The Situational: Week 10

By Ramzy Nasrallah on November 1, 2012 at 4:00p
54 Comments

An hour before the Oversigning Bowl kicks off in Baton Rouge another game of significant postseason consequence will get underway in Los Angeles.

QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACKOregon will see your Song Girls and raise you its Ambassadors

Oregon is currently trending toward the BCS title game, with Rich Rodriguez's beautiful stuffed head as its best kill of the season. Saturday it gets USC (whom Rod just dispatched) as part of a schedule more backloaded than any other in the FBS.

If the Ducks are able to win in LA, they'll get a bit of a breather next weekend at Berkeley before hosting Stanford and finishing at home in the Civil War. Then, if they've played their cards right, the conference title game.

Four of those five opponents are highly-ranked. The odd one out – Cal – has shown flashes that were never more sparkly than when Ohio State was at its badtacklingest back in week three. If Oregon survives that gauntlet, they should be an uncontroversial invitee to the title game.

My team? My team isn't getting invited to any holiday parties. However, that little downer doesn't mean we still can't get a little Situational.

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

Three of our leaders have had Illinois designated as their home states: One of them is on next Tuesday's election ballot, one of them worked his name into Illinois' nickname, and the other is on the $50 bill.

But Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, not Illinois. Abraham Lincoln was born in Kentucky. Ulysses S. Grant was born in Clermont County just east of Cincinnati. None of these Ill n' Noisy 'uns were born in the Land of Lincoln, not even Lincoln himself.

No, only one POTUS was actually born there: The Gipper.

Baseball, apple pie, Chevrolet & #MACtionTHAT'S how you win Ohio, candidates: Lovin' on some BG.

Ronald Reagan was born in Tampico, a town that had barely 600 people. He grew up in nearby Dixon, which was a relative metropolis at nearly 20 times the size.

After graduating from high school there he attended Eureka College a few miles away, and upon completing his degree Reagan and his awesome, soothing voice moved west where he became the voice of the Iowa Hawkeyes.

His work there led to the same job with the Chicago Cubs, though unconventionally: He did his play-by-play off telegraph transcripts of games in progress.

While traveling with the team on a roadie through California, Reagan took in an audition and ended up with a Warner Bros contract that gave him steady acting work which he parlayed into mainstream popularity.

He served domestically in the Army Reserves during WWII concurrently while serving as president of the Screen Actors Guild, a post he used to deliver information on suspected Hollywood communists to the FBI as he ventured from film into the new, wacky world of "television."

Reagan was eventually was hired as the host of General Electric Theater and about a decade later in 1967, the son of Tampico became the governor of California. Reagan survived a recall there and a failed presidential bid prior to winning the presidency in 1980.

And, as you can see to the right, Reagan loved him some #MACtion, which makes him a man of the people in perpetuity.

THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE OVERSIGNING BOWL, DEAD CAT, TOXIC WALRUS, ASPHYXIATED BEELZEBUB, FIVE DEAD HOOKERS

THE OVERSIGNING BOWL: LSU TIGERS (+8) against Alabama, but Alabama is really good at capitalizing on undeserved second chances so it's all good.

THE DEAD CAT: KENTUCKY WILDCATS  (+9) against Vanderbilt, and STORM THE FIE-never mind it's basketball season – they can stop pretending!

THE TOXIC WALRUS: BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES (+4) over Wake Forest. At 2-6 BC hasn't been this bad in over 30 years. Geez, what did they do to themselves in the offseason?

THE ASPHYXIATED BEELZEBUB: DUKE BLUE DEVILS (+15) against Clemson since Duke football is as adorable as Duke basketball is losing to Lehigh in the NCAA tournament.

THE  FIVE DEAD HOOKERS: SMU MUSTANGS (+10) against UCF, because screw UCF for appealing and tabling its bowl ban despite having one of the most damning rap sheets in NCAA COI history.

LAST WEEK: 2-3  | SEASON: 20-25

THE NOWLEDGE

Approximately 4% of all Twitter traffic is news. About the same amount is spam (and – this is going to suck – you're not being followed by a slew of obscure porn stars. They're not real, man.)

Then you've got the 6% of tweets that are self-promotion, 9% characterized as "pass-along value" (or motivational messages as Charles Waugh called them #buckeyebrothers) and the 38% which are conversations between two or more Twitter users.

That remaining 36% is categorized as "pointless babble" which encapsulates arbitrary song lyrics, SPARTY NO tweets on Saturdays, bungled thoughts from most politicians and college athletes and tweets about HOW TIRED PEOPLE ARE.

Twitter is many things, but perhaps most of all it's a glimpse into just how sleepy we are as a planet. This week's Nowledge is a public sampling of tired tweets, followed by amateur diagnosis and a pseudo-existential suggestion for how to address the condition.

