The Situational: Week 12

By Ramzy Nasrallah on November 15, 2012 at 4:00p
tigah bait

There are six SEC teams ranked in the BCS top ten, occupying the fourth through ninth spots in succession. It's a glaring reminder of just how dominant God's Conference is once again.

The flip side of this recurring narrative is that the seven teams occupying the bottom half of the SEC now have holy crap 43 losses between them. That's over six per team with two left to play.

poor pigelephant

Fortunately for its brethren at the top, circular logic has never been stronger: A loss to another SEC team is really just half a win, and as long as you don't lose too many other games BCS title game contention is never out of reach. 

The B1G's problem isn't so much its bottom half as much as it is its flag-bearers: Your undefeated Buckeyes are sitting this year out, which obviously hurts. Penn State is on a lengthier sabbatical and will be MACish for the rest of the decade.

Michigan lost to Alabama and Notre Dame with everyone watching, Nebraska can't seem to beat anyone without the aid of sketchy officiating and Wisconsin has no gold stars of note. It's a holistic disappointment.

So threatening the SEC's six-year stranglehold on the BCS title obviously isn't the B1G, but Oregon, Kansas State and Notre Dame, all of whom currently are separating its six ranked teams from the big invitation. Nothing is guaranteed except that the SEC champion will not go quietly into a consolation game.

Also not guaranteed: The staying power of Alabama's funeral, which was delayed one week following its visit to Baton Rouge and instead conducted in Tuscaloosa last Saturday. 

That half-win against Texas A&M probably won't eliminate the Crimson Tide from title game contention anymore than its loss at home to LSU did last season. And if you're staring at the photo in amazement, it's actually a pig's head with delicious meat prosthetics attached.

Tailgating science in the SEC is just as impressive as its football dichotomy. Let's get Situational!


We have never had a president or vice president from the state of Wisconsin. America's Dairyland is known for manufacturing America's nourishment, with edible treasures like cheese curds, sausage and sweet, sweet beer – but Leaders of the Free World aren't among its exports.

Thus, it makes perfect sense this week to showcase America's highest-ranking big eater, who happened to be from Ohio.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Mustache RidesEvery month was Movember in Taft's America.

William Howard Taft had a BMI of 42.3, which put him in Obese Class III. Note that there isn't a Class IV, which means the American Presidency isn't the only highest office he was able to capture.

Regardless of how you feel about BMI as an obesity metric, Taft was a person of size by any reasonable measure. Taft is also an anagram for Fat-T. That's not coincidence. That's science.

Since Taft was from the Queen City, it's also important to acknowledge the high school he attended, as this is seemingly the most important thing in the mind of any Cincinnati native and generally the first question you're asked when you interact with one.

Taft attended Woodward. That made him, what, an East sider? The fact that he was both our president and later Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (where he judged alongside justices he had previously appointed while chief executive) is almost secondary.

The big fella was a decent and intellectually curious president who loved peace, the law, government and gluttony. Taft's snoring was legendary and he was known to belch and fart loudly in public. Gauche? Lewd? Indecorous? Awesome? Yes, across the board.

But most of all: Woodward High School. Go ahead and judge.


THE WRETCHED TURTLE: MARYLAND TERRAPINS (+31) against Florida State, even if they're forced to start their version of Storm quarterback.

THE POWER SURGE: KENT STATE GOLDEN FLASHES  (+2) against Bowling Green. Fun fact: Kent State's only loss of the season is Kentucky's only win. 

THE SAD CHICKEN: VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES (-8.5) against Boston College on Jim Bollman's first Senior Day at Chestnut Hill. His veteran offensive line has paved the way to the 118th-best rushing attack in the FBS this season. If you're wondering, Ohio State's is 110 spots higher and replaced 3/5 of its starters and its tailback – as well as its OL coach.

THE CRIMSON PUPPIES: ARKANSAS STATE RED WOLVES (-3) against Troy, because they put up 34 at Oregon and 50 on almost-Florida beater Louisiana-Lafayette. The latter is obviously Urban's fault.

