The Situational: Week 5

By Ramzy Nasrallah on September 27, 2012 at 4:00p
aw, mang

via mocksession

44 Comments

A couple of weeks ago we were celebrating the normalcy of a Rich Rod fast start with Arizona's 59-point outburst all over Oklahoma State.

The only problem with that emission is that it occurred nocturnally: Two-thirds of the country slept right through Rod's surprise blowout.

But two weeks following that glorious explosion, Rod's cats were blanked by Oregon, 49-0. Maybe that pleasure cruise with the Cowboys was just an awesome dream.

The Duck defense was rigid and stiff, not nearly as open or accommodating as Oklahoma State's had been. Arizona's offense was sticky all night, unable to get anything flowing. 

Rod's boys could not get up the field to score. Their best attempt was a John Bonano FG attempt that was in the second quarter. Poor guy got kick-blocked.

If there's a silver lining to Rod's massacre, it's that beautiful screen cap: Coach is disappoint. Hopefully his Bonano will be able to get it up next time when the pressure is on.

And once again all that scoring happened while two-thirds of you were sleeping, which means you can pretend it was all a dream. Or perhaps...a phallusy.

Dick joke limit exceeded: It's time to get Situational.

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

Give Sir Anthony Hopkins some facial hair, a whole bunch of Ohio stories and a name nobody has anymore and you'll have a pretty good impersonator for our 19th President.

Rutherford B. Hayes was the son of Rutherford Hayes as well as the brother of...Rutherford Hayes (!) but sadly he never met his namesake or his other namesake as they both passed away before he was born. Tragically, Papa Hayes died during Mama Hayes' third trimester with baby Rutherford. The second one. Or third.

He's got beard for days you've got ass for weeksNot related to Wayne Woodrow Hayes, mostly.

To make matters even more sad, brother Rutherford wasn't even the only one of Rutherford's siblings who died in childhood. That pre-vaccine/pre-Safety Town era was unkind to our youngest citizens on a scale that would be absolutely terrifying today.

Hayes was not related to Woody, but Woody owes a significant portion of his professional career to Rutherford: The then-future POTUS was Ohio's governor when he persuaded his General Assembly to pass the bill that berthed a certain land grant university in Columbus which eventually hired Woody to coach the football team.

He won one of the most controversial presidential elections in history, losing the popular vote but winning the Electoral College in a manner that would send today's cable news monstrosities into a hyper-speed tailspin.

Luckily for the good people of that era, cable news - like vaccines and Safety Town - didn't exist. The societal pests of that era - cholera, tuberculosis, polio - were far less destructive than the cable news of today is.

After serving just one term in the White House - he pledged from the beginning that he would not run again and made good on that promise - Hayes returned to Ohio and served on the OSU Board of Trustees. If you think Les Wexner had juice on the BoT, just imagine a former POTUS making his opinion known in one of their meetings.

History smiles on Hayes and ranks him among the top half of POTUSes, as his presidency is associated with reconciliation with the South, championing civil rights and knocking down that tricky pre-suffrage barrier that kept female prosecutors from arguing SCOTUS cases. 

And, on account of his political muscle, we have The Ohio State University. Well done, sir. Well done.


THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: FICTIONAL BIRD, ANIMAL HORDE, FICTIONAL STORM, SLED PULLER, NON-FICTIONAL STORM

THE FICTIONAL BIRD: Miami Redhawks (-6) over Akron, who just finished charming everyone by hanging with Tennessee which is obviously a really bad te-(scratching noise) SEC! SEC! SEC!

 

THE ANIMAL HORDE: Nevada Wolf Pack (-21) 0ver Texas State, which hasn't given up 60 points in a game yet this season, but they're flirting with it and there's no quit in them.

 

THE FICTIONAL STORM: Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-17) 0ver UAB. Because UAB really is who they were supposed to be last Saturday, and that's a little depressing.

 

THE SLED PULLER: Northern Illinois Huskies (-12) 0ver Central Michigan, who is only good enough to win at Iowa City. Winning at Dekalb in the MAC opener is an entirely different animal.

 

THE NON-FICTIONAL STORM: Iowa State Cyclones (+1) against Texas Tech in Ames, which is where Gameday would have gone if they wanted the most interesting football matchup of the week and were less concerned with ratings. 

LAST WEEK: 1-4 (nailed CMU over Iowa WOOO!) | SEASON: 7-13 (ah, furk)

THE NOWLEDGE

Chances are that you doughnut think about homophones vary often. Chan says are you don't bother them and they don't bother ewe.

I got my pencil! Give me something to write on, man.She will yell at you until you get it right, punk.

Chances are that the previous to sentences are giving you a my grain. Make that three cent tenses.

