The Situational: Season Finale

By Ramzy Nasrallah on November 29, 2012 at 4:00p

situational

51 Comments

The Buckeyes are finished with football, so you can go ahead and begin the countdown to eternity.

We've got about three weeks left on this fun blue marble, fellow Mayan culture enthusiasts. At least the Buckeyes had the courtesy to finish off the 13th b'ak'tun and the entire Mayan timeline with an almost-perfect record of 12-1. Yes, that stupid Taxslayer Bowl lapse in judgement was technically on their previous calendar, but we'll count it toward the grand 2012 finale. Self-loathing works like that.

If you're confused, here's the quick recap: End-of-the-world fetishists have everything as you and I know it crashing to an abrupt halt on December 21.

It's the sum of all fears: The world will end right in the middle of the Beef O'Brady's Bowl. Just as the Mayans predicted it.

It's the final edition of The Situational for 2012 – and possibly ever. Let's go! Time's wasting!

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

Over the past 13 weeks we have paid homage to dead guys who held the highest office in the land and/or who have graced our currency.

This week, being the season finale where cliffhangers and plot twists are expected if not required: Wayne Woodrow Hayes – son of Ohio, father of Buckeye football culture, born on Valentine's Day 99 years ago – is categorically a dead president.

PUNCHING INVISIBLE FLYING WOLVERINES"Show me a gracious loser and I'll show you a bus boy."

Woody loved history. I'd like to think for that reason he would enjoy reading The Situational. Unfortunately, aside from this section it also features liquor, gambling, stupid people, cheerleader pictures and music that would cause him to turn several shades of purple with rage.

And he had too much respect for the office of the American president to enjoy his insertion into this space on a technicality. Woody was the 3rd vice president for the American Football Coaches Association (AFCA) from 1958-1960. In 1961 he slid over one chair to 2nd VP, and then one more to 1st VP in 1962.

In 1963 he occupied the only chair left, that of AFCA President. Just 25 years earlier Michigan's Harry Kipke, who cameoed on 11W last week, was elected to the same chair. Kipke was Michigan's first AFCA president, followed by Fritz Crisler (1941) and Bo (1983).

Hayes was Ohio State's first president. John Cooper was also elected to the post in 1992, but he's alive and well, whereas Woody is just...alive forever.

Thank you, Mr. President. You have no idea how many young people who were born after you passed think the world of you today.

THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE MAC CHAMPIONSHIP, BIG XII CHAMPIONSHIP, PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP, SEC CHAMPIONSHIP, B1G CHAMPIONSHIP

THE MAC CHAMPIONSHIP: KENT STATE GOLDEN FLASHES (+6.5) against Northern Illinois. Kent State's BCS hopes have been aided by Ohio State's postseason ban, moving them up one precious slot. YOU'RE WELCOME, BROS.

THE ACC CHAMPIONSHIP: GEORGIA TECH YELLOWJACKETS  (+13) against Florida State. You know why nobody really talks about how bad the ACC is? Because talking about the B1G's awfulness is more interesting. Y'ALL ARE WELCOME, SIRS.

THE PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP: STANFORD CARDINAL  (-10) against UCLA. The winner plays not-Ohio State in the Rose Bowl. YOU'RE WELCOME, BRAHS.

THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP: GEORGIA BULLDOGS (+8) against Alabama, neither of whom have to contend with an undefeated Buckeye team in the precarious BCS math this season. YER WELCUMB, BROSE.

THE B1G CHAMPIONSHIP: NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS  (-2.5) against third-place, and super-assy, Wisconsin. (everybody in unison) YOU ARE WELCOME, HUSKERS.

LAST WEEK: 3-2 | SEASON: 30-35

THE NOWLEDGE

You haven't come down from your Buckeye High since Saturday, and this is a weird one: For the first time in 25 years Ohio State's aftertaste is going to be Michigan blood until the 2013 season begins. You just don't see too many seasons that end with a victory over the Wolverines and then...nothing.

Every edition of The Game has a hero, and some of them get to have a goat. The former for Ohio State in 2012's edition of The Game is debatable, but my leanings are toward an El Guapo/SHZR combination.

The latter doesn't seem to be too controversial this time around. Oh come! Let's sing Al Borges' praise:

Fake Pat Shurmur, for anyone who subjects themselves to the Browns every week [points at self] is a humorous slant on Cleveland's real and routinely clueless coach. He's like The Onion in human form with a headset. Good to know he's a Buckeye fan. Looking at Michigan's recruiting success in Ohio it's hard to tell anymore.

