The Situational: Week 11

By Ramzy Nasrallah on November 8, 2012 at 4:00p
go bleeeuhuhuhh
75 Comments

Two weeks without an Ohio State football game: It's like 1/17th of the offseason crammed right into the middle of the season just to remind you of how horrible things are for most of the year.

The Buckeyes are spending their bye week soaking in hot and cold tubs to help heal their bodies for Urban Meyer's final two adversaries: Bret Bielema's bloated wizardry and Brady Hoke's corpulent genius.

Vanquishing both would qualify his first season in Columbus as football's sexiest honeymoon season since Larry Coker's at Miami 11 years ago.

But that dream slumbers for another week, and regardless of what goes down next Saturday in Madison (SPOILER: Drunk people outnumbered only by encased meats) the Michigan game never cedes importance to anything. For now, it's a weekend of rest and observation.

And speaking of observation and Michigan, check out not-Tate Forcier in that picture. A few weeks ago The Situational made the mistake of displaying Jenn Sterger in its opening when discussing FSU, and then last week it showcased some fancy Oregon cheerleaders. That elicited pleas from the commentariat for more pretty lady pictures in this space.

Well, the Internet has plenty of those already and some men just prefer to watch the world burn. So here, have a Michigan Woman™ (she's probably just a native Ohioan rebelling anyway – that's how the category is generally defined).

Next time be more specific. Let's get Situational!

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

This showcase alternates between native Ohioans and presidents from wherever the Buckeyes are playing this weekend BUT since Ohio State gets off this Saturday it made more sense to highlight the only POTUS whose name sounds like it was created by the adult film industry.

Mmmmm.that's the look of sedition. I MEANT SEDUCTION. Seduction."Bow-chicka QUACK QUACK." - Mallard Fillmore

Millard Fillmore was the last of the merkins Whigs to sit in the Oval Office, and like the majority of made men who have graced The Situational with their deadness, he was also one of the weakest presidents the Republic has ever seen. 

As POTUS in the turbulent mid-1800s Fillmore chose to appease the South by using federal protection of slavery as a bargaining chip. He signed off on providing government officers to slave owners to assist them in tracking down escaped property on their behalf.

After leaving office, Fillmore was one of America's highest-profile xenophobes, which history remembers as the Know-Nothing movement. He was creeped out by Irish and German visitors showing up and infecting America with their customs.

It's safe to say he would hate St. Patrick's Day pub crawls and would be mortified at the influence the Bavarian Menace has had on the republic, successfully sewing German ideas like Kindergarten, Christmas trees and bratwurst into the fabric of America. Over a quarter of the US today carries German or Irish heritage. Ol' Millard would probably scream that he wants his country back.

Fillmore wasn't a big fan of Abe Lincoln either, and that's all you really need to know about his standing in presidential rankings: One of those men's likenesses is featured on two different forms of currency, while the other's namesake lives in Chatsworth and has film credits that include Mustached Copier Repairman #2 and Pantsless Pizza Delivery Man.

THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE CHOP SOOEY, HUNGER GAMES, COLORFUL VETERAN, AUTHOR'S NAMESAKE, TOOTHPASTE

THE CHOP SOOEY: ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS (+15.5) against South Carolina, and it's just been a disastrous year for over half the SEC but shhhhhhh...

THE HUNGER GAMES: TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS  (-24) against Kansas, because the Jayhawks' coach won't be able to keep himself from looking ahead to the best Sunday pizza buffet Lubbock has to offer.

THE COLORFUL VETERAN: HAWAII RAINBOW WARRIORS (+29) against Boise State, and yeah, it's weird to be in November without anyone slobbering over Boise State. Did I say weird? I meant delightful.

THE AUTHOR'S NAMESAKE: COLORADO STATE RAMS (+3) against UNLV, because with Ohio State on a one-week vacation it's totally acceptable for a scarlet and gray team to get trampled.