THE MISSING FEDORA: SOUTHERN MISS EAGLES  (+3) against UTEP, because they took Ohio State's best OOC win, UCF, to overtime at their house. The Eagles also have the 117th-ranked scoring offense and 115th-ranked scoring defense. Oof.

LAST WEEK: 2-3 | SEASON: 23-32


America survived another presidential election last week, and as is always the case with these contests there were threats to leave the country if the wrong guy won.

Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder (whom we'll revisit in The Situational's final segment) promised to leave the US if George W. Bush was elected in 2000. Bush served two terms in the White House, yet Vedder lived here for all eight years. You could say he...can't find a better land.

Died in France in 2004Gangster Sallinger.

Alec Baldwin made the same promise when W first ran for office. His brother Stephen made a similar threat over Barack Obama getting nominated in 2008. They both live in New York and neither left.

R.E.M's Michael Stipe said he would move to England if John McCain had won the 2008 election. He lost, so Stipe stayed. Unfortunately, R.E.M broke up soon after.

As far as The Situational knows, only former JFK White House press secretary Pierre Salinger put his money where his mouth was: He also promised to move to France if Bush was elected in 2000, and he actually did it.

But threats of post-election expatriation are not exclusive to famous people. TO THE TWITTERVERSE!

Canada has historically been America's in-case-of-emergency-break-glass option. Want to avoid going to Vietnam? Canada. Enjoy strip clubs and Molson but aren't 21 yet? Canada.

Here's the catch: That's not glass you're breaking. It's a solid sheet of ice. But on the bright side – it's melting.

The Commander-in-Chief eliminating three million jobs is pretty unlikely. The bad news for J'Cub is if it happened, our 28,500 military men and women currently stationed there would be coming back here as he was going over there.

And then Red Dawn would happen in America. For real. And he would miss it.

Gorgeous country. Try the ceviche. Grow a beard. Go bird-watching. Get your Darwin on.

Ashley, you're moving a France ou quelque chose. You've got to learn the language like some of us already have, so that when you go there and make your best attempt to execute on the native-speak...they'll answer you in English anyway and treat you like garbage.

They already hate you, Ashley. The French hate everyone. C'est vrai.

Good idea, Seth. Better idea: Go to South Florida where almost a million Cuban Americans live and let them know how you feel. You'll make a bunch of new friends!

REVERSAL OF FORTUNE. Obama won; you can stay! Also – had Mitt Romney won, you could stay! That's what's great about the American presidency: It's just one guy and it's extremely temporary. It's just not worth the hassle of relocation.

You can go ahead and sino off from the United States but THE CAT STAYS, SLIM SHADY.

The international democracy index ranks Singapore 81st, which is "kinda free." Saudi Arabia is an Islamic absolute monarchy, ranking 161st (for context – North Korea, which is deadddddd last, is 167th). Your current country is 19th, a full democracy as demonstrated last Tuesday.

Canada, its flowing beer and under-21 strip clubs? They're 8th. Those constitutional monarchies are slippery.

Madagascar is 116th. You'll be disappointed to learn that their animals aren't hilarious either. DAMN YOU, HOLLYWOOD.

A cool 79th, right behind Ghana. Plenty of houses available though. 

Instead of moving to another country, consider just visiting instead. The world is awesome, but America is pretty sweet too. Plus, you already know all of the words to our fight songs! Maybe.


There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Plenty of people think eggnog is disgusting, and 100% of them are wrong. The problem is that it has a horrible name.

Eggnog only sounds awful. If bacon were called porknog you would probably avoid it too. Nobody ate the Patagonian Toothfish until some clever chef decided to rebrand it as Chilean Seabass. And now it's endangered and no less tasty than it was when it was basically fishnog.

Panty melter. You're welcome.The Bacon Bourbon Breakfast. Your move, lunch and dinner.