DIAGNOSIS: Zach, two days' worth of sleep is unhealthy. It can lead to bed sores, bed-wetting and worst of all – for the endlessly vain, Za☪h ♡ – bedhead. 

SUGGESTION: Exercise more. You're probably overweight. Don't panic – everyone is.

DIAGNOSIS: Hayden, that's like saying all I do is smoke marijuana and I'm still always high. Sleeping doesn't energize you. It merely reindexes the deep thoughts in your brain into open spaces for peak optimization. 

SUGGESTION: A doctor once told me this joke: A 103-year old man comes into the doctor's office. He says, "doc, help me, I can't pee." The doctor says, "how old are you, sir?" The guy says, "I'm 103 years old." The doctor says, "well then. You've peed enough." I can't remember what the original point was, Hayden, but maybe it's time to find a hobby. 

DIAGNOSIS: You're either hallucinating or your bed is absolutely terrifying. 

SUGGESTION: Get a new bed. It's not the boss of you, even if you are so tired. You're the boss of you.

DIAGNOSIS: You're figuratively creating the etymological version of global warming with your unnecessary word emissions.

SUGGESTION: Literally find a bed and literally lay down in it. Then literally close your eyes and literally see where it goes from there.

DIAGNOSIS: That's like being too hungry to eat or too thirsty to drink. I think you're lying, Ritawhora.

SUGGESTION: You're going to die. HAHAHA just kidding, we all are. It's not just you.

DIAGNOSIS: You've described the typical day for every single semi-ambitious person in the history of mankind. You have the potential to be great. 

SUGGESTION: Go to sleep. Try again tomorrow. If you see Hayden tell her to get her act together – she should be more like you.

DIAGNOSIS: That means that bed is like Hell when you're awake, and everyone knows that just isn't true. Bed is awesome in all cognitive states. Similes just aren't your thing.

SUGGESTION: If you're following a righteous path with designs on a favorable afterlife, you're going to be sorely disappointed if it just turns out to be a bed. You'll regret not raising more hell when you were alive.

DIAGNOSIS: Miranda, you seem to have challenges recognizing sentence fragments, despite having a strong grasp on punctuation and capitalization. Perhaps a nap would be helpful.

SUGGESTION: Sleep more. Talk about it less.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Panty melter. You're welcome.Flim Flam | Bim Bam | OLE MISS BY DAMN

Earlier this week the latest ESPN 30 for 30 documentary Ghosts of Ole Miss debuted. If you missed it, you should definitely watch it – you should know by now that those 30 for 30 films are easily the best thing ESPN currently does.

I reviewed it as part of a larger companion piece yesterday. Feel free to catch up on that too, and consider this week's Situational Bourbon a second companion, but one you can consume with your whole face instead of just your eyes. 

The Ole Miss school chant is called Hotty Toddy. It (almost) shares the same name of one of the better warm bourbon cocktails you can make for yourself. Conventional Hot Toddy recipes call for bourbon, hot water, lemon, honey and the teabag of your choosing. 

Here's a better one that I built following several winters' worth of groundbreaking and important bourbon research: The Double-Inverted Modified Hot Toddy XL™ (consultants charge millions to create naming conventions like that – did it all by myself FOR FREE).

Make half of a traveler mug's worth of tea. Now pour in a couple shots of Woodford Reserve, which is a terrific warm cocktail bourbon. Add a single shot of Captain Morgan or the other pretentious spiced rum that you prefer instead.

If you've done this correctly you should have room to fill up the rest of the mug with heavy whipping cream. Three shakes of cinnamon and five shakes of nutmeg later, you're now ready to take your traveler for a walk. Southern chant optional and sold separately.

THE PLAY-OFF

FACT: The montage scene set to music was required of all films shot between 1980-1989. There was no rhyme or reason to this mandate, but it was followed explicitly by all working directors and producers of the decade and it makes that work of that era easily recognizable.

One of the most better montages was delivered in The Karate Kid in 1984. What separated it from the conventional 80s interlude was how it not only captured several major plot points of the movie, but how it foreshadowed Daniel LaRusso's success in the All Valley Karate Tournament:

SPOILER: It turned out that he was, indeed, the best – despite the horde of Cobra Kai bullies that unfairly seemed to line his entire bracket, kind of like Ohio State's in the 2011 NCAA Tournament draw (thanks again, Gene). 

That manly man you hear singing 80s anthem You're the Best is Joe Esposito, who has three Grammy nominations to his credit. While Daniel is kicking and chopping his way to surviving and advancing in a tournament nobody bothered to educate him on beforehand – too busy at Miyagi's painting fences, sanding floors, etc – Esposito is cheering him on in the only way the 80s knew how: OPPA MONTAGE STYLE.

