The Situational: Week 6

By Ramzy Nasrallah on October 4, 2012 at 4:00p

This is what it sounds like When Doves Cry

48 Comments

As scheduling luck would have it, Mississippi State got an extra week to prepare for its game with Kentucky on Saturday.

Just how does a defensive coordinator exploit an extra week to get healthy and focused enough to stifle the Wildcats' 105th-ranked rushing offense, which forces you to pick your poison with its even more daunting 67th-ranked passing attack?

Conversely, how does Kentucky (1-4) fight the urge to look ahead one week to its prime time showdown against Arkansas (1-4), which features the nation's 115th-ranked rushing offense and 116th-ranked scoring defense? 

Let's go even deeper: How does Arkansas avoid looking past its game this weekend versus Auburn (1-3) with its harrowing 118th-ranked passing attack, 76th-ranked rushing attack and 116th-ranked scoring offense?

Regardless of how their handsomely-compensated SEC coaches and assistants prepare their boys, one thing is certain: The Big Ten is just terrible this year.

Eat Too, Brutus is this Saturday! Let's get Situational.

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

Long before serving as our 38th POTUS, Gerald Ford earned three varsity letters and the 1934 MVP award (as the center for a one-win team that was shut out five times) at Michigan. Prior to that, Ford was a little kid named Leslie Lynch King Jr. And he was from Nebraska - which is why he is being featured this week.

Smokin' in the boys' roomNebraska-born Michigan Man doing POTUS work.

Ford's original namesake, Leslie Sr, had a recurring issue with beating his mother, so she left him and Nebraska less than three weeks after junior was born. He was rebranded as Gerald Ford for the paint salesman she eventually settled down with in Grand Rapids, which today is home to a nice airport named for Leslie 2.0.

The presidency is known to accelerate the aging process, and without having served in the nation's highest office Ford might have eventually joined the centenarian club. As it was, Ford was our longest-living POTUS, having lived for 93 years.

His longevity in life was directly inverse to his tenure as President: None of our leaders served for a shorter period than Ford did without dying in office from pneumonia (Harrison), gastroenteritis (Taylor), a gunshot to the pancreas (Garfield) or being poisoned by his wife (Harding).

That's not to say he didn't sidestep death a few times: Ford survived two assassination attempts within three weeks while visiting California during his tenure. There was also wide speculation that his demise would inevitably occur on account of a pack of wolves, but thankfully that never came to fruition.

While his maize and blue #48 was retired back in 1994, it will be returned to circulation - along with Bennie Oosterbaan's #47 and Ron Kramer's #87 – and each number will be rebranded as "Michigan Legends" as all jerseys will be options for Michigan Men going forward. And Ford, for his service to America as well as his greatness in Ann Arbor, is categorically a Michigan Legend.

Separately, he also lost his final game to Ohio State, 34-0. Ford was a great American but this is still a Buckeye blog.


THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE BIRD, CAT, DOG, TREE, MAN

THE BIRD: Air Force Falcons  (-8.5) over Navy. This conclusion was drawn from having seen Navy lose to Notre Dame, Air Force lose to Michigan and Michigan lose to the Irish and then applying a transitive theory which absolutely doesn't exist in college football. Junk science!

THE CAT: Kansas State Wildcats (-23.5) 0ver Kansas, because old/great at coaching flambés fat/terrible at coaching nearly every single time.

THE DOG: Those fog-trippy Mississippi State Bulldogs (-10) 0ver Kentucky in an SEC battle with SEC players in an SEC stadium on the SEC Network. Also: SEC.

THE TREE: STANFORD CARDINAL (-12) 0ver Situational favorite RichRod's Arizona Wildcats, who will feel the hideous wrath of a frustrated team that shouldn't have lost that week.

THE  STORM: MIAMI HURRICANES (+11.5) against Notre Dame in Chicag-what are those things where the seats are supposed to be? People? At a football game?

LAST WEEK: 2-3  | SEASON: 9-16

THE NOWLEDGE

This week's lesson in smartification comes from the Michigan State University School of Acute Trauma Transference.

Diaphragm spasms, more commonly known as "getting the wind knocked out of you" are no laughing matter. Literally. You can't laugh at all when this happens, because the simple act of laughing requires your diaphragm.