THE  TOOTHPASTE: COLGATE RAIDERS (no line) against Lehigh, because Colgate's mascot (Raiders? What?) is the definition of a missed opportunity. #FluorideWarriors #CavityCreeps

LAST WEEK: 1-4  | SEASON: 21-29

THE NOWLEDGE

Last week while Hurricane Sandy was still whipping around in the Caribbean, the local news stations and papers in New Jersey, New York and Connecticut were begging people not to die stupidly in its aftermath.

Flooding, high winds, building failures, tree collapses, airborne projectiles and freak accidents are tragic; not stupid – that wasn't what the talking heads were cautioning. They meant heeding mandatory evacuation orders, staying away from downed power lines and wires and – most stupidly – not running gas-powered generators indoors.

WARNING LABELS ARE JUST ANOTHER LAWYER TRICK THA-[dies]On every single generator sold in America, yet...

It seems like extremely common sense but people die stupidly almost every single time there is a large-scale power failure of significant length. The lights go out for what is predicted to be an extended period of time and within hours the ambient humming of generators keeping the beer cold and TVs blaring until power is restored can be heard in every neighborhood.

In doing so, some people then fatally decide they can't be bothered to keep their FOSSIL FUEL-POWERED COMBUSTION MACHINES outside of their houses. Playing chicken against carbon monoxide is a losing proposition.

Normally the Nowledge is staunchly dedicated to ridicule. This week – as many of my neighbors in NJ still are without flushing toilets or electricity – it's instead committed to preventing readers of The Situational from gaining entry to the illustrious Darwin Awards.

The death threat posed by gas-powered generators is printed on every single one that is sold. It's been included here for your convenience.

Please don't die during a power failure. Do something fun instead (and when you do that fun thing, don't forget to wear protection - Millard Fillmore).

Just remember: Carbon monoxide is like airborne iocane powder and is not to be trifled with. It's like getting involved in a land war in Asia: You would never do that either.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Panty melter. You're welcome.Suffering Bastard: When you've suffered enough.

It's November, it's cold and if you're like me or millions of other people who live on the East Coast, you spent the better part of last week watching your house or entire neighborhood take it on the chin from a bitch named Sandy. 

Living amongst downed trees, broken windows and the ambient hum of generators almost makes Ohio State's bye week easier to swallow. Either way, misery is all relative: You're a suffering bastard.

The Suffering Bastard is an ancient and unappreciated elixir once thought to be a hangover cure. Its efficacy is debatable but its tastiness is not. The left guard in this Dave play is Buffalo Trace, whose pungent bouquet taps into the Hendricks gin you're going to mix it with quite well. 

A shot of each is all you need. Add a dash of bitters and ice to your shaker. Pour it all into a glass already half-filled with ginger ale, add lime juice if you prefer your Bastard with tartness and then float the citrus of your choosing as pictured.

A wise bartender once told me that the only way to kill the pain is to kill it dead. This will do the trick, but take caution: The Suffering Bastard follows the Manhattan rule for drink limits - treat them like breasts: One isn't enough, but three is too many.

THE PLAY-OFF

Back to the Future is 26 years old, won an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, spawned a franchise of sequels and was even mentioned by last week's Dead President in his State of the Union address in 1986. You've seen it several times. Everyone has seen it several times.

Also, you actually made it this far into in The Situational which categorically makes you an 11W loyalist and means you already realize that not a week goes by on this site without a BTTF reference (hi Sarah!).

Everyone with a major role in the film either already was or became quite famous: Michael J. Fox, Crispin Glover, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Mary Steenburgen – and even Billy Zane went on to have significant roles in other big movies or television shows.

Well, every actor except one. 

Thomas Wilson, who brilliantly played Biff and then Biff's grandson and great-grandfather in the BTTF sequels never won another role that even began to approach his masterpiece as the menace of Hill Valley. And people who mark him decades after the trilogy was completed haven't forgotten:

It's a catchy song but it is evident that Wilson carries some resentment to being recognized for BTTF and not the several dozen extremely minor roles that he's had since working with Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg.