Homophones are words that are pronounced the same but carry different meanings. The lady in the picture to the left is not lecturing on homophones; she's probably yelling at her class about pronouns and proper verb conjugation. That, or just pretending to for a stock photo.

If she's an American teacher she's yelling at third graders, many of whom will either forget or ignore the your/you're lesson on account of its homophonic properties.

I openly suffer from homophonia where your and you're are concerned. When coworkers, friends or anyone else fails to properly utilize that third-grade lesson, I judge them harshly, perhaps unfairly. It's a judgment that carries the same scorn as adults who like Hello Kitty or boy bands, even if ironically.

And while homophonia only sounds like it might be a condition rooted in ignorance, it isn't. It's rooted in literacy appreciation. To wit:

Hashtagging what should be you're is Crutchfield's not-so-subtle way of poking you in the eye. He knows exactly what he's doing. After all, how many children call their daddies "Daddy?"

Mr. Pittman expertly demonstrates the passive-aggressive execution of your an idiot to perfection. This is a professional hit.

Whereas Crutchfield was merely poking you in the eye, Bomani uses the same hashtag to poke all of his followers, as the meaning is likely lost on gtownswapdaddy - whose children call him Daddy for short - or, possibly - gtownswap depending on his role-model aspirations.

Poor Brookke is eating her feelings and creating new active-possessive conjugations that are so cutting edge they don't even exist yet.

Lakesha with the Biblical cliffhanger: #your simply Amazing...what? Your Amazing blessings? Your Amazing wrath? Hopefully it's His blessings.

Lexus closes out the sampling with a your/you're reversal layered with an unpressurized, moist simile. Fellow homophones: Don't be ashamed that you hold deep feelings for sanctity of the written word. Identical sounds are limited to speech, which is why phonetic is spelled like that (not really, but it's fun to point that out).

The written word also helps avoid confusion over words like homophone and homo phone. Not sure what the latter is, but I wouldn't recommend doing a Google image search for it.

[does one anyway]

[immediately regrets it]

[clears browser history]

[sets laptop on fire]

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Goin' PogueGift bourbon. Ribbon sold separately.

We're on the brink of October, which is the best month on the calendar due to its football saturation and meaningful baseball games. October also features two genuine holidays: Halloween (candy!) and Columbus Day (O-H!).

It's also the #1 month for fake holidays, like Canadian Thanksgiving, National Boss Day, United Nations Day and Sweetest Day, the last of which is known as a Hallmark holiday artificially manufactured to sell more greeting cards.

Well, Sweetest Day may be a fake holiday but it's still real to me, damn it. That's because Sweetest Day a) doesn't have to be about greeting cards, and b) you get to be the Sweetest too, sweetheart.

And since cards are lame gifts, let's talk about the gift that gives back: Gift bourbon.

Gift bourbon follows the same principles as gift wine: You can't go too high due to avoid setting an expensive precedent, and you shouldn't bring anything too mainstream or cheap because it reflects poorly on you - though note that the difference between gifting wine and bourbon is the difference between giving someone a bottle of wine or a bottle of win.

Which is why Old Pogue is the gift bourbon of choice. I've never bought OP for myself yet I cannot remember the last time my bourbon library was without a bottle. All those Canadian Thanksgivings add up, apparently.

Pogue is that reliable utility infielder that bats .280 every year. If you were to smell suntan lotion while thinking about a giant pancake breakfast, that's what Old Pogue does to your palate. It costs enough to clearly demonstrate that you took your gift up a notch, but not three notches.

So celebrate Sweetest Day this October. Buy your lady the gift of Old Pogue - and then help her drink it.

THE PLAY-OFF

One of the most underrated, weirdly situational and oddly delightful hip-hop songs of all time:

 

Same Song was Digital Underground's marquee track on the soundtrack for one of the worst movies ever made, Nothing But Trouble. America didn't need a funky, layered and superficial butt-shaker for a star-studded movie that everyone knew was going to suck, but it got one. 

This organ-driven masterpiece clashed mightily with the music of that calendar year, which was overwhelmingly dark, terrific and historic: Nirvana's Nevermind, Pearl Jam's Ten, U2's Achtung Baby, Metallica's black album and Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magic all came out in 1991.

The hip-hop album of the year was the timeless The Low End Theory by A Tribe Called Quest. It was a banner year for music.

Meanwhile, Same Song was simultaneously released on both that dumb movie soundtrack and on DU's EP that year. Its official music video featured Dan Aykroyd in bad prosthetics, because nothing screams funk and street cred - at the dawn of the West Coast gangster rap explosion, no less - like an overweight Canadian actor in decline fumbling around "comedically."