This reaction occurs when sudden force strikes the celiac plexus, which is comprised of the radiating nerve fibers all along the abdomen, temporarily paralyzing the diaphragm. The victim fights what feels like a temporary suffocation before the shock wears off, which is when the diaphragm begins functioning normally again.

"His neck isn't breathing! He should probably sit out a play."PICTURED: MSU trainers checking Gholston's...lungs.

Last Saturday sophomore MSU DE Will Gholston suffered blunt trauma directly to his face and neck from one of his own teammates. Fortunately for exceptional athletes like Gholston, who is the best player on the Spartan defense, he is equipped with super-human countermeasures for this exact circumstance:

His body is capable of redirecting blunt force trauma away from his face. In this case, all the way to his diaphragm.

In order to perform this radical procedure, Gholston had to power himself down. Remember when the Avatar controls were turned off remotely in Pandora? It's kind of like that.

Surely you can believe this is what happened, because there's no way Michigan State would allow a player that was knocked out to re-enter a game. No one wants to win that badly.

Once he completed the trauma transfer from his head to his diaphragm (which on Gholston's long, Na'vi-type frame is a distance of at least two feet) he slowly powered back up, capable of passing a concussion test. Because that was necessary to determine if Gholston was in fact knocked out: A concussion test.

Most importantly, Gholston's gift allowed him to get back in the game quickly. Because that's what really mattered most on Saturday: Getting the star player who had laid completely motionless and unresponsive on top of another player for a significant period of time back into the big game.

Everyone wins. At least in the short term. Well, except Michigan State. And Gholston.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Eat Too, Brutus is going to be wonderful. So will Drink Too, Brutus tomorrow night. But let's get down to brass tacks: When all the ambient noise of the weekend subsides, you just might find yourself somewhere quiet with a strange lady.

Similarly: Ladies, you may find yourself somewhere loud with a man that smells of department store brand cologne and...potential.

Panty melter. You're welcome.The era of Sidecars being made with brandy is over.

In either case, Situational Bourbon is required. Your romantic future - whether long or short-term - swings in the balance. If you prefer that it swings in your favor, the Bulleit Sidecar is your order.

But Sidecars are made with brandy! you say. Hush, I say back, putting my freshly-lotioned finger on your chapped lips. Bourbon is situational. Ending the evening with a new friend doesn't call for brandy. It calls for bourbon. Ending the evening with brandy is for men who wear monocles who will eventually die from dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

Virtually everything can be improved by simply adding or substituting bourbon. And there is no greater value in bourbon today than Bulleit, which is universally underpriced.

The people who make Bulleit obviously don't care about money. They just want you to be happy. They want to be your wingman.

A Bulleit Sidecar requires a martini glass, which should be chilled with ice and water. Bulleit and Cointreau go into a shaker of ice along with half of a lemon (just throw the whole thing in there). Then you dance for your new acquaintance while rattling the shaker.

Delicately pour out the chilling water and roll the lip of the glass in sugar; confectioner's/powdered if available. Fill it with your Bulleit/Cointreau/lemon elixir and add a garnish as pictured.

Now say something charming and toast to the memories you're making. And if you're single and attending Eat Too or Drink Too, you should probably memorize this recipe. It will come in handy.

THE PLAY-OFF

Last week in comments of The Situational, Hodge - a handsome member of the 11W Commentariat - referenced one of the great gems of the mashup world:

I've been listening to a Beatles/Wu Tang mashup for like the last year or so, Enter the Magical Mystery Chambers, and it's exceptional.

Tom Caruana's Enter the Magical Mystery Chambers was downloaded 50,000 times before the fun police had it erased from the Internet (if you sleuth hard enough, it will turn up - and it's worth it).

But years before Caruana was inspired by John Lennon and Big Baby Jesus, a guy named dj BC did something very similar - but instead of going Wu, he went Beastie. A sampling:

 

 

The skill required to correctly pair, combine and produce dozens of songs born out of a single Beastie Boys tune with a corresponding Beatles melody is unworldly, yet dj BC made it look easy and obvious. 