Well, things initially didn't go according to Shurmur's plan (SURPRISE). Michigan came out saucy, smoky and dripping with mystery. Two-QB backfield? Damn, we were hoping they wouldn't do that.

Part of the problem in that first half was Ohio State playing cover-two against three receivers on Michigan's long TD pass (math!) and then there was the "tackling" on Denard Robinson's long TD run...but yes, it was an offense that Buckeye fans would have killed or at least maimed for in recent years. 

With a 21-20 lead going into halftime and both offenses moving the ball – and both defenses hitting hard enough to hear the pads smacking from the Varsity Club – the second half was trending toward a 2006-like 42-39 finish.

In the second half Ohio State started tripping all over itself in the red zone and shooting three-pointers where six would have been better. But that didn't matter, because Michigan's offense was tighter than Brady Hoke's belt on Thanksgiving night. Also: On any other night. 

And the fingers of blame – as well as the torches of angst – were all directed at the man in charge of the plays.

Disagree. Ohio State telegraphed its offensive plays for a full decade and kicked every Big Ten ass in spite of it.

[collects Wolverine tears in a cup] [drinks them slowly] [pees back into a different cup] [pours it through Kevin Costner's pee-recycling filter from Waterworld] [repeats forever]

DON'T HURT HIM. HE HAS PLENTY OF GOOD YEARS LEFT.

Spelled out in rose petals, from the entire staff at Eleven Warriors. Read the card! Read the card!

HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Ohio State and Michigan can agree on very few things, and sucking meat is one of them: There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Ohio State isn't scheduled to play football again until August 31, which means this win over Michigan is going to provide so much aftertaste.

If the Mayans end up being right it will be the taste earth takes to its terrifying grave. Best apocalypse ever!

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Panty melter. You're welcome.Conceal and carry? This Revolver is built for that.

Unless you enjoy pissing away your money, you're making your own coffee at home. Yes, going to Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts is fun – if you want to tack a couple of years onto your career.

Oh, you haven't read about coffee and the power of compound interest? You should. But this Situational Bourbon isn't about retirement plans; it's about the home-brewed coffee that didn't fit in your traveler on your way out the door this morning.

The Revolver exists for those room-temperature leftovers still in the pot when you return home from your miserable job. Pour that brown mess into a glass about a third of the way and then add bitters. Wait, you don't have bitters? You should always have bitters.

Now you need the spiciest bourbon in your library that is acceptable for mixing, i.e. not too high up on the shelf. Knob Creek, which is a solid airport-layover bourbon in its own right, does well in this area. 

Drop in a citrus peel and that's it. You can just swirl it around the glass, pour it back into your traveler, drop a scoop of ice cream into it – whatever.

You just made use of your leftover morning coffee while giving yourself a nice little kick in the pants. Which you probably needed anyway. 

THE PLAY-OFF

As both the 11W 2012 Football Season Editorial and Mayan Calendars have indicated, this is the final edition of The Situational.

That makes this the final Play-Off, which means we need a song to lead us out of here and into oblivion. Unfortunately, there is a challenge this week, as the tunes in this space throughout the series have been decidedly mixed, by design.

They have been terrible and great, cheesy and heartfelt, funny and incoherent and more often than not, pretty stupid. It seems appropriate that we take all of those attributes and squish them into one final Situational anthem.

Citizens of planet Earth: I give you Donnie Iris and the Cruisers.

 

 

Season's over. If you would like to go back and relive all of our bad wagering advice, dead aristocrats, bourbon cocktails and Situational miscellany: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 1112 | 13

We'll see you on the other side. Go Bucks.

51 Comments

Comments

JLBNYC's picture

Ha - I saw Donnie Iris and the Cruisers at the Newport (might have still been called the Agora) in 1981 or so!

Buckeye Chuck's picture

I don't think it became the Newport until about 1983.
U2 also played at the Agora in '81, believe it or not.

The most "loud mouth, disrespect" poster on 11W.

misterpants's picture

...with Ronald Koal and the Trillionaires opening, IIRC.

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

You get me everytime with your pics..you sly dog, yousu
sidenote: that is a serious amount of butthurt in those tweets

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

Menexenus's picture

Michigan's offense was tighter than Brady Hoke's belt on Thanksgiving night. Also: On any other night.

