Enemy of the State Classic: At Large/Terrible Region

By D.J. Byrnes on August 3, 2015 at 3:45 pm

We arrive at our fourth and final region: The At Large/Terrible region, home of the No. 1 Notre Dame, but featuring contenders such as Ed Rife and dark horses like @FakeUrban.

Other regions open for voting:

No. 1 Notre Dame vs. No. 8 Penn State Cultists

How insufferable is Notre Dame? Its football hasn’t beaten Ohio State’s since 1936, and the Fighting Irish are a runway No. 1 at-large bid.

Rudy should be listed in the “unintentional comedy” section. Sharknado 2 was produced with more self-awareness, and anybody who unironically watches that tripe should be ashamed.

And did you know Rudy took what he learned about con artistry at Notre Dame and applied it to an illicit “pump-and-dump” scheme that bilked investors out of $11,000,000? It’s true.

Did I also mention its football team hasn’t been relevant since the Late 80s? When the Irish are forced to join a conference, Jim Delany should just cackle like a rabid jackal before hanging up on the refuge-seeking Jack Swarbrick.

Whereas Ohio State exemplifies all of the good of a horde fanbase, Penn State cultists exemplify all of the bad.

The marks of this beast: Bizarre Joe Paterno worship, incessant searching for their one true rival, ludicrous message board theories, and protected-by-the-masses drunken thuggery, as seen in this infamous Youtube video.

Despite routinely getting evidence to the contrary beat into them, these people still think dressing up in all white when the Buckeyes roll into town somehow affects the game. 

No. 2 Ed Rife vs. No 7 Rufus the Sucker-Punching Bobcat

Edward Rife, a Columbus-area weed vendor/wannabee tattoo tycoon, was the central figure in the scandal surrounding the Tat Five, and eventually, Jim Tressel’s ouster.

Rife, who would be sentenced in 2011 to 36 months in federal prison for distributing between 400 and 700 kilograms of marijuana into the streets of Ohio, owned and operated Fine Line Ink, the Hilltop-area tattoo parlor at which Terrelle Pryor, Boom Herron, DeVier Posey, Mike Adams and others traded memorabilia and autographs for discounted tattoos.

Rife has since (likely) pawned his Tatgate treasure trove on Craigslist and said he still considers himself an Ohio State fan despite just getting sentenced to hard federal time.

Brandon Hanning, a.k.a. Rufus the Sucker-Punching Bobcat, wasn't even an Ohio University student when he tried out for the role of Rufus Bobcat in 2010. He was just a man with a simple dream: To attack Brutus Buckeye at the upcoming Ohio-Ohio State clash.

And attack Brutus he did. And although Hanning would get an iconic photo of him punching Brutus in the face, it wasn't before his Brutus shook off his first attack and left Rufus headless and on the ground.

Unfortunately for Ohio "fans," that was as feisty as the Bobcats got on the day. Jim Tressel's team housed its in-state foes, 43-7.

No. 3 Insane 10% of UC Fans vs. No. 6 Tom Crean

By and large, most Bearcat fans are passionate fans who are more than comfortable with their team’s place in the world. Cincinnati and Ohio State don’t have much of a quarrel, truth be told.

Then there are the Lunatic 10%, which eclipse the silent majority of Bearcat fans. Just how insane are these people? Here’s a refresher course from “John from Anderson Township,” who was extremely upset about the national champ Buckeyes being honored before a routine Cincinnati-Pittsburgh affair:

This is OUR town. Reds, Bearcats, Musketeers, Cyclones. We have TWO football teams in town. How dare the Reds roll out a red carpet for outsiders and competitors. 80 of them? 80? 80 players, coaches and support staff will be on hand at GABP tonight? 

Was the marching band not invited? Hell, why not have them dot the I behind second base? OSU refuses to play us here. They back out of contracts. They run from us. And the Reds reward them?

It’s breathtaking to marvel at the depths of insanity to which these people have plunged until you realize you share a state with them. Should the Bearcats ever succeed in toppling Ohio State in football — in just one game — it could lead to a Walking Dead-styled outbreak in Cincinnati.

Despite Indiana’s Tom Crean only win of significance over Ohio State coming during an historically insignificant regular season upset of the No. 2 Buckeyes in 2012, Tom Crean resides as a Fightin’ No. 6 seed. 

During Crean’s time in Indiana, his teams have finished 11th, T-9th, 11th, 5th, 1st, T-8th, and T-7th in conference play. The fact he is easily the most reviled coach in Big Ten play tells one all they need to know about Crean’s cartoonish sidelines antics.

He gained true notoriety among Ohio State fans in 2013, when despite suffering an upset loss to the No. 14 Buckeyes, Crean forced his No. 2 Hoosiers team to cut down the nets in an empty Assembly Hall

That same year, he made this face.

Oh, and this is all before mentioning he’s a brother-in-law to the Harbaugh brothers. Indiana will probably fire him after another disappointing season.

No. 4 Nick Saban vs. No. 5 @Fakeurban 

Some might say Nick Saban, the Man of 1,000 Sugar Bowl Loss Excuses, doesn’t even deserve to be on the list. After all, Saban did little more in the Sugar Bowl than stare daggers at Lane Kiffin or look exasperated as Ezekiel Elliott tap-danced his way down the field.

But Saban’s crimes go back further than that. In 1998, Saban rode into Columbus and upset a No. 1 Ohio State team.

Two straight completions by Joe Germaine put Ohio State all the way to the MSU 15-yard line in the final seconds of the game. The script appeared to be written for a last-second comeback victory by Ohio State on its home field. Only it wasn't meant to be. The Spartan defense came through with three consecutive stops before Renaldo Hill intercepted Germaine's fourth-down pass on the goal line to seal the victory, silencing the Buckeye faithful.

Two years later, he'd abscond to Baton Rouge. 

“Urban Meyer” is trademarked by Ohio State now, and we can only hope their first order of business is to cease and desist @FakeUrban into the ground. His modus operandi is simple and topical: Take any current event, and then use it to remind people of a great time in Ohio State history:

Hahahahaha. I want to die.

No, seriously. Put that knife directly through my heart.

Still waiting.

Oh, it goes on, and it would be humorously pathetic if this shit-spinster didn’t use his social media platform to slide into the DMs of young women:

Like I said: He’s a war criminal.

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