Hard to blame him, but at least those passers-by are remembering something great that he did. Imagine bumping into JB Shugarts at Chipotle in Columbus in 2037: Hopefully he would demonstrate the same humorous tolerance for annoying questions that have been stale for two decades.

See you next week when the Buckeyes will add rested and ready to undefeated. Just two more, comrades.

75 Comments

Comments

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

Why would you confuse my penis with that picture...??

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

BED's picture

Not conflicted at all Ramzy, that chick is ugly as sin.

True story, last year, I kept yelling "get those ugly b*tches off my TV" when they'd show the scUM cheerleaders.  My cousin said, "what if you fell in love with a beautiful girl, and later found out she was a Michigan alum?"  My reply, "impossible.  You can't love someone without a soul."

The Ohio State University, College of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2006
The Ohio State University Moritz College of Law, Class of 2009

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

well said lol

But i'll believe that there isn't a well crafted playground underneath that uniform when "me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert."

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

BED's picture

so much Supertroopers today.

The Ohio State University, College of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2006
The Ohio State University Moritz College of Law, Class of 2009

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

touche...forgot about good ol' car Braxrod

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

Oyster's picture

My personal favorite:
'I said, Stop Jumping On The Bed!'

May you R.I.P. Otsego, but know this. Gaylord Rocks!

btalbert25's picture

I hear ya, I'm more conflicted by Fillmore than the girl wearing sun and blue up there.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

There is no such thing as a beautiful AACC alum!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

buckeye76BHop's picture

Soulless is fine by me...because I couldn't throw her out of my Bed;-) 

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."

Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

NoVA Buckeye's picture

That's no chick. That's a really really girly man.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Still a better QB than Denard Robinson.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

hodge's picture

"Carbon monoxide is like airborne iocane powder and is not to be trifled with. It's like getting involved in a land war in Asia: You would never do that either."

Personally, I find that getting involved in either classic blunder is:

OSUBias's picture

Wow, Hodge FTW. Do you have a 6GB library of funny pictures just waiting to be broken out?
Edit: meant 6TB, not GB

Shitter's full

hodge's picture

Why yes I do*
*and by "do", I mean "am addicted to google image search"

Squirrel Master's picture

YOU ROUS!

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

Alhan's picture

Also, while you may be able to spend years building an immunity to iocane, I can tell you from NOT first-hand experience that you cannot do the same with carbon monoxide. Do not try it at home kids!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

Et_Tu_OSU's picture

I'll admit it, Hodge - I love you, man...

"The revolution will be televised."

ArTbkward's picture

Two of my friends and I have a photo with "Biff" that was taken at The Funny Bone 6 or 7 years ago.  He wasn't even the performer (some hypnotist was) so I'm not sure why he was there.

We should strive to keep thy name, of fair repute and spotless fame...
(Also, I'm not a dude)

BuckeyeSki's picture

To quit smoking. Butt-head!

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

The Suffering Bastard follows the Manhattan rule for drink limits - treat them like breasts: One isn't enough, but three is too many.

I should've listen to this advice many times before...

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

LexingtonBuckeye's picture

This may be my favorite line of writing to ever see the light of day. If I could upvote that line, I would a thousand times. Well done, sir.
Also, since I live in Kentucky, I will be partaking in a suffering bastard tonight and see if the bourban bar bartenders know this concoction.

GoBucks713's picture

Michigan fans are like gingers. They're only good for delivering pizzas and other forms of indentured servitude. And that mannish looking cheerleader probably is the best looking post-op that they could squeeze into the Maize Sun and Blue, but Forcier would still F (s)him.

-The Aristocrats!

BrewstersMillions's picture

Hey hey hey, that's not true-they are really good at delivering footballs to wide open Ohio State defenders.

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would more obvious.

Poison nuts's picture

Don't know why this hasn't gotten 34456 votes...

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

GoBucks713's picture

I think I got down voted by that cheerleaders Dad or something.

-The Aristocrats!

Denny's picture

Gin + bitters is highly underrated. Adding bourbon is a brilliant plan.

