The Situational: Week 9

By Ramzy Nasrallah on October 25, 2012 at 4:00p
florida georgia cocktail party
38 Comments

The burgeoning disaster that Urban Meyer created at Florida will defend its perch atop the SEC East in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party on Saturday afternoon.

If the Gators can get past Georgia in Jacksonville they should cruise into their final regular season still undefeated for their showdown with Florida State.

But regardless of what happens against the Seminoles, Florida would already be locked into the SEC championship game, despite the fragile condition Meyer left the program.

If you're wondering, there are only upperclassmen starting for Florida's ferocious defense, which holds opponents under 12 points per game - or about half of what Ohio State's currently allows.

It's the same story on the offensive side of the ball, which is now somewhat competent following the departure of Charlie Weis. (who knew?) (everybody did) (except Kansas) (Mark Mangino laughing)

Will Muschamp has done a masterful job of cobbling together a championship contender out of the five dozen blue chip players that Meyer left behind when he escaped Gainesville to let someone else clean up his mess.

Wipe the sarcasm off your screen! It's time to get Situational!

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

The historical consensus is uncontroversial: Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest president. Historians are equally unified in ranking Lincoln's predecessor and successor as two of the absolute worst leaders in our country's history.

Andrew Johnson abruptly took over for Lincoln following that unfortunate evening at Ford's theater. His presidency is one of the more popular catastrophes in DC politics, which included the only non-Lewinsky impeachment in history.

Less renown in disaster lore is the service of James Buchanan, our only POTUS hailing from the state of Pennsylvania.

The visceral influence behind Anthony Hopkins character in Legends of the Fall.Buchanan never married. Or owned a comb.

Were it not for Presidential caboose Warren Gamaliel Harding, Johnson and Buchanan would be sidled together at the very bottom of history instead of on infamy's doorstep. Consider Buch's highlights:

- He supported the Dred Scott SCOTUS decision which ruled that Africans brought into America as slaves had no protections under the Constitution. It is now remembered as the worst ruling in Supreme Court history.

- His response to southern threats of secession was to shrug long enough for the next President to have to deal with it.

- He wanted America to annex Cuba from Spain for the purpose of creating a slave state.

- He was hated so much by his own party that he didn't seek re-election and barely appeared at the convention.

Were it not for Buchanan's presidentially-unique bachelorhood (he would take his neice to state functions that required a date) there would be no element of his presidency to debate. While everyone agrees he was terrible, not everyone is convinced that he was a homosexual. That's the only controversy that remains in his legacy.

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner, and as the political landscape got choppy Buchanan completely abandoned ship. He and our republic were mercifully bailed out by Lincoln's stewardship, but only after over 600,000 citizens died in the most tragic event in American history.

So the Keystone State's sole contribution to the President was an completely fumbled disaster. Here's hoping the flagship university of Buchanan's home state achieves his level of competence on the football field this Saturday.

THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE OYSTER BOWL, STEER, FEATHERED PHALLUS, FEATHERED FICTION, GAS N' SIP MURDER SUSPECTS

THE OYSTER BOWL: DELAWARE BLUE HENS  (even) against Old Dominion, and now you know that the Oyster Bowl exists.

THE STEER: TEXAS LONGHORNS (-23) over Kansas, because betting against Chaz Füpa never gets old.

THE FEATHERED PHALLUS: SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS (-14) over Tennessee because a soda machine that's already been tipped can't un-tip itself.

THE FEATHERED FICTION: MIAMI REDHAWKS (+9) against Ohio since the MAC isn't allowed to have anything nice, which is sad.

THE  GAS N' SIP MURDER SUSPECTS: UTAH UTES (-1.5) against California, because Ohio State's strength of schedule can't have anything nice either, not that it matters.

LAST WEEK: 4-1  | SEASON: 18-22

THE NOWLEDGE

My days as a permanent citizen of Columbus ended in the early 1990s, so I don't really know who "Common Man and the Torg" are. I'm more familiar with their 11W contemporaries.

As you've probably heard, early last week "the Torg" tweeted that he wished former Michigan star Desmond Howard would be fired or die so that he could watch Gameday again. Predictably, it went over about as well as a bomb joke in the airport security line. 

It only took a few hours for the original Honey Boo Boo Kirk Herbstreit to valiantly come to Howard's rescue. What started as a little unplanned vacation from the radio has since turned permanent: Mr. Torg has been dropped by his employer.

Openly pining for the death of a public figure is generally unadvisable, but in doing so Torg unwillingly provided convenient cover for Howard, whose contribution to football analysis resembles the empty Ohio State punt coverage that produced his famous Heisman moment.