In that same rebranding vein, this week's Situational Bourbon is the 3B, which the caption beneath the gorgeous picture to the right spells out for you.

Here's what you'll need: Two packages of bacon, eight eggs, three cups of real whole milk, two cups of heavy cream, a half-cup of real maple syrup and three cups of Early Times.

First, cook up one package of bacon. Now eat it. Then, get the second package of bacon and cook that too – but you're going to use this one for the drinks so show some restraint. 

Now pour yourself one cup of the bourbon to drink while you make a batch of 3Bs. 

Separate yolks from the eggs and put them to the side. Beat the whites until they look like something you would shave with and then add in the syrup and beat it some more. Then remove that foamy tan goodness and put the yolks into the same beating bowl.

Once you've whipped up the yellow like it's Michigan under RichRod, add in the milk, cream and the remaining two cups of the bourbon and gently combine everything all together.

The porknog you didn't already eat gets to act as stirrers. This recipe serves anywhere from one to several people. Cheers, President Taft.


Occasionally a non-English song will gain heavy traction on American airwaves in exchange for catchiness. Currently that distinction belongs to Gangnam Style by Psy, whose Korean lyrics act as undigestible sandwich bread around the tasty meat refrain of HEYYYYY SEXY LADY

It doesn't happen frequently, but it happens, and it isn't even genre-specific: You don't have to be reminded that the Macarena once conquered the American charts. So did Andrea Bocelli's Con te Partio. Singing along to either of those carries a high degree of difficulty in our monolingual land. 

However, non-English songs don't necessarily have to come from foreign artists. Sometimes they come from Americans:


Before Pearl Jam's Yellow Ledbetter was released as the B-side for Jeremy it was an outtake that was just sort of made up on the spot.

Guitarist Jeff Ament was riffing on some Jimi Hendrixish chords and frontman Vedder just started singing along – possibly after one too many 3Bs – in whatever language that is.

Excelling in music is not unlike being a clean-up hitter in baseball: Sometimes all you have to do is swing blindly and you knock it out of the park. Yellow Ledbetter is awesome. And, as it turned out, accidental.

The song, through no marketing or promotional vehicles of its own (it was actually left off of Pearl Jam's first commercial release on purpose) still managed to chart in the 20s, which makes it more successful than the vast majority of songs released with a purpose.

It's slightly less coherent than [several Bob Dylan songs go here] but it's still incredibly catchy, despite singalongability being a challenge. Vedder didn't even provide a HEYYYYY SEXY LADY for everyone to enjoy. He was too busy not moving out of the country.

See you next week, when you-know-who comes to Columbus for the first time. Definitely going to have to find that barbecued elephant recipe before then.


Comments Show All Comments


Doesn't break my heart the SEC may get shut out of the national title game this year. I hope the trend continues. God's conference is right. They're the greatest conference in the history of known existence afterall. Not even God himself can beat this conference...aside from a little true frosh QB named Johnny, that is.

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Well technically an SEC team DID beat Bama. Regardless of how new they only the SEC can beat the SEC.


True, I guess it still feels alien to me that A&M is in the SEC. Cant argue with their success. But I can argue with the coddling they get from ESPN.

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

BuckeyeInOrlando's picture

Did you notice how a middle of the pac Big XII team (Nebraska) came to the B1G and was still a middle of the pack team... but a similar middle of the pack Big XII team (A&M) goes to the mighty SEC and is instantly playing with the "big boys"

Jason Priestas's picture

That's true, but it's a middle of the pack B12 team with an upgrade at coach (Sumlin) and quarterback (Manziel). Put this A&M team back in the B12 and they may win it (though K-State is pretty burly this year, too).

d5k's picture

They are better than last year but Tannehill is an nfl 1st rounder and starter. Manziel also looks pretty good so far. Kliff kingsbury is killing it with his version of the air raid in the sec.