Taquitos.

hodge's picture

I find Gin + Copious Amounts of Olive Brine to be a much sexier combination.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Clear liquors are for rich women on diets.
Gin is really, really good when you open the top, turn the bottle downwards and combine with your kitchen drain.

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would more obvious.

hodge's picture

So, does that include White Dog and Tequila Blanco?
Because seriously man, those are some tasty ass spirits.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Always the nit picker...
Tequilla is one of those things human beings should have been able to uninvent.

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would more obvious.

Alhan's picture

Blasphemy!

Tequila equals deliciousness. Especially when mixed with lime juice, agave nectar, and Grand Marnier!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

hodge's picture

Ahh Brewster, sounds like someone had a bad night in college...

BrewstersMillions's picture

Nah. I can't really say that's the case. I just never cared for the stuff. Jameson was my first true love and will always have a special place in my heart be it the standard, 12, or 18 year. That's given way to Canadian Whiskey a little and of course Bourbon is the newest love. I've always preferred dark, and in most cases just straight.

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would more obvious.

LexingtonBuckeye's picture

You may want to try eagle rare with a splash of ginger and squeeze of freshly cut orange. That is my current drink of choice. Though, you can add whatever bourbon you wish to this and it should do the trick.

BucksfanXC's picture

Agree. I'd rather drink Pine Sol than Gin; tastes the same.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

btalbert25's picture

I am not a Gin fan either.  I tried it one time and that was all I needed.  Never again!

Buckeye in Illini country's picture

Love me some Ron Swanson!

Columbus to Pasadena: 35 hours.  We're on a road trip through the desert looking for strippers and cocaine... and Rose Bowl wins!

Et_Tu_OSU's picture

"The revolution will be televised."

johnblairgobucks's picture

Sorry Ramzy, but the truth lies somewhere closer to this:

Alhan's picture

This is why you limit yourself to just two Suffering Bastards. Any more and the thing in this picture starts to look more like the image at the top of the page!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

gbdawg's picture

Looks like Steve Everitt

1stYrBuckIClub's picture

OMG, this situational was too much! A. I feel the need to rip the Michigan garb off of that hot yet misguided girl (for hatred of all Michigan clothing, naturally). B. You made me watch the Iocane scene again, because I couldn't not click the link, C. Any drink named 'The Suffering Bastard' just reminds me of myself every day I leave work, and D. Biff singing anything funny just made my day. Thanks Ramzy!

Buckeye in Illini country's picture

I am a fan of Stone's Arrogant Basterd myself.

Columbus to Pasadena: 35 hours.  We're on a road trip through the desert looking for strippers and cocaine... and Rose Bowl wins!

bukyze's picture

Deelish.  I also get hangovers a lot faster with all Stone products, now that I'm getting older.

One Bad Buckeye's picture

I like beer... a lot!  But I'd rather gargle with Elmers Glue than drink Arrogant Bastard any old day of the week.  

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

Borrowed Time's picture

what a wonderful and awful picture... just don't know what to think

btalbert25's picture

The situational has got me branching out on my bourbon selections.  Last Saturday, I went to a local liquor store in NKY which has a fine selection of bourbons, and there was a guy with a table that had samples!  He said what are you looking for, and I explained that I'm quite the novice when it comes to bourbon, especially drinking strait.  He recommended several selections of single barrel options that are unique only to this store.  He actually selected the individual barrels that were bottled by Eagle Rare, Buffalo Trace, Elmer T Lee and others specifically for his store.  He got a shot glass out, and poured me several samples of the different bottles and I settled on the Single barrel Elmer T Lee selection.  It is really smooth and well worth the 35 bucks.  I'll be sipping on that for quite some time!

Oyster's picture

When we were on our honeymoon (20+ years ago) we went to the Barcardi factory in Puerto Rico and sampled many rums.  We bought 2 bottles of 1873 which is 10 years old before bottling.  At the time, it was not exported to the USA, not sure if it is now though.  Anyway, I still have half a bottle left and each year on our anniversary we both have a small glass with each other.  Very smooth and a great sipping rum.   