As the valuable Gameday franchise continues to expand - the show is now twice as long as it originally was - more heads are required to take on the workload. Howard presents a unique addition to the panel: He had a wildly successful college career. That said, he should be more capable of executing on his job description.

DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERPNot going to win broadcasting awards.

Howard consistently offers analysis from a different, fictional universe. That's not worth openly wishing for his demise, but his contributions to Gameday are almost exclusively of the unintended comedic variety.

You probably remember a couple of weeks ago while offering insight into the upcoming Iowa/Michigan State game Howard matter-of-factly stated that the Spartans "had run all over Ohio State." He used that event to shape his game prediction.

Now, if you can get past the fact that Sparty ran the ball 22 times against the Buckeyes for a prodigous 34 yards, you'll arrive at the realization that his prediction was based on something that categorically did not occur. He seems to be easily confused by...details. This isn't an isolated example. Just watch the show (you probably do; it's Gameday).

The best part of that particular Howard fact-check is that he actually attended the OSU/MSU game along with his show mates, who just sort of let it pass. They're used to it by now.

But the angst coming from the Torg's termination is more directed at Herbstreit, who injected himself into the controversy and is believed to have contributed to the decision to make his suspension permanent. It was unnecessary on Herbie's part, who has made a handsome living saying and making empty gestures.

Regardless, wishing for Howard's demise was dense, and the Torg can ultimately blame himself for being out of work. If one could tolerate watching the 2011 Buckeyes despite how bad they were every Saturday, one can easily tolerate watching Gameday with Howard saying stupid things with the same frequency.

Besides, there's no guarantee that Howard's replacement would be any better, though Gameday does have a history with upgrades. Herbstreit wasn't always Gameday's golden boy. He actually replaced Craig James.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

St. Germaine elderflower liqueur is a prominent wingman in mixology circles. It is the John Stockton of drink recipes, hogging the spotlight for its expert assist-fu. It also comes in handy during clutch time, i.e. when you're pouring beverages for two.

Yes, we all know that bourbon can create its own shot. It makes plays in space, looks good in any uniform and is a grown man, son. That said, St. Germaine expertly feeds the inbound pass in this week's bourbon cocktail, which shares a name with your favorite promiscuous Golden Girl.

The Devereaux takes the middle-tier working class bourbon of your choosing (Bulleit, Elijah Craig, Basil Hayden's - you know, those lunchpail guys) and transforms it and potentially you into a leading scorer. Start with a 2:1 ratio of bourbon to elderflower in a shaker or glass. 

Gloria Ferrer is the Bulleit of sparkling wines; there is no better value in its class. Pop the cork and pour two to three times the amount of bubbly to the bourbon/elderflower into the glass. Now add simple syrup, or don't - the elderflower is decently sweet already.

Squeeze a lemon and pour the entire mixture into two glasses half-filled with ice cubes. Toss in a couple of mint leaves as pictured. Enjoy your Devereaxeses.

The sparkling wine feeds the St. Germaine, which assists the bourbon that creates the Devereax. Your visitor will appreciate the role players you've introduced to her palate, and it's more than likely she'll thank you for being a friend.

THE PLAY-OFF

Somewhere on the Internet there exists a hilarious video of a bartender making a Devereaux instructing the viewer how to do so in what could best be described as a Yat dialect accented by 50 years of chain smoking.

I tried to find this video for you and embed it within this week's Situational Bourbon instructions but alas, I failed to locate it. Instead, thanks to using "Devereaux" in the keyword search, I found this:

Whether you're a GILF enthusiast or you prefer your meat a little less aged, there is nothing negative that can be said about The Golden Girls television program. It enjoyed a ratings run that rivaled that of Florida State's during peak of the Bowden years.

The show did remarkably well across all demographics, proving that funny old ladies have multi-generational appeal. The writing and character development for the show were both so good that television executives were intimidated from attempting to create a copycat during the show's run.

Hollywood finally got brave seven years after the run ended when it green-lighted Sex and the City which was basically the same show set in Manhattan, but with the outrageous gay character that was written out of the Golden Girls' pilot appearing in every SATC episode as multiple outrageous gay characters. Like its inspiration, SATC also performed quite well across all of the demos.

See you next week, when Urban is one Saturday closer to creating a copycat of the mess he left in Florida.

38 Comments

Comments

BTwrestle04's picture

That first article is pretty humorous.

toad1204's picture

Something told me this weeks cover picture wasnt going to be nearly as good as last weeks.  Close... but no cigar.