ODEEZ330's picture

manziel<tannenhill....fact by 1st rd draft pick. sec is way down this yr imo

stark county football

brylee's picture

nice observation

wjpalumbo's picture

The reason the SEC can only beat the SEC is because of the weak out of conference schedules filled with non BCS teams and Subdivision teams.  Can't take anything away from the quality of the top teams, just would like them to play some quality out of conference opponents once in a while.



factor11's picture

Unfortunately, you cannot fault Florida with UM and FSU on the schedule, depsite having LA-Lafeyette and Jacksonville State.  For the rest of the SEC, ridiculous.

Maestro's picture

Advantage of 14 team conference, teams don't play each other.  Makes for a bunch of 1 and 2 loss teams.

vacuuming sucks

d5k's picture

Bottom 8 SEC teams are winless against the top 6 SEC teams this year.  Georgia only plays/played Florida and SoCarolina and went 1-1 in their awesome 2 game conference season.  Alabama similarly played A&M and LSU in their 2 game gauntlet and steamrolled the other cupcakes (Miss. State is a semi-cupcake fraud).

penult's picture

So while playing the easiest OOC schedules ever imagined, they've managed to completely water down their conference schedules (except, of course, for that one outlier middle-of-the-pack Big XII team--woops). And yet the drooling SEC media will ignore this inconvenient truth.
Ignoring this year, what would you rather see on OSU's schedule:
1. Something like Florida, South Carolina, and a bunch of 1 or 2 win teams, Sun Belt teams and very mediocre teams.
2. TTUN, MSU, Wisconsin, and MSU.
Really hope the selection committee will be objective about strength of schedule. But I doubt it.

d5k's picture

Alabama at least played Michigan and this isnt really a conspiracy theory since noone saw the Arkansas and Auburn collapses. But in general with those collapses and with bad tennessee the middle of the sec is pretty mediocre. Bama had the benefit of the doubt but i think its a rebuildimg year for the whole conference but the big ten has a worse rebuilding year. Pac12 is possibly underrated.

penult's picture

Not saying it's a conspiracy theory either. Just saying an SEC schedule is likely not going to be any tougher than say Ohio State's or USC's on a yearly basis--especially after adding two middle tier Big XII teams to thin the schedule. And agree

BUCKI4LIFE's picture

Wow politics! *sigh*

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Not really. More about empty threats of leaving the country after elections.

BrewstersMillions's picture

I never understood why only the sigh got the special treatment of bodily functions.

Doc's picture

Gazunteicht!(or how ever the heck it is spelled)

CJDPHoS Member

The Official DDS of 11W

hodge's picture

*Urinates in pants*

tennbuckeye19's picture

I once called the incontinence hotline and the operator asked 'Can you hold, please?'

Buckeyeneer's picture

You are so good lookin. (for you Seinfeld fans)

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

buckeyedude's picture

LMAO. It's the feminization of the American male. Next up: Bras for men with moobs(man boobs).



hodge's picture

I make a similar cocktail with bacon-infused-bourbon, one egg, and maple syrup.  Shake all together over ice, strain and serve.  Breakfast never tasted better.  Also, never underestimate the tastieness of candied bacon.  Try it and thank me later.


I just added a ton of bacon to my shopping list just because I read that :)

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Denny's picture

Why was that not already on your shopping list



I don't know. Stupidity on my part

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

CALPOPPY's picture

I just made the Bacon Explosion last weekend.
Try it sometime if you haven't already. Bacon as an edible textile is quite awesome.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

hodge's picture

I made it once with ground Venison, cheddar cheese, and bacon bits wrapped inside of a bacon lattice.  It was pretty good, but I had to do it in an oven, since my girlfriend and I had no smoker in our apartments.  Whenever I get a place large enough to afford me a smoker (read: has a real back yard), I'm going to make a real bacon explosion, and it will be glorious. 

tennbuckeye19's picture

For some reason every time I hear the word 'explosion' all I can think about is diarrhea...
And a 'bacon explosion' sounds like a special type.

CALPOPPY's picture

Yeah, I just made it on a charcoal grill and thought it was pretty good. It added enough of the charcoal flavor. I was worried about the coals but they lasted a couple hours and cooked it just right. I cooked on aluminum foil.
TennBuckeye, you get a sticker for that comment. If it makes you feel any better about the wording, think about it as your heart exploding and not your rear. It's a much more healthy thought.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

ATXbucknut's picture

Bacon and Andrea Bocelli in the same post.  Well done, sir.  Well done.

Buckeyeneer's picture

If you are too lazy to make your own egg nog, I tried everyone at Kroger, both with and without alcohol, last holiday season and Evan Williams is by far the best. 15% alcohol.

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

Doc's picture

Not to pick nits Ramzy, but we are a Representative Republic not a Democracy.  Sorry, my history teaching father made me do it.

CJDPHoS Member

The Official DDS of 11W

BucksfanXC's picture

We are both, they are not mutually exclusive. (Disclaimer: this is not meant to start a political debate, carry on)

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

sharkvsghost's picture

"Government Type: Constitution-based federal republic; strong democratic tradition" - CIA World Fact Book

swing hard in case you hit it.

kareemabduljacobb's picture

Man it smells in here... plus I just farted.  (What movie??)

toad1204's picture

God willing the SEC will be held out of the NC game for being a fan of themselves and no singular team.  Worked with a kid from Kentucky who had no right talking about football but often played the TEAM card...  I'm sure anyone on the southern side of Ohio/ Nation can identify.  Just talking about it annoys me.
Drink sounds like something from the Epic Mealtime boys (google fastfood Lasanga), only classier.  Thus it must be made.

Nothing like dancing on the field in 02... 

btalbert25's picture

Yes, I live in the belly of the beast.  I do get a lot of, I DON"T CARE WHO WINS AS LONG AS IT'S THE SEC...... I do have a couple friends who make valid arguments.  I disagree still, but get what they are saying.  One of my friends said look, UK football is never winning a title. If other teams in the SEC are playing really well and UK upsets one of them it's awesome.  I still don't get cheering soley for SEC teams just because you are in the SEC.  If Wisconsin was in the title game, I wouldn't be proud if they won.
One of the most violent reactions someone ever had when I was giving them a hard time about sports came from a UK fan talking about football. I said totally laughing when I did it, Oh I didn't realize they played football in Lexington.  I was talking to my best friend when I said it and this dude talking to him went ape shit.  It was ugly and embarrassing for him. 

larzdapunk's picture

Let me be the first to say how happy I am that someone whose twitter handle is PornStar@___Sextherm is staying in the country.  GOD BLESS THE USA

Denny's picture

Pretty brilliant, though not calling Taft the 'Fat Monopoly Man' makes this a push.


hodge's picture

I think he'd take umbrage with the "Monopoly Man" moniker, considering he busted 90 trusts during his four-year tenure, compared to the scant 54 that Roosevelt busted in twice the time.

spqr2008's picture

One of my favorite things in Cinci is the Taft Art Museum, simply because it's the home of Taft's brother, and one time senator and governor, Robert Taft, and he got stuck in the bathtub there, that they still have on display, because he was so fat.

btalbert25's picture

Why don't people say if t hey are going to leave the country they'd go to Tahiti or some other tropical paradise where you can spear your own seafood because the water is so clear and beautiful and you can sip on drinks that have umbrellas out of coconut shell all day?  If you are going to move out of the country (or threat to do so) why not go somewhere awesome instead of Canada?

jedkat's picture

Anyone else kinda sad that there wasn't a "page views girl", but instead a dead pigaphant?

"Can we please stop the message board fighting? I really can't stand the message board fighting..."

"No. You're an idiot, and your posts are terrible."

ArTbkward's picture

Not so much :)

We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...

(Also, I'm not a dude)

jedkat's picture

Touché turtle, touché.