Well played, sir.

Real fans stay for Carmen.

Breakawayspeed's picture

Before I even read this article I just gotta say those are some outragous hooters on that Oregon cheerleader.  Obliviously, I was breastfed.

NoVA Buckeye's picture

And that was more than likely with a sports bra on too. WOW!

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

Abe Froman's picture

Mayans, you know I am going to comment.  Just the end of the 5th Sun.  Another starts the next day.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

hodge's picture

"Oh, you haven't read about coffee and the power of compound interest? You should."

Just a heads-up, your link there is actually linking here.
I take it you're referring to the recent AARP study about prodigious coffee consumers, and the lengthened lifespan they enjoy?  I'm seriously hoping that correlation is in fact due to causation, because I down at least 48 oz. a day.

hodge's picture

Well, I failed on figuring out that link, haha.  Here's the study I was referring to:

Of the participants, about 42,000 drank no coffee. Most people had two or three cups each day, and about 15,000 reported drinking six cups or more a day.
By 2008, about 52,000 of the participants had died. Compared to those who drank no coffee, men who had two or three cups a day were 10 percent less likely to die at any age. For women, it was 13 percent. Even a single cup a day seemed to lower risk by 6 percent in men and 5 percent in women.
The strongest effect seen in the study was in women who had four or five cups a day - an impressive 16 percent lower risk of death. In general, coffee drinkers were less likely to die from heart or respiratory disease, stroke, diabetes, injuries, accidents or infections. No effect was seen on cancer death risk. None of the risk reductions were big numbers though, and Freedman can't say how much extra life coffee might buy.
"I really can't calculate that," especially because smoking is a key factor that affects longevity at every age, he said.

Woody4's picture

Oregon Cheerleaders!  Whoa...  
Just for contrast!

buckz4evr's picture

Will somebody please give Woody a glass of bourbon?  He deserves it after that gif.  I'm still laughing!

ShowThemOhiosHere's picture

TSUN cheerleader.

Class of 2010.

Earle's picture

Of course, the real Pat Shurmur played for Sparty, so he had reason to root for the Buckeyes, too.
And since the grammar police seem to be out in force today: the plural of "y'all" would be "all y'all", though I'm not sure that qualifies as grammar. Colloquialism, perhaps?

bedheadjc's picture

My almost hillbilly grandmother was fond of "you'ins". Not sure if that counts as a plural alternative...?

D-Buck's picture

She must be from around Portsmouth.  Only place I know of where that term is in use.

bedheadjc's picture

Canton South area, only heard her use it ever.

johnblairgobucks's picture

If you've ever traveled a few miles South of Cincinnati on I-75 y'all know what I'm talkin bout

 

GoBucks713's picture

I saw that this past weekend on my way down to and back from Bowling Green KY.

-The Aristocrats!

btalbert25's picture

I hate that freakin water tower! I lived in Florence, and currently live about 6 miles from there. People don't say Y'all that much here and they don't even have a southern accent.  EVERYONE knows the water tower though!

ATXbucknut's picture

You won't do The Situational periodically in the off-season?  We will miss it during the loooooong break.  I have mixed feelings about the tingle-inducing pics you often put at the front of these Situationals. When I read it at work and someone comes into my office it's like I'm pointing at them, which is rude.
Enjoy the Mayacalypse.

Denny's picture

"Hey citrus, hey liquor, I love it when you touch each other"

Taquitos.

onetakedizzle's picture

OMG THEY ARE SUCH GREAT BESTIES

Send you to OSU Hospital / You'll need a buck nurse...

IBLEEDSCARLETANDGRAY's picture

HHGTTG reference!
I, too, prefer bourbon for my Sunday morning post-OSU celebration hair of the dog. Forget the Bloody Marys
I only joined 11W a few weeks ago but already the Situational is my favorite (that and Ross' offensive/defensive deseminations). Looking forward to next season already. Cannot wait!
That's one buxom duck!
Go Buckeyes!
 

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Baroclinicity's picture

I prefer "Ah Leah".  Regardless, Donnie Iris is great!

When you're holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

tennbuckeye19's picture

I wonder if Phil Knight paid for those...

GoBucks713's picture

There's no way those were made in a sweat shop.

-The Aristocrats!

tennbuckeye19's picture

You don't think Nike money paid for those?

GoBucks713's picture

No way. Those look too ergonomic to be made in a sweat shop. I'm going with homegrown.