Nothing like dancing on the field in 02... 

buckeyeEddie27's picture

"Hollywood finally got brave seven years after the run ended when it green-lighted Sex and the City which was basically the same show set in Manhattan"
LMFAO

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

Johnny Ginter's picture

buchanan was an absolute scumbag and was pretty much the proverbial nero playing the fiddle while rome burned to the ground. screw that guy

bodast67's picture

Game day has been awful for years. I turn the game on 1 minute before kickoff !

 

 

 

     " I hope when I die, I die laughing"...                

Maestro's picture

Samesies.  Used to be a Saturday morning tradition.  Can't say I have seen a minute of it this season.

vacuuming sucks

Denny's picture

Saint Joe Germaine Elderflower Licqueur

Taquitos.

BucksfanXC's picture

The patron saint of victories over the (Sun) Devil(s)

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

bigbill992001's picture

I'll never forget the Snake laughing on the sidelines after the Devils scored.    He was probably mentally reading the next day's headlines about how great he was.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

I believe he Plummer had a rose clutched between his teeth as well.  Forgot to play a little defense there - D'OH

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

nickma71's picture

Howard knows soccer sucks, so there is that. And he isn't Herbstreit who often it seems doesn't realize the SEC is a trench war. As it should be.

gwalther's picture

Herbie the Impaler article is legit.

Class of 2008

Maestro's picture

Chaz Fupa, I may have to borrow that one.  Ha !!!!

vacuuming sucks

zisbal's picture

I love it when Desmond howard wears a tie......I can tie a smaller knot in a bedsheet.

danavh4's picture

His suits are retarded!

Poison nuts's picture

There's a good reason for that..

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

tennbuckeye19's picture

James Buchanan was one handsome woman.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Hard to believe someone from Pennsylvania could be just so awful...
Oh wait, no it isn't.

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would more obvious.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

I haven't been out to the public forums for a bit so I'm missing what all of the butt hurt gator fans are saying... let's see, Urban really won with Zuck's talent, his recruits weren't all that good, and left the cupboard bare.  I'm guessing they'll be saying that Muschcamp is just that great of a coach who is making due with Urban's shitty players until he can get his own in

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

causeicouldntgo43's picture

The Gator Nation narrative about Urban leaving things in flames......is pretty much in flames. Charlie the Tuna Weis is more of a con man that Bernie Madoff....will any other college fall for his bullshit ever again????? If Muschamp is so great.....why did he hire him in the first place?
Spot on about the Golden Girls - they were way ahead of the girlfriend BFF curve and that trash known as Sex & The City, better looking too (at least to my grandpa).

Northbrook's picture

Wish I had bros who employed such BudLightery.

BUCKfutter's picture

i still watch gameday, but just to see who desmond will accuse of drinking "beaver juice" next

the kids are playing their tail off, and the coaches are screwing it up! - JLS

larzdapunk's picture

FEATHERED PHALLUS = win.

Buckeyelight's picture

glad im on eleven warriors..FINALLY..sup guys !_!

I believe in one thing only, the power of human will. Go bucks.
Woody hayes

danavh4's picture

Welcome!  It's Buckeye pride up in here!
 

Evansvillebuckeye's picture

Surely there's a position at 11warriors for Torg? Either that or just give the man a medal....

onetwentyeight's picture

What happened to DJ? Why the Warren G. hate??! What happened to this site? Who am I?! #CityofKings  

theDuke's picture

Well you know, Craig James once... 

theDuke

danavh4's picture

Craig James is a toolbag.  Mike Leach is a great coach and will turn WSU around quickly!

Boxley's picture

Lilked Herbie a lot. But when you use your position in a petty manner to harm others... so much for Buckeye pride in his behavior. Seems to give credence to all of the "Fake Buckeye" talk others have stated regarding him.
Too bad.
Now regarding bourbon............
 

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

MAVBuck's picture

4 years wrapped up in 1/2 dozen paragraphs. Well done Ramzy. Well done!

causeicouldntgo43's picture

Only thing those two dudes with the SEC superhero suits are missing.............. is jorts.

RBuck's picture

I hearby award Ramzy The Rollover of the Year Award for The Devereaux pic.

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

(psst - the photo in that section has the same rollover every week) (hooray, bourbon cocktails) (thatsthejoke.jpg)

osubuckeye4life's picture

Great article Ramzy, you have such a way with words.
Craig James killed five hookers while at SMU.
 

buckeyepastor's picture

Great as always, Ramzy.  And thank you for supporting my long-held belief that "Sex and the City" is basically a pre-quel to "The Golden Girls"  

"Woody would have wanted it that way"