"Can we please stop the message board fighting? I really can't stand the message board fighting..."

"No. You're an idiot, and your posts are terrible."

theDuke's picture

yes jEd. Very sad. :(  The Sitch is still sweet tho


BuckeyeSki's picture

Kegnog is to Half X-mas as Hoke is to Golden Corral Buffet

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

BuckeyeSouth's picture

If I move out of the country I'm going to Chile so I can hear a guy sing Yellow Ledbetter lke Eddie Vedder.

Champions.  Undisputed.  

sharkvsghost's picture

In the history of accidents, few have turned out better than Yellow Ledbetter. Nice piece, Ramzy, per usual.

swing hard in case you hit it.

dr green's picture

Hey, where's my gratuitous chick pic?

Alhan's picture

Some posts are possibly NSFW

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

LadyBuck's picture

Can I threaten to move out of the country if 'Bama gets into the MNC game?

btalbert25's picture

So I'd like to try a 3B, but I'm affraid my heart may explode halfway through and I wouldn't be able to give you a full report on how awesome it tasted.

BoFuquel's picture

BELCH! I'm movin' out of the USA if I die this year.Kinda likely one outa two men my age have prostate cancer,just something to look forward to guys.Half of you gonna get it.I'm still mad about TSUN in 1997,didn't make me proud and never will. GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

brylee's picture

as usual ramzy...great write up!

nickma71's picture

Maybe they can move to Lybia, Tunisia, or Egypt.

Maestro's picture

Make me fries.........

vacuuming sucks

el duderino's picture

Taft is also an anagram for Fat-T. That's not coincidence. That's science.

Pure gold, as usual. Thank you, Ramzy; The Situational may in fact be the reason I can make it throught to Thursday in any given week.


"This is a very complicated case: a lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what-have-yous."

nickma71's picture

With Oregon getting Stanford (and they will steam roll the trees), they will pick up a lot more BCS computer points. Widening what should be a huge gap between them and the domers.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Please - no teabaggers allowed up here in the Great White North!!!  It has been quite delightful up here thus far and I cannot imagine they would add anything on the positive side of the equation!  Give Somalia a look - it has the 'Don't Tread On Me' mentality that you seem to love! 

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

Alhan's picture

"Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Mustache Rides" - All I can see when I read this is the scene from Super Troopers.

First, cook up one package of bacon. Now eat it.

Words of wisdom to live by.

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

ArTbkward's picture

"I want to leave Benningan's"   This is one of my favorite YouTube videos of all time.  I'll bet 15 of those views are from me over the years, I almost died laughing the first time I saw it.

We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...

(Also, I'm not a dude)

Unky Buck's picture

Nice addition with the misheard lyrics for Yellow Ledbetter, Ramzy. That's my all time favorite song oddly enough. I was 11 (I think) when I first heard it and have loved it ever since. But I digress...I practically *peed* my pants laughing at it while sitting in my office. Would've been a tough situation to explain to some coworkers as to why I had to leave for 30 minutes and walk out with a big piss stain on my jeans.

Rock over London; Rock on Chicago. Timex: It takes a lickin' but keeps on tickin'

What the Fickell's picture

 Alot of LOL going on at this end once again. Especially fishnog. I like the seabass at P.F. Changs but my favorite Seabass was in "Dumb and Dumber"...."wine 'em, dine 'em 69 'em.

Brady Hoke wears scarlet undies.

Dougger's picture

Ramzy, thank you for adding yellow ledbetter in here. Oddly enough, It was also the theme of our friends' NASCAR trip to M_chigan International Speedway last year.. so it fits?
.. on a wizard on a whayeeyale!!!

I like football

dtanmango's picture

You sir, point out hilarious ironies in the Nowledge section haha. I also did not know that Taft had sneep apnea! Great post Ramzy, keep em coming!


German Buckeye's picture

Ramzy - please, please, please continue a Situational for basketball season.  I cannot get enough of these posts.