-The Aristocrats!

btalbert25's picture

Ok, so I don't think this will be my favorite bourbon cocktail, but I definitely think there needs to be a bourbon blog post every week since the situational is going away til next season.  As I'm typing this, I'm already thinking of some good ideas.  It's getting cold and gray outside, the season is over, the holidays are upon us, damn it we need to talk about drinking!

RBuck's picture

I agree. I need some new Hot Toddy recipes.

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

doodah_man's picture

Mayans failed to predict the arrival of the conquistadores...I'm not especially worried about their ability to prognosticate. 
This is all kinda old timey. We used to worry about winning the Big Ten and beating Michigan. Bowls and teh NC were just kinda meh.

Jim "DooDah" Day
It is hard to play dirty against a man who picks you up.

jestertcf's picture

The Mayans did not calculate, Leap Years, the months August and July that the Romans added later.
Their calander ended years ago, we are all safe, or to quote a church sign I saw recently. "Clearly you don't remember all the bread and water you bought for Y2K."

~Because we couldn't go for three~

BucksfanXC's picture

Actually they kinda did calculate Leap Years. They had their own calendar, we converted it to ours after the invention of those days/months. It's like saying a translation from Russia is wrong cuz they don't have the same letters as us. Also, they didn't predict the end of the world, just the end of a cycle or era if you will. There have been many others that have ended in the past just fine.
/snobby dickish correction

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Abe Froman's picture

Right on.  They also have had 4 other calendars before this one.  Also they assumed the Spanish were the Vercocha, bearded white men.  Wait...... They were!   Kulkulkan lives!

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

luckynewman13's picture

pretty sure Ramzy was just joking, guys :)

NoVA Buckeye's picture

FakePatShurmur is easily the most accurate and funniest parody account on twitter.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

rdubs's picture

So I am not a big drinker, but I now understand this "Situational" thing.  My in-laws live in Hawaii, so we visited them for Thanksgiving.  After waking up at about 6:30 to watch the GAME, we went sailing.  Standing behind the wheel, drinnking a Vonu (a Fijian beer), while celebrating another Buckeye win, sailing off the Hawaiian coast.  A beer has never been better, never.  Not sure if it really tastes better than any other beer I have had, but mostly because of that situation, I have never had a better beer.

BeijingBucks's picture

So no more situationals... Time to chat up Lindsay Lohan in rehab? Or is it just 12-0 still feels great when ur sober.

Til next cycle RMZ!

 

 

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

johnblairgobucks's picture

could you repeat that, please?

Jhesse17's picture

Saw the tits and didnt even bother reading the article. I mean what ould possibly be said in the article that would top those?

Boxley's picture

Uhmmmm.... Everything.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

BuckeyeBoyer85's picture

Thank You for flooding my memories with my unhealthy obsession with one of the worst movies of all time. (according to "the critics") Production of Waterworld cost 175 million, nearly killed Costner and surfer Laird Hamilton and resulted in director Kevin Reynolds walking off the set a few scenes from wrapping up. I've considered it a cult classic in my opinion, due to the storyline based on the polar-ice caps melting. The pee filter would be mighty useful

Wayne Woodrow Hayes

Boxley's picture

A lot of people did not like the Postman either, both of which are two of my favorite Costner films. I never did get why Waterworld did not receive proper recognition. Dennis hopper was classic in his role as well.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

causeicouldntgo43's picture

As far as the O cheerleader is concerned, that's what I'd call a shirt full of goodies.
Next series: Lowland Single Malts?

Alhan's picture

[collects Wolverine tears in a cup] [drinks them slowly] [pees back into a different cup] [pours it through Kevin Costner's pee-recycling filter from Waterworld] [repeats forever]

My. Mind. Is. Blown.

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

Dougger's picture

I've come to really enjoy these over the season. I'll miss them. 
does anyone know what song the cheerleader is singing in that picture?

I like football

Maestro's picture

I got a text from a Michigan friend when it was 14-10, it said Michigan 42 - Ohio State 39.  Joke was on him.

vacuuming sucks

Maestro's picture

Yay, Knob Creek.

vacuuming sucks

pjtobin's picture

A little late to make a comment but wasn't it Eddie and the cruisers? Or until Eddie died? Thanks for the great write ups. They will be missed. Can't wait till next spring/fall to read these again. Thanks again. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad.