The Situational: Week 8

By Ramzy Nasrallah on October 18, 2012 at 4:00p
hahahahahahaha pageviews
69 Comments

Florida State and Miami hook up on Saturday night in a rivalry that currently resembles a fading actress whose roles in Hollywood have steadily diminished.

These days the game serves as a reminder of how enticing it once was, back when it was played in the Orange Bowl and both teams' rankings summed a single integer. 

This game was as good as any midseason classic prior to 2004. That's when it abruptly became a protected clash between ACC Coastal and Atlantic Division foes that still have yet to meet in the conference title game.

If that brand of hopeful manufactured scheduling sounds familiar, it's because it is.

And if the lady in the middle looks familiar, it's because she's Jenn Sterger. During the 2005 Florida State/Miami game she was fortuitously captured by an ABC cameraman, who brought the audience back to her and her fellow Cowgirls again and again and again.

Brent Musburger took it from there, and several years and media jobs later Brett Favre was texting her pictures of his dong. It's your typical girl-meets-camera-meets-notoriety-meets-NFL-creep storybook path to fame. You've seen it happen a thousand times.

Chilly weather and red leaves are the best weather and the best leaves! Let's get Situational.

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

Imagine finding a crumpled one of these in an old pair of trousers back in 1934:

Chris Webber money, circa 1992

It would be like finding $1,709,636.36 in your trousers hipster dungarees today, and in either case you would be in some trouble because that thousand-Benjamin bill was only used for transactions between Federal Reserve banks. You'd have some explaining to do, or at least your jeans would.

General population folks like you and I didn't have access to this paper. Even soda machines dismissively spit them out no matter how perfectly they were inserted. Some things never change.

The cat on that hard-to-find bill is Woodrow Wilson, our 28th POTUS who served between William Howard Taft and Warren Gamaliel Harding. Both of those guys were from Ohio, which means that President Wilson was America's Palate Cleanser™ despite proudly having the most Ohio name ever.

Wilson is remembered as one of America's finest leaders, having navigated our still-flailing republic through globally turbulent times. That doesn't mean he isn't controversial; the idea that the United States is morally required to intervene in international affairs is often referred to as a Wilsonian worldview. He's that guy.

It's hard to really delve into his particular presidency without trampling 11W's politics mandate, so we'll keep it light: Wilson got American into and out of the Great War, and the efficacy of his handling of the latter has been, at kindest, questioned.

He also pseudo-influenced the movie Dave by stroking out in office and having the degree to which he was incapacitated covered up by the government. Kevin Kline was not available as a stand-in while Sigourney Weaver was on assignment aboard the Nostromo. #cinemajoke

Regardless, Wilson still possesses the coolest currency photo ID of any POTUS or Ben Franklin. It's just too bad you have to die before they mint you.


THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE JUNGLE CAT, SERVICEMAN, INSURGENT, ENDLESS BUFFET

THE JUNGLE CAT: AUBURN TIGERS  (+8) against Vanderbilt, while still losing because Satan hates Auburn.

THE MOUNTAIN CAT: BYU COUGARS (+14) against Notre Dame, which is back to being hated again for the benefit of the sport.

THE SERVICEMAN: NAVY MIDSHIPMEN (-3.5) over Indiana, because its defense is 25 spots better than Ohio State's and we all know how accurate the transitive property in college football is.

THE INSURGENT: UNLV REBELS (+27.5) against Boise State and its crazy Halloweenish black uniforms, which are unfortunately required this year since the Broncos lost their Sweetheart status in East Lansing.

THE  ENDLESS BUFFET: OKLAHOMA SOONERS (-35.5) against Kansas. Everyone's rallying around Charlie Weis! With torches!

LAST WEEK: 3-2  | SEASON: 14-21

THE NOWLEDGE

Below is a side-by-side look at the 2007 and 2008 ACC Championship games held in Jacksonville and Tampa, respectively. Your clever everybody came dressed as empty seats joke is extra HURR-worthy and already well-traveled.  

Quick side note: Those locations - especially the Jacksonville one on the left - were deliberately contracted by the ACC under the assumption that Miami and Florida State would be playing there for the conference title. They got Virginia Tech and Boston College in both of those years. Whoops.

Anyway, the official attendance at these games was 53,212 and 27,360 from left to right. Look again at the picture. Look back at the numbers. Look again at the picture. Repeat until it makes sense.

The weather was too nice, obviously.Every single college football fan from New England was present at both games.

Based on capacity, those figures mean the two stadiums you're looking at are 68% and 41% full, respectively. You'll be shocked to learn that isn't true.

Among the sillier and largely inconsequential things about sports today (manufactured ESPN-driven narratives, NHL labor disputes, replay booths staffed by octogenarians who cannot figure out the remote, etc) is how attendance is calculated. The figure that's used is "paid attendance."

Paid attendance is a unicorn term. It refers to something that doesn't exist; a combination of two terms that don't belong together, kind of like a horn and a horse.

It serves as bad camouflage for the actual term that should be used, which is "tickets sold." The critical component of "attendance" is the number of warm bodies present. It's actually the only requirement of that word.

If paid attendance was accepted and adopted anywhere other than stadiums, students whose tuition obligations were met could completely skip out on the "school" part entirely and still get credit. Or as it's more commonly known: North Carolina.

Waiting until the third quarter to announce paid attendance also makes it seem like there is a deliberate intent to mislead, as if some actual counting took place.

More than anything else, it's bad acting. According to the University of Miami, there were 38,510 people at this gameThe other 33,000 people were waiting in line to pee. Hurr? HURR.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

You don't need a PhD in whiskey science to figure our this week's Situational Bourbon, though we can all agree it would be the best post-graduate work ever.

A Boilermaker simply requires one beer and a shot of whiskey. A Purdue Boilermaker mixes in a photograph of Drew Brees, a sexy mustache, hot dog water-scented incense to bring about that West Lafayette aroma and two exploding ACLs (all optional).

We'll just focus on the drink part. You have some options here.

You could consume the whiskey and beer with speed or deliberation, separately or together. Situationally it's going to depend on the quality of your ingredients as well as how much you hate yourself.

If you've got your hands on some good whiskey and beer, enjoy them at your leisure, as you're blessed by your fine resources. The ultimate Boilermaker would be a double Pappy Rye followed by a Bell's Two-Hearted Ale, consumed sequentially at the speed of your average senior citizen behind the wheel of a Buick Lucerne.

However, if you're staring down 1.5oz of janitor-strength ammonia and a pint of discount skunkwater, drop the shot into the beer and quickly consume the entire medley in fewer than two gulps.

IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: You'll want to be careful not to shatter your orthodontic work or end up getting ambulatory rhinoplasty: A shot glass combined with gravity has the potential to create a one-man bar fight that you will lose every time.

THE PLAY-OFF

Imagine taking everything in your fridge, squashing it all into a blender and drinking the resulting mixture. Once you finally finish vomiting you'll wonder why you ever brought yourself to do that.

Musically, that unnecessary concoction is Suzanne Vega's Tom's Diner.

 

Once you get past the song's flavorless hip-hop beat poured atop the sanitized elements of several musical genres all blended to the point where babies can comfortably digest it, you're left with this gripping introspective:

I am sitting in the morning at the diner on the corner I am waiting at the counter for the man to pour the coffee

And he fills it only halfway and before I even argue He is looking out the window at somebody coming in

Vega's song about nothing is set in Tom's Restaurant on 112th and Broadway in Manhattan, which you might recognize as the fictional Monk's Cafe from the 1990s sitcom Seinfeld, a show about nothing.

The difference is that Seinfeld is probably the greatest sitcom of all time, while the only enduring value Tom's Diner has is for torturing prisoners at Guantanamo. If Ohio State allows Purdue to score like Indiana did, this song and several of those janitor-strength Boilermakers might come in handy Saturday.

It would be like hammering your thumb to take your mind off of your stubbed toe. Might as well go full-masochist if Purdue can get its second Columbus win in 45 years. Might as well go to Tom's Diner.

See you next week. Remember, Florida State may have the Cowgirls, but Ohio State has sexy superfans of its own.

69 Comments

Comments

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

that is one of the most beautiful SFW pics on the internet...wooooof

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

One Bad Buckeye's picture

Jenn Sterger and Co. need to pose wearing seatbelts! Haha!

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

do...not...care lol

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

bukyze's picture

And they're SPECTACULAR.  (Seinfeld reference).

AltaBuck's picture

'Boutros-Boutros 'Golly'!"

I am Groot - Groot

Jeremy91's picture

Not even close haha

"Do not pray for an easy life. Rather, pray for the the strength to endure a difficult one" - Bruce Lee

tennbuckeye19's picture

I was referring to the $100,000 dollar bill...

Bucksfan's picture

Tenn, they have to be real.  My eyes are looking right at them, and they don't lie.

Squirrel Master's picture

I wonder if they got a BOGO deal on those. Buy one pair, get one free!

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

jestertcf's picture

They are real on the outside!!

~Because we couldn't go for three~

buckeye76BHop's picture

I could care less about fakes (my wife has em and I love those too) and....now some of you may see why FSU is my other favorite team (well at least their fans are my favorite;-)
I'll be drinking one for all of us at high noonn on Saturday...GO Bucks!

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."

Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

BED's picture

Good God, Ramzy. Pageviews.

The Ohio State University, College of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2006
The Ohio State University Moritz College of Law, Class of 2009

Earle's picture

"And if the lady with the hat looks familiar, it's because she's Jenn Sterger. During the 2005 Florida State/Miami game she was fortuitously captured by an ABC cameraman, who brought the audience back to her and her fellow Cowgirls again and again and again"
Fortuitously, or gratuitously?  Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Just say no to italics abuse.

buckeyeEddie27's picture

First, holy cow.   
Second, The ACC is sad.
Third, two hearted smells like farts.  I can't say for sure it tastes like farts (cause you can't actually taste a fart) -even if it is really bad (still no).... but I think it tastes in your mouth like a fart smells in your nose. 
I'll probably take some heat saying that but I really can't stand that stuff.

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

Squirrel Master's picture

I assume there might be sulfur in those things since sulfur has a fart smell to it!
you just wanted a reason to say fart a few times, didn't you? lol

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

buckeyeEddie27's picture

....maaaaybeee

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

GoBucks713's picture

The stench comes from where it's brewed. Michigan.

-The Aristocrats!

bassplayer7770's picture

Your farts must smell absolutely delicious!

TheHannimal's picture

i will trade buck-i guy and those other 2 guys for jen sterger and firends right meow.  Hell you can just have buck-i guy.
 
 

Squirrel Master's picture

I would be inclined to (maybe, just maybe) trade TBDBITL for them and have them be the half time show!
Do you think they can do formations? ;)

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

johnblairgobucks's picture

Come on man, You can't give away Buck-I-Guy, gotta love that dude.

Big Nut, on the other hand, well, they can just have him

 

GoBucks713's picture

I'm going to have to disagree. That dude is annoying. Big Nut isn't that bad. I'll trade them all in just for one more time to see the Neutron Man at The Game.

-The Aristocrats!

timdogdad's picture

for every td purdue scores i'm doing a shot of ammonia and cleaning part of the kitchen floor. that's multitasking right there...

Oyster's picture

How big is your kitchen floor?  It might get a double cleaning...

Hogan1's picture

Those are some big recruiting tools.

tennbuckeye19's picture

Here's my rendition of Tom's Diner:
'Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh,
Duh, Da-Duh, Duh,
Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh,
Da-Duh, Duh' 
The End.

Squirrel Master's picture

You know you went for the "extra" when one creates a shadow on the other!
Those shirts gotta be at least a 1000 thread count to keep from ripping!

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

Posterchild's picture

You know, I never understood why FSU has so many hot women on campus. Talahassee is not exactely a "beach" town....
I'll take my school's (FIU) Dazzlers. They're real at least... 

Earle's picture

Consider me dazzled.  Wow.

Just say no to italics abuse.

Oyster's picture

Got news for ya, if I can see them, they are real.

joel121270's picture

And the people in the congregation said AMEN!!!

Squirrel Master's picture

I do hope that is not a hypothesis and that you actually did field work to confirm that!

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

btalbert25's picture

Bret Favre approves of your post

BucksfanXC's picture

Bell's is good, but its state of origin should warrant at least a warning.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

OHBuckInCA's picture

As someone who lost a night's recollection to drinking "Boilermakers", I would not recommend them in the combined form.  Take that shot first and sip a delicious beer.  Otherwise, puking in a cab in San Francisco could happen to you too.
Just trying to look out for fellow Buckeyes.

"The time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect." - Woody Hayes

Squirrel Master's picture

Good looking out. Although, if I end up puking in a cab in San Fran after some of those, that is a heck of a night! WOOO!
ya know, since I currently occupy Louisville, KY!

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

GoBucks713's picture

Get some boilermakers at Cumberland Brewery. Everytime I'm in the L, I hit that place up.

-The Aristocrats!