It wouldn't be shocking if he was capable of pissing bottles of fine Meritage after consuming several bags of Capri-Sun. You hear a melody; he hears its DNA. Lennon died several years before License to Ill was released and you would think he wrote Come Together specifically to be paired with Hold it Now, Hit it.

Unlike the Wu/Beatles contraband, this mashup library is openly available and free to download. Hodge, thanks for the reminder, however indirect. 

See you all at Eat Too/Drink Too but try not to trip over the fog machine when you enter: We'll be forced to conduct a group S-E-C chant at your expense.

48 Comments

Comments

Enzo's picture

I really look forward to Thursday afternoons thanks to The Situational.

btalbert25's picture

I like Bulleit a lot as well.  I stumbled upon it by accident one day.  My local Kroger had it marked down a couple of years ago and I got a fifth for something crazy like 12 dollars.  So I bought it for a concoction I make with Bourbon and Cherries.  I tried it though and liked it quite a bit.
There's a Bourbon Bar her in NKY.  Their "well" bourbon is Bulleit.  If you get any of their cocktails like a Godfather or anything else for that matter, unless you specify other, they are giving you Bulliet.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Check your facts, Ramzy. There is no way Hodge is a handsome man.
No way, I says....

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

hodge's picture

I makes all the wimmens swoon; any asstertation to the contrary is blasphemy, I tell you, BLASPHEMY.

Denny's picture

The day that I found Bulleit Rye at my neighborhood liquor store was one of the happiest of 2k11. Great choice of a bourbon this week, Ramzy.
For mashup jams albums, Wick-it's 'The Brothers of Chico Dusty' Big Boi/Black Keys mix album was pretty boss.

Taquitos.

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

I like the rye a lot, but prefer the bourbon over rye any day. It's so much spicier and more delicious in my very humble department store cologne covered opinion

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

hodge's picture

I'll raise my glass of Bulleit to you any day, good sir.
Cheers!

BrewstersMillions's picture

I'm actually taking my first foray into the bourbon world this weekend. I've always been a Vodka guy but a wise man once said that clear alcohols were for rich women on diets so its time I step my game up a little. Hopefully by Saturday evening the Bucks will be 6-0 and I will be enjoyable buzzed on my newest spirit of choice. I think Bulleit Rye is going to be the go to.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

hodge's picture

Bulleit Rye is distilled from the fermented hair of angels, mixed oh-so-elegantly with a dash of ground horn of unicorn.
In other words, a mash bill of 95% rye and 5% malted barley.  A good simple cocktail is two fingers of said potion with a splash of ginger ale (Ale 8-1, if you really want Kentucky authenticity) and a twist of lime.

BrewstersMillions's picture

I'll have to give it a shot.
Ha! get it? Shot? I kill me.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

tennbuckeye19's picture

I lived in the Lexington area for several years and became a big Ale-8 fan, or 'Kentucky Creek Water' as many of my Kentucky friends have affectionately referred to it. One of my best friends was born and raised in Winchester, KY, where Ale-8 is made and we took a tour of the bottling factory one time. Whenever I go to Kentucky I pick some up to get my fix. 
 

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Bulleit Rye is exceptional, and like its bourbon sister, hilariously underpriced.

But the rye you're describing is the Pappy Van Winkle 13-year which unfortunately is sold mainly by your local unicorn farmer.

hodge's picture

What are your thoughts on Whistlepig? I've been meaning to try that one next, it's a bit more in line with my finances. I've heard Sazerac's 18 is divine, as well: but their standard is too corn-heavy for me.  Anchor distilling (the same guys who make Anchor Steam Beer) in San Francisco has a few 100% ryes, one that's are aged in non-charred barrels, according to the standard 18th century style, one straight rye, and one that's aged 10+ years. It's bottled at like 100 proof, but that's number one on my hit list. Can't find it in Ohio or Kentucky, though. 

Abe Froman's picture

Check popswines (www.popswines.com).  They have begun listing a 20 year old Pappy.  In Ohio, they deliver to your door.  It is like a leprechaun delivering a little pot of gold each time I receive a bottle of Zyr Ultra smooth vodka.  Since you cannot buy the Zyr in Ohio, having someone deliver it for less than the price of a bottle of Goose is great.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

Pam's picture

Ha! I am neither rich nor on a diet, but give me an ice cold vodka (Ketel One) martini, straight up with two olives. That first sip and the nice warm buzz. Heaven

Abe Froman's picture

Try Zyr from Popswines.  Absolutely the best I have ever encountered.  Delivered to your door for about $28 per bottle.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

BucksfanXC's picture

Hodge deserves all the one-ups!
Good show ole boy, I do say.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

ballgame's picture

Love the caption on that Mississippi State photo

BeijingBucks's picture

hahaha... yup.
I found myself with visions of Prince writhing around in the fog reeling off a guitar riff serenading Niki with Miss State players cascading down around him in slow motion.
Brilliant stuff Ramzy as usual

 

 

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

awwwwwwop's picture

Did anybody ever listen to the Jay-Zeezer mashup? I think it was called the Black and Blue Album.  A favorite of mine throughout high school  http://www.jay-zeezer.com/

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

Denny's picture

I'm partial to Jaydiohead - the mixing was done a few years later and doesn't have as many compression issues as the old Jay-Zeezer mixes.

Taquitos.

Angler's picture

I wish Ted Ginn would have done a "trauma transfer" in the national championship game....damn!

BucksfanXC's picture

I've never been big on bourbon, this weekly feature has been tempting me though and I think I'll go out and try some this weekend. I'll be in C-bus this weekend, any suggestions to sip some samples?

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

btalbert25's picture

I used mix with coke because well I couldn't handle anything strait.  I graduated to stronger  cocktails like a Godfather wish is delicious by the way.  Then very recently, I've been trying sipping bourbon.  I bought a pint of Woodford last week and had a couple glasses of that with a little water and it was pretty smooth really.  
So, I guess my answer is, what are you going to do?  Are you going to have bourbon and coke or sprite or something like that?  If so, use something like Beam or Makers.  If you are going for sipping, Woodford is pretty good.  
 
 

Jimmy's picture

Agreed, the makers and beam are great with coke.  But the Bulleit is still my favorite with coke.  I wouldn't sip it, but it just works as a mixer.

Rockhbuck's picture

I'm a fan of Basil Hayden's as well as Bulleit. 
Always have it neat with just a spoonfull of water to open it up. 

NCBuck1's picture

Wishing I could make it this weekend to throw down with the eleven warrioteers!  I'm thinking you all need to create a drink this Saturday and call it the "Silver Bulleit".  

Akeem96's picture

I don't think you understand how the game picking thing works.  Let me help.

  1. Regardless of how you did, you claim 4-1 and 23-2.
  2. Instead of taking your amazing game picking skills to a legal sports book and getting rich, you actually pay for radio airtime offering your picks on a "free" recorded message.
  3. Repeat.

This system of offering your picks publicly and accurately displaying your results is just silly.

causeicouldntgo43's picture

Here's hoping that Reid Fragel's breakout game against Gholston wasn't mainly because Gholston should not have been playing opposite him after "getting the wind knocked out" of his brain......

Geraffi's picture

"As scheduling luck would have it, Mississippi State (entire team pictured below being tackled by its own fog machine) got an extra week to prepare for its game with Kentucky on Saturday."
Funniest thing I've ever read/seen. 
SEC!  SEC!  SEC!

WiliestBuckeye's picture

Gholston may have passed his concussion test, but he failed his knockout test. I saw it with my own 3 eyes. I would think that the Michigan St. staff could come up with something clever, but I guess "diaphram spasms" is the best they could muster up afterall. Maybe they had too much Bulleit Sidecar for breakfast, who knows.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

Maestro's picture

Also : SEC
Ha !!

vacuuming sucks

Alhan's picture

The opening section was just beautiful. :)

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

NoVA Buckeye's picture

I knew we couldn't get through the week without a "N is for Knowledge" joke at Eleven Warriors. Gets me every time.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

BeijingBucks's picture

All this mashup references from the Situational (abs n all) adn no mention of Girl Talk?  Nothing like a dweeby white kid to take all your classic Hip Hopster hits classic rock and reduce it to math.  genius ensues!

 

 

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

Alhan's picture

I'm gonna have to try the sidecar.  I have a couple of questions though.  What's the proper ratio of Bourbon to Cointreau?  Equal parts? 2:1?  Also, I generally keep Grand Marnier on hand for my bitchin' margaritas.  I've always heard that you can interchange the two.  Any thoughts?

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Personally, I just softly whisper "Cointreau" at the shaker. You want to let the bourbon do the heavy lifting.

Drink recipes should be executed to personal taste. Measurements are too rigid. Save that kind of specificity for cutting carpet.

Alhan's picture

Hah!  I can't help it, I'm an engineer :)
I'll pick up some Cointreau some time and spend a night determining my fave!

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

Boxley's picture

Excellent! Shakespeare is reborn again.
No more drinking for me, I do not like waking up in an unknown arena covered in what was hopefully just rainwater!
Bad memories, let's  just leave it at that.

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

BUCKI06's picture

Great Situational Ramzy - loved the SEC stuff in the beginning and Gholston's super powers.  I loved when he was walking off the field he kept shaking his head to make sure the wind went back into his diaphragm.
Never had a sidecar, but i'll have to keep that one in mind.  I've been partial to a couple fingers of Booker's lately - I'll be looking to cap off a Buckeye victory with that on Saturday night.
Anyone remember the mashup of Jay Z's Black Album and the Beatles White Album (so eloquently referred to as the Gray Album)?  Pretty good stuff, incredible how well it went together (at least I think so, it could have just been the drunken late nights in college that made it seem so great).
Go Bucks!

"As long as we're keeping score, we're gonna try to win this thing." - UFM

Maestro's picture

The artilde linked to The Next Question cracked me up.  
What I saw, in fact, was an aerial view that showed him moving his legs seconds after the hit and before the training staff got to him. Much earlier than I realized when I watched it live. He was still mostly motionless for several seconds and I can see why people assumed he was out.
BS.  The only movement that happens in Gholston's body is from other people moving underneath him because he is as limp as a wet rag.  As people wiggle there way from under his limp body his legs do move, but not under his control.  He was out cold.  

vacuuming sucks

BUCKI06's picture

Agreed.  When I saw the play live, I was afraid someone got really hurt.  Braxton managed to duck in time and Gholston took 100% of the hit to his head stomach.

"As long as we're keeping score, we're gonna try to win this thing." - UFM

bassplayer7770's picture

BS.  The only movement that happens in Gholston's body is from other people moving underneath him because he is as limp as a wet rag.  As people wiggle there way from under his limp body his legs do move, but not under his control.  He was out cold. 

I agree.  Braxton was underneath him.  To his credit, he didn't move while the medical staff attended to Gholston.  That was some great sportsmanship if you ask me.

buckeye76BHop's picture

Great article as usual Ramzy.  I'm calling BS on Dantonio and his proclamation that Gholston wasn't Knocked out...I'm pretty sure he was....considering he didn't move.  I loved your comparison of the two medical symptoms...to funny

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."
Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

OSUBias's picture

I tried to explain the Gholston incident to one of my friends (mainly so I could share the "got the wind knocked out of his head" humor, which makes me laugh out loud every time). After an email and a brief phone conversation, he youtubed it. Here is his reaction: "Ok, there is no way he wasn't unconscious. He either got concussed from that hit or drank 23 beers and fell asleep in 1 second during the middle of the play."
I think that pretty much sums it up. As much as i'd like it to be 23 beer related, it wasn't. He almost got decapitated.
Also the mixture of football talk and drinking is the perfect elixir to the latter parts of the work week. Really wish I could make it to Eat/Drink Too Brutus and meet some of the commentariat and the staff. Have fun, be safe, create funny memories and proceed to share them with the unfortunate among us who can't make it this weekend.
As always, Go Bucks! And wow...SEC SE(falling down over fog machine in cubicle)

Shitter's full

smith5568's picture

Laying facedown in the turf and motionless is the natural reaction of a person who has the wind knocked out of them because that is how you get the most air...  

osubuckeye4life's picture

Such an entaining article, thanks Ramzy.
 
As far as mashups go I also highly recommend DJ Z-Trip and DJ-P Uneasy Listening Vol. 1
http://www.mixcloud.com/dean-cox/dj-z-trip-and-dj-p-uneasy-listening-vol-1/
Some amazing stuff on that album.