DU was a funkadelic spinoff-slash-improv drama troupe disguised as a hip-hop ensemble. That made it a transitional group between acts like Parliament Funkadelic and that burgeoning gangster rap sound, putting DU on an island by itself between eras, like a California version of NYC's Digable Planets but with approximately 10,000 fewer pounds of marijuana per performer.

Greg Jacobs was two members of the group: Shock G and Humpty. Yet despite one guy playing two parts, the "two" rappers often appeared together what the are you kidding what is this sorcery? They're both the same guy. Jacobs wasn't just rapping his ass off, he was acting as two vastly different characters and rapping two asses off. Actually, one ass doing double-ass duty.

Jim Dright, Kenny Waters and future solo artist Tupac Shakur rounded out the group, which earned its big payday for The Humpty Dance but recorded enough incredible material to merit the title of Most Underappreciated Rap Group in History. <-- according to me, and I'm prepared to debate this in parliamentary fashion

It only peaked at 65 on the dance charts, didn't register on the pop charts and is largely forgotten compared to other notable DU hits like Kiss You Back and I Get Around, which appeared on Shakur's first solo album.

Same Song lacked both easily-definable genre and release timing, but worst of all its most charismatic protagonist - Shakur - was relegated to bit player. He was basically Leonardo DiCaprio on Growing Pains. You can't give Leo a supporting role. They gave Tupac a supporting role.

Which makes it one of those hip-hop songs that time has steadily upgraded, not unlike most of the tracks on the Beastie Boys' poorly-charting Paul's Boutique. And that's what makes good rap great: When it's underrated, weirdly situational and oddly delightful.

See you next week - don't fall asleep on Rich Rod. Again.

44 Comments

Comments

Run_Fido_Run's picture

Ramzy, when I saw that one of your subheadings was entitled, "The Dead President[s]," I expected that section to discuss how anyone who has made wagers based on your picks must be burning dead presidents left and right.  

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

That's sort of the open secret of The Situational (whose slot last season was DJ's gambling-heavy Weekend Update).

I've never been much of a gambler. That's why the wagering section every week is so a) brief and b) unreliable.

Edit: Behold, the gruesome details of those wagers: 1 2 3 4

Run_Fido_Run's picture

I'm just giving you a hard time because I'm jealous that you're such a great writer.
And, if trends hold, your picks will be much more useful to degenerate gamblers (not me . . . these days, anyway) than the hacks who go 0.489 of 0.506 for the season - which is most of the handicapping "experts" on the web. With your picks, if we'd simply gone the other way with them, we'd have 65-percent winners, which is awesome!  
[edit: I keep screwing up the calculations].

hodge's picture

Ram zee, your the best right err on this sight.
\Slams head into desk
\Wipes blood off desk
\Runs off to acquire bandages

CALPOPPY's picture

Dude, its "your're", not "your". Deed ewe knot reed any-thing Ramses rote.
?

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

OSUBias's picture

The Arizona picture is priceless. Sad/confused R2 and sleepy backup QB sign caller injured guy right next to each other is just high comedy.

Shitter's full

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

Going to be honest, your articles never cease to entertain the shit out of my boring work day.

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

hodge's picture

Also:

  • "Verses from the Abstract" of The Low End Theory is probably my all-time favorite rap, Q-Tip flows his ass off.  The last track, "Scenario", also features Busta Rhymes, amongst others from the Leaders of the New School.
  • You've likened Old Pogue Bourbon to the Reds' rookie left fielder, third baseman, and occasional first baseman Todd Frazier.  I approve of this.
Run_Fido_Run's picture

My favorite all time is Mind Playin' Tricks on Me by the Geto Boys. Great tune + great message. 

hodge's picture

I'm not really a rap connoisseur, per se; but I've been listening to a Beatles/Wu Tang mashup for like the last year or so, Enter the Magical Mystery Chambers, and it's exceptional.
The guy who did it just finished a Hendrix/Wu Tang record as well, which I'll definitely be looking into.

bigbill992001's picture

Best rap=BLONDIE   ;)

Doc's picture

Ha ha for the Rapture shout out.  Funny for shizz.

"Say my name."

hodge's picture

^ My father's a huge Blondie fan; and while I'll listen to some of their stuff, "Rapture" holds a particular point of derision in my heart.
Now, the mashup with The Doors, "Rapture Riders", it's just too good.

cinserious's picture

Wasn't flavor-flav in Blondie's 'Rapture' video? BTW Debbie Harry was/is HOTTT!

Life's daily struggle is choosing between saying F--ck-it, or soldiering on with your responsibilities.  

Poison nuts's picture

@Fido - Thumbs up on The Geto Boys - I celebrate the entire catalog. That album that just had the mugshots on the cover is still one of the best rap albums ever made...