Esposito also is the original supplier to the vocals of Flashdance...What a Feeling but at the last second that song was re-recorded with Irene Cara doing all of the singing, since it made more sense to come from a woman's perspective. If you've seen the movie you realize how logical this decision was.

See you next week, when Ohio State has 10 wins, no losses and a merciful Saturday off to heal its undefeated bones.

54 Comments

Comments

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

that is....one magnificent group of ladies

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

and that drink sounds effin delicious. I'll get back to you on the results

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

M Man's picture

Tweeting "SPARTY NO" on Saturdays is "pointless babble"? 
I used to think you were quite brilliant, Ramzy.  Now I question your entire value system.

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Upvoted for actually thinking I have a value system.

buckeyeEddie27's picture

New Rule: Ramzy must keep up trend of eye catching (to put it mildly) photos at the top of his weekly Situationals.
The always magnificent content that follows is a delightful treat for those who choose to venture below the first screenful. 

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

Menexenus's picture

Wouldn't that make him Pat Forde?

Real fans stay for Carmen.

cinserious's picture

I took a 5 min detour through google images in search of 'oregon cheerleaders'. Quite satisfying results..... then read Ramzy's article.

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"

TennesseeJohn's picture

Your insight into sleeping and all sleep-related issues is astounding. Ever considered being a sleepologist? No?

Bucks43201's picture

Wow --- this is one great Situational. From start to finish, and it's capped off with that hot 80s track "You're The Best Around" from Karate Kid. Awesomeness.

"You win with people." - Woody Hayes

hodge's picture

Now that seems like a solid gameday cocktail!  Might have to make me one of those in the future; though I wonder, does the whipped cream really jive with the tea?  Seems like an odd mix, though a Darjeeling or Earl Grey might work.
I'm thinking about trying one with a peaty Scotch Whisky (if I can ever get my hands on some Islay Mist or Black Bottle...else I'll have to delve into my Laphroaig), Lapsang Suchong tea (smoked over pine fire), a dash of spiced rum (thanks for the inspiration, by the way) and some butter for texture.  Call it Hot Buttered Scotch Toddy of Doom (or HBSToD, because acronyms are cool).
Granted, my preferred heated elixir is black coffee and bourbon...I call it breakfast.

Alice in Aggieland's picture

I don't think you're supposed to actually whip the whipping cream, just pour it in; in which case it's basically a traditional English cuppa with an extra-special kick. (I'd go with Irish Breakfast Tea - stronger than the English version and without the funky bergemoty flavor of Earl Grey.) 
Man, I miss cold gamedays (and warm gameday beverages). It's still 90 degrees in Aggieland, and I hate it.

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Correct. Heavy, real cream. Not half-and-half, skim milk or that coffeemate bullshit. Cream. From cows.

Et_Tu_OSU's picture

Along that line, the "five shakes of nutmeg" made me sad, Ramzy.  Ground nutmeg (the crap you're shaking into your lovely beverage) has all the flavor of dust that settled on real nutmeg then got stuck in a bottle.  Get yourself some whole nutmeg and a microplane, dude, and prepare yourself for some mind-blowing taste that will make you wonder why it's even legal to call that crap in the bottle nutmeg...
...and once you've discovered why nutmeg is the spice that launched a thousand ships, let me know if you need a righteous egg nog recipe (you'll never buy it in a carton again), it's not even hard to make...

"The revolution will be televised."

hodge's picture

+1 for the microplaned nutmeg, an I'm all ears for that 'nog recipe, if you're willing to share. 

Et_Tu_OSU's picture

I'm pretty sure I have it in soft copy on my work computer, I'll try to post it after I get home tomorrow night (can't post at work, unfortunately).
Edit: I totally fail - was slammed at work and dropped the ball.  I'll try again Monday...

"The revolution will be televised."

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Shameful. And I've even been to the spice islands & consumed many painkillers with fresh nutmeg. Alas, my head wasn't in St. John - it was in NJ where my spices at home are store-bought and in a rack.

hodge's picture

Ahh, now I see. I suck. 

toad1204's picture

Nake sake XL drink = scUM weekend material.  Its cold out I'm still in turkey coma, woodford and a little caffine tea, wham I'm ready to storm the field and stand on the goal post (again).  Gracias for another great Situational Ramzy. 

Nothing like dancing on the field in 02... 

Bucksfan's picture

GET HIM A BODY BAG!!! YEAH!!!!

Bucks43201's picture

Sweep the legs!

"You win with people." - Woody Hayes

Sgt. Elias's picture

"Okay -- I've got an El Camino full of rampage here." 

Denny's picture

Have a feeling that Ramzy built this whole column as a mechanism by which he could write 'teabag' and try to slip it past the unsuspecting masses.

Taquitos.

Kalamazoo Steve's picture

Who had the balls to down vote this? (See what I did there?)