BoFuquel's picture

I see Vandy is backing out of next years home opener.Good we don't need to ever be playin' no stinkin' ESECPN teams ever again. Ya think Ol EGG may have arranged this? If he did buy him some more ties,good move.GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

larzdapunk's picture

Upon loading this week's Situational and seeing the FSU girls, I was afraid that Pat Forde was holding Ramzy hostage. 
One last thing:

Orange Bowl and both teams' rankings summed a single integer.

I think Ramzy really means to say a single-digit integer.  Technically, 123 (the sum of FSU and Miami's rushing defense rankings) for instance is still a "single integer" /mathteacher

Ohio1St81's picture

Ha ha awesome I thought the same thing. /mathteacher too

Jason Priestas's picture

Just wait until we publish a box score made up of nothing but imaginary numbers.

sir rickithda3rd's picture

wow with that first pic talk about attention grabbing... cant blame brett favre... did i say wow already?

mark may wins douchebag of the year... again

joel121270's picture

Was there actually stories after the first section? Between the Maxim link and the two hotties I lost all concentration to even read what the rest of this write up was about and I love reading Ramzy's stuff.

jestertcf's picture

for some reason I am suddenly hoping FSU wins...

~Because we couldn't go for three~

AeroBuckeye2001's picture

Paris 1919 is one of my favorite documentaries, it pops up on the Military Channel from time to time. Wilson kept the US out of the war for 3 years. I'd argue that it wasn't a moral obligation that brought America into the war, it was a "last straw" of those dirty Germans trying to convince Mexico to attack us in order to further distract us from the happenings in Europe. Germany knew they couldn't survive an infusion of American soldiers into the war.
OK, sorry to nerd out...yay boobies!

The Ohio State University Class of 2001
BS Aero & Astronautical Engineering

BrewstersMillions's picture

My third favorite part about Jenn Sterger was is her choice in football teams.
"Ohhhhhh oh ohhh oh oh.....Ohhhhhhhhhhh oh ohohoh".
**Best attempt at the chop chant**

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would more obvious.

johnblairgobucks's picture

glad you clarified the chant part.  Thought the worst man.

Doc's picture

I thought he was doing his "oh face"

"Say my name."

johnblairgobucks's picture


Why is Sterger wearing a #12 tag on her wrist?  or hadn't you noticed?
 
 

Oyster's picture

Here is an obvious gay test.  What wrist?

William's picture

Gay test? Really?

Oyster's picture

Sorry, perhaps I should have said 'Wrist?  What wrist?'

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Can't talk about Jenn Sterger without bringing Brett FaVRE into the conversation.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

cajunbuckeye's picture

Got to give a shout out to my nephew Ryan, who gets his first start as a Cane, at QB against the Noles Saturday night. GET SOME, RYAN!!!! Double edged sword. Love the nephew, he's an outstanding student athlete. But it is really tough to root for Miami.

An angry fan...rooting for an angry team...led by angry coaches

johnblairgobucks's picture

Kellen Winslow jr, fatigues coming off the airplane, Jimmy Johnson,  all the fights and all the unsportsman like stuff that has colored Miami's History, it has put them at Co-Enemy #1 with Michigan and Notre Dame, in my eyes.....when I start thinking about how much I dislike the Hurricanes, this comes to mind:

and I feel better.

causeicouldntgo43's picture

What a great picture, full of so many potential captions. It was "the end.... of the world.... as Miami fans knew it" (sung to REM).

Maestro's picture

Tom's Diner, oh the Hell Week memories are still fresh in my nostrils.

vacuuming sucks

Brutus Forever's picture

maestro, where did you go to school and what frat were you in? i went to columbia

"I learned to dislike Michigan at a very young age.” – Urban F. Meyer

Brutus Forever's picture

and also experienced a hell week that culminated in a tom's diner visit LOL

"I learned to dislike Michigan at a very young age.” – Urban F. Meyer

nickma71's picture

Didn't that fed res bill show up on Pawn Stars?

Unky Buck's picture

Not sure if anyone else had the same problem, but I kept reading "Satan" as "Saban"...

...

causeicouldntgo43's picture

The two are interchangeable.....

causeicouldntgo43's picture

Now that I've actually seen a picture of Jenn Sterger, I can understand why Favre went a little ape-shit-crazy. Don't really condone it, but can sort of understand why he wanted to do the Lambeau Leap of Lust and stick a perfect two-point landing......

Unky Buck's picture

Don't you mean 1 point landing? **Ba dump bump**

...

cinserious's picture

Anybody know who the milf is next to jenn sterger?

Life's daily struggle is choosing between saying F--ck-it, or soldiering on with your responsibilities.