May you R.I.P. Otsego, but know this. Gaylord Rocks!

USMC11917's picture

Sorry, not conflicted at all. I know exactly what I want to do. Take her shirt off. It isn't like I want to marry her.
Italicized=Sarcasm

Doc's picture

The work week isn't complete until I read The Situational.  I really enjoy this article every week Ramzy.  I hope you keep it up during BB season as well.

"Say my name."

Bucksfan's picture

Fun thing about Back to the Future Part 2 that almost everyone here probably knows:  Ohio State is mentioned during the score updates for the college football top-10 on the radio while Biff is driving home from the dance.  Those scores are real scores that happened on that day in 1955.  "Ohio State beats Iowa 20-10."  BOOM!  Suck it, Hawkeyes!  Also, I think 4 of the top-10 were B1G schools...my oh my, how the mighty have fallen.

 

Sgt. Elias's picture

+threeve for Merkin usage
I was going to make a "...but does the merkin match the drapes?" quip but decided it would be too churlish.  Wait, I just did it.

"Okay -- I've got an El Camino full of rampage here." 

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

good lord. dat wikipedia pic lol

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

Unky Buck's picture

I'm surprised it took this many posts for someone to mention the merkin line. So stinking clever, Ramzy

...

gravey's picture

Merkin...and a Chatsworth reference...right after I fought traffic on Topanga Canyon to get through Chatsworth.  I had a buddy who delivered pizza to many sets there... Much better than my pizza delivery job back at OSU.

Rt.50Bucksfan's picture

                                                               Not Conflicted!

buckeye76BHop's picture

^^^NICE!
See Much better!

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."

Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Damn - now she's hot and doesn't look like a dude!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

JLP36's picture

she looks so much better after ditching that scary halloween costume!  that costume was hideous.

JLP36

buckeye76BHop's picture

That pic above of #12 is just awful...and Ramzy you've out done yourself again.  Conflicting that first Blondie pic is...yes...however a few drinks and I could overlook that shirt if she put a coat on to cover it;-)

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."

Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

johnarmitage's picture

Fillmore looks like Alec Baldwin will in 20 years

johnarmitage's picture

He's got Alex Baldwin Eyes
(sung to the tune of "she's got betty davis eyes")

German Buckeye's picture

It's the eyes - they are Baldwin eyes.  Maybe he was his bastard great grand father...

German Buckeye's picture

Is this simply the best blog on the interweb.  So much humor, wit and just plain awesome writing.  We are spoiled with 11W writers and staff and dare I say community of fellow readers and commenters.  Just love it. 

Alhan's picture

I'll see your blatant plea for upvotes and raise you +1 sir!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

larzdapunk's picture

My game each week is to try to guess the teams that the situational wagers are describing.  2-3 this week.

grant87's picture

That is an ugly shirt!  She should take it off! :))

Maybe tomorrow, when today will be yesterday things will be clearer.

GO BUCKS !!

ToothBuck's picture

Looks like a pouty-face Blake Lively to me. Not conflicted.

wibuckeye's picture

Bielema takes QB's from the ACC, is cHoke looking to the lingerie league now?

WIBUCKEYE

JLP36's picture

The Suffering Bastard follows the Manhattan rule for drink limits - treat them like breasts: One isn't enough, but three is too many.
 
So, following the rule 4 or 6 is good, but not 5 ?

JLP36

Alhan's picture

It's not a direct reference, but you reminded me of this:

Skip to 1:52 :)

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

Boxley's picture

Having personally dated a girl with 2 regular, +1 nipple I found that situation to be quite exhilarating (dare I say titillating).
So three of some things is not always a bad deal, unless we are talking ex-wives, then that would really suck..

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

Alhan's picture

Hmm, I think I'll refrain from posting any pictures from THAT particular Mallrats scene :-P

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

theDuke's picture

bookmark "darwin awards"

theDuke