking out of the locker room on Saturday. And there's only one guy he can blame for that.
Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Wisconsin.
