Enemy of the State Classic: At Large/Awful

By D.J. Byrnes on August 3, 2015 at 1:55 pm
The At Large/Awful region in Eleven Warriors' Enemy of the State Classic

Help us crown Ohio State's greatest villain by voting in the At Large/Awful region.

Ah, our first At Large field in the Enemy of the State Classic. You have a little bit of everything here, from the guy that made – made – Woody punch him to Miami penalty flag truthers.

Other open rounds:

No. 1 Charlie Bauman vs. No. 8 OSU Memorabilia Hounds

Clemson’s Charlie Bauman may now live in Ohio and attend Ohio State football games, but he will never escape the fact he single-handily ended Woody Hayes’ Ohio State career.

It was there, in the 1978 Gator Bowl, when Bauman intercepted a rogue Art Schlichter pass and was promptly punched out by Ohio State’s fire-breathing coach.

Though Hayes visited Bauman after the game, he didn’t apologize for it. That’s because Bauman had it coming, as uncovered by our own Michael Citro in an interview with former Ohio State receiver Doug Donley:

“After the game, Woody got us in a huddle and kind of told us a story as to why all that happened. he said (Charlie Bauman’s ancestor) killed his great, great grandfather in the Civil War. And he said that’s why he punched him. He had it coming. We all kind of look at each other like, ‘Wow.’"

Charlie Bauman had it coming.

Ohio State memorabilia hounds are a people whose only skills are stalking recruits/players to get them to sign memorabilia which they immediately flip for profit on eBay. 

Most recently, a handful of these people ruined Ohio State's memorabilia sale at the French Field House prior to the spring game by hoarding all the football jerseys.

These people will try to justify their actions by saying they're passionate fans, but this is to ignore their parasitical relationship with the school.

There's a special place in Hell reserved for these lonely and untalented people. If encountered in real life, it's best to report them to the nearest IRS agent.

No. 2 The 2006-07 Florida Gators vs. No. 7 Bret Bielema

The 2007 BCS title game was supposed to be a coronation for Jim Tressel's Ohio State Buckeyes, the team resided as the nation's No. 1 since the preseason and featured Troy Smith, the nation's best player.

After Ted Ginn housed the opening kick, it looked like it would be just that.

But then Urban Meyer's Florida Gators went to work, and the game was all but settled by halftime. With Ted Ginn sidelined, Florida's front seven terrorized Troy Smith, who was suddenly made out of cement.

The final scoreline was 42-14, but make no mistake: The Ohio-born Urban Meyer's pity is the only thing that kept Florida from dropping 100 on that night.

Bret “Bert” Bielema now presides over a bad-to-mediocre SEC team, but it wasn’t always that way for the man that still sports an Iowa Hawkeyes tattoo.

In seven years leading the Wisconsin Badgers, Bert compiled a 1-5 record against Ohio State, including this come-from-ahead instant classic loss to freshman Braxton Miller and the wallowing 2011 team.

Still, few Big Ten coaches embraced (and played) the villain role as deftly as Bielama. In 2012, after the newly-arrived Urban Meyer flipped Cleveland four-star OL Kyle Dodson from Wisconsin, Bert used a National Signing Day press conference to underhandedly accuse Meyer of cheating:

"We at the Big Ten don’t want to be like the SEC — in any way, shape or form.”


“There’s a few things that happened early on that I made people be aware of, that I didn’t want to see in this league, that I had seen take place in other leagues, other recruiting tactics, other recruiting practices, that are illegal.”

A year later — and after a 21-14 loss to Ohio State in which the Badgers outgained the Buckeyes by 130 yards in total offense — Bert was off to the SEC as the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

His greatest achievement to date in the SEC is beating a six-loss Texas team, 31-7, in the Texas Bowl; something Bielema called “borderline erotic” at SEC media days two weeks ago.

No. 3 Donovan's Big Three vs. No. 6 Miami Flag Truthers

Billy Donovan’s triumvirate of Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Corey Brewer — with an assist from a magically imbued Lee Humphries — all played a role in the destruction of one of the most talented basketball teams in Ohio State history.

This, of course, came on the heels of Urban Meyer’s scrubbing of one of the most talented teams in Ohio State history in the 2007 BCS title game. 

(Author’s note: I can still taste the pint of Jack Daniels that worked me over that night.)

Ah, Miami Flag Truthers. In the 2003 Fiesta Bowl, No. 2 Ohio State trailed No. 1 Miami, 24-17. The Buckeyes had the ball in overtime on the 5-yard line. On 4th-and-3, Ohio State needed a first down or the game was over. 

Craig Krenzel went to Chris Gamble in the end zone, which was ruled incomplete, and Miami went onto win its second title in two years.

Or so we thought, until a pass interference flag hit the turf a few seconds later. Regardless of the non-calls from which Miami benefitted in the lead up to the play, it was the right call.

This, of course, didn’t stop legions of Ohio State-haters from trying to put an asterisk next to OSU’s title after Miami’s four two-yard touchdown tries fell short in the second overtime that gave the Buckeyes the win.

It’s 2015, and somehow these people still exist, and much like the years have done little to temper their anger, they’ve done little to make this group of quacks sufferable.

No. 4 Bo Ryan vs. No. 5 The SEC

Wisconsin men's basketball coach Bo Ryan, who is set to retire to his castle in Transylvania after this upcoming season, makes basketball games as entertaining as lobotomies. His team hasn't changed in the 487 years he's been head coach in Madison, either.

After then-freshman Jared Sullinger was spit on during a 2011 game in Madison, Bo's fatherly advice — issued not in the heat of the moment, but days after the fact — was to "Deal with it."

Ryan has yet to win a national title, but will still be treated as a venerable statesman — and not like the cantankerous basketball blasphemer he is — during his retirement tour, which in he of course announced before the season.

Make no mistake, the SEC had its time, winning seven-straight crystal footballs.

To be fair the America’s current No. 2 conference, no conference has ever enjoyed an era of dominance like the SEC from January 2007 to January 2015. 

College football is cyclical in nature, and conferences enjoy heydays from time to time. The SEC, however, acted as if they invented the sport in 2007.

Alabama (and Urban Meyer’s Florida) did most the heavy lifting, but did this stop Tennessee and South Carolina fans from thumping their chests in pride? Of course not.

Had Urban Meyer not put a stake through the heart of the Alabama beast, maybe the SEC would be ranked higher. However, there isn’t a single College Football Trophy to be found in the entire conference, so here they are.

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