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

Run_Fido_Run's picture

The Geto Boys were pimp, fo' sho. 

buck i's picture

So does that mean we're going to start getting some Rutherford B. Hayes fan-fiction every week?

BUCKfutter's picture

ramzy your a great writer. espn, cbs, yahoo, si, etc could use a writer of you're ability. you should send you're resume they're, i'm sure there suits would sing you're praises until their blue in the face. irregardless, thanks for you're articles, there the best.

the kids are playing their tail off, and the coaches are screwing it up! - JLS

buckeyeEddie27's picture

Yore grate.

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

nickma71's picture

My long deceased great grandmother married into his family in Fremont.

BucksfanXC's picture

I have karokee'd to Same Song once, and only once because that's the only time I found it as an available option. Humpty Dance would likely be my theme song if people of my stature had such things. Also, I have a room in my house designated the "Tupac Suite" where guests at my house sleep. DU is not under appreciated in my household sir. You do the Lord's work.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Doc's picture

"I don't feel tardy!"  Aahh, nothing like a VH reference to get you're blood flowing.  Ramzy, another fine peace of righting.  Keep up the good work.

"Say my name."

Denny's picture

rumsy pls

Taquitos.

Akeem96's picture

Nothing But Trouble one of the worst?  I thought it took home the prize.

penult's picture

Speaking of homophones...I don't know if the dreaded "could of" is a homophone, since it doesn't actually make sense.  Man, that one bothers me so much.  Probably more than misuse of you're/your.  I wish Alot could save me from my rage over this.  Maybe Of, could Of save me, and would Of be buddies with me and Alot? Oh, Of, you could Of, you could.

smith5568's picture

Ramzy, I recently had the chance to try George T. Stagg and Parker's 5th Edition on the same day. It was glorious. I enjoyed Parker's much better than George T. Stagg. Are you a fan of any of the Parker's bourbons? 

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

I like them both, but they're waaaaay different from each other.

smith5568's picture

Agreed. But even the Parker's are waaaaay different from eachother.  

Alhan's picture

Notably missing from your list of greats from 1991 is Gish.  It may not have been the most polished album; however, it kicked off an amazing run in the 90's for The Smashing Pumpkins.
I too suffer from homophonia but find it difficult to make any headway in correcting people in mistakes.  In fact my would be padawan's become irate that I would have the temerity to waste their time with something so inconsequential.

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

CALPOPPY's picture

On a related note, Billy Corgan (sp?) just opened a tea shop about 2 miles from my work. Yes, tea. Just brewed hot tea at the moment. Hell of a business model. But he did sing at the opening.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Upvote for Gish. Still my favorite Pumpkins album by a wide margin.

Alhan's picture

Ha, thanks!  I'm still probably partial to Siamese Dream but Gish is awesome.  Have you heard the remastered versions?

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

Bucksfan's picture

With such an obsessive love of all things bourbon, Ramzy, I envision the interior of your house looking like a 19th century saloon.

OSUNeedles's picture

I have always been a scotch guy, but after a few weeks of these articles I had to pick up a bottle of Jefferson's Reserve last weekend (actually bought it on the way home from the 'Shoe because I needed something strong after watching the game).

AC1972's picture

Ramzy is to bourbon what Ross is to film breakdown. I don't know any other site where a man can get all the useful information he needs!
...and one thing he doesn't .  WHY O WHY DID I GOOGLE IMAGE HOMO PHONE!!!!
What's the proper bourbon to unsee that?!

Doc's picture

Tequila

"Say my name."

slicksickle's picture

The written word also helps avoid confusion over words like homophone and homo phone. Not sure what the latter is, but I wouldn't recommend doing a Google image search for it.
[does one anyway]
[immediately regrets it]
[clears browser history]
[sets laptop on fire]

Dammit I had to do a search. Wasn't proud of what I saw. Actually think my IT department at work might be searching for me as we speak.

bassplayer7770's picture

Not only are Ramzy's articles entertaining and extremely well written, but they also seem to get the best comments.  I <3 Ramzy...in a completely hetero way of course...

BeijingBucks's picture

Just don't try to call him on you're Homophone
dear lord that bit forced out a guffaw (when LOL won't cut it) in a quiet office. 
Ramzee strikes again

 

 

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

Poison nuts's picture

I've always enjoyed your stuff Ramzy & this one is no different...but for me the best part of this article is the Rich Rod photo... I don't laugh out loud when reading things by myself often - but every time I scroll up & see that that strange, priceless look on his face, sure enough, I chuckle a bit...Thank you sir!

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

brylee's picture

YOUR a funny dude!  i've lol'ed!