Denny's picture

Probably one of the Teabag Conspirators. They're nervous that I'm onto them.
I see you, Deep Throat.

Taquitos.

sharkvsghost's picture

I had the good fortune to sit a few rows behind the Ambassadors at a UW-Oregon game in Seattle in 2009. It did not suck.

swing hard in case you hit it.

Unky Buck's picture

I nearly peed myself laughing at the Nowledge section. Twitter is a funny place.

...

Northbrook's picture

Further on they turned their steeds and rode out to sea. And they are riding still.

jestertcf's picture

you're using coconuts!!

~Because we couldn't go for three~

Northbrook's picture

They rode until somebody tweeted they looked tired whereupon they sank. Tweets have consequences.

input4u's picture

Norfolk n way !!!!
We just can't esacpe it OPPA....
 

Tim's picture

To the Oregon Ambassadors- Yeah, girl(s)!
Also, I'm figuratively exhausted, so I'm going to go sleep.

buckeye76BHop's picture

Yeah...sure...we know why you're going to sleep.  Richard...what were you doing?

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."
Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

741's picture

I'm still crushing on Elizabeth Shue.

buckeye76BHop's picture

I couldn't stop that video under the pic... (love how they have a video gallery too;-)  Some seriously cute girls on those squads.  Nice start to your article Ramzy...great indeed.  
 

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."
Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

thatlillefty's picture

Great Situational.
1. My God, those girls are babes and I can't wait for the USC-Oregon game. Don't see any team in the B1G beating either of those 2 in January if given the opportunity.
2. Where are you citing these Twitter stats? Not doubting, just curious. Twitter is definitely entertaining.
3. I'm making that hot toddy this weekend! 4. Sweep the leg FTW!!!

M Man's picture

That's just the video.  For public consumption.  On the official Oregon Ducks website.
Just imagine, what it must be like, to be a five-star cornerback with offers from USC, Alabama, Ohio State and Michigan.  And they invite you for an official visit to Oregon.

hodge's picture

Portland has the highest per-capita density of strip clubs in the country, and more microbreweries than churches...
is it bad I find the latter much more exciting?

Alhan's picture

No.  You're allowed to sample the goods at microbreweries.  Not so much at the former. (not that you would want to)

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

Poison nuts's picture

Reading this was like heaven...now - I'm tired.

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

German Buckeye's picture

How many times did I laugh out loud reading this.  My tummy hurts.  Do you ever get tired of us telling you how much we love your writing and don't ever leave us, etc, etc, etc...

Kalamazoo Steve's picture

Hot girls & knowledge rolled into one post. I'm confused.

Maestro's picture

I literally. Read this entire. Story from. Start. To. Finish.

vacuuming sucks

brylee's picture

Ramzy....you are a funny guy!  literally. now. i'm. going. to. Bed!

el duderino's picture

Once upon a time in undergrad, I rarely had Friday classes, and Thursdays were time of general merriment, marking the start of the weekend. Alas, a real job that requires my presence before noon on Friday has stolen some of the luster of Thursday.
But, the situational has given me a new reason to look forward to Thursdays. And for that, I thank you, Ramzy.
Also, the twitter section was pure genius.

"This is a very complicated case: a lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what-have-yous."

awwwwwwop's picture

God the Nowledge was hilarious. I literally died of laughter.

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

What the Fickell's picture

Let me just suggest to all those tweeters - buy a Tempurpedic! (I sell them)
 

Brady Hoke wears scarlet undies.

cinserious's picture

If I'm a h.s. recruit, I'm definitely taking the Oregon visit based on the hotties in that picture.

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"

Mi.Buckeye's picture

Good thing these girls don't help out with recruiting, they would probably pursuade me to commit to Oregon.

causeicouldntgo43's picture

With Elizabeth Shue cheering you on......how can you not be motivated? She's still got it too...

Earle's picture

Upvotes to you and 741 for Elizabeth Shue.  Man, did I have it for her back then...

Italics are for emphasis; an ellipsis represents an unfinished thought.

BucksfanXC's picture

I'll just leave this here:
http://uncrate.com/stuff/whisky-advent-calendar/
Happy Holidays!

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Alhan's picture

Awesome Ramzy fan-service is awesome.
"You're The Best Around" is the epitome of 80s montage music for me.  Did the training montage start with Rocky in 1976?

You can kill a fly with your slipper or a cannon. Either way, the fly dies. -Ramzy

osubuckeye4life's picture

Oregon AbASSadors vs USC song girls = Too close to call
Regan = Gipper
Wagers = Creative names
Nowledge = lulz
Bourbon = tasty
Playoff = Montage FTW! I still say that a UFC fighter should use Joe Esposito "You're the Best" for their walk out music! I nearly had Joe Lauzon on Twitter talked into it or maybe it was the booze?!?
Bravo Ramzy!