Pondered retiring "Get Dumped Then" after last year's Fiesta Bowl debacle. But then I looked at GDT's 35-3 record that includes a sterling 3-0 mark against that bum syndicate up north.
Professional gamblers would slit a man's throat for returns like that.
So here I stand on the precipice of another season with FourLoko Gold surging through my veins like a raging bull with its balls tied like a clown balloon. And who do I see on tap? Indiana!
Folks, the Hoosiers are about to get their feelings hurt.
Indiana is a small, insignificant state that bills itself as "the Crossroads of America" because, much like a slattern in a medieval tavern, they know their calling in life is letting humanity trample them while en route to greener pastures.
The biggest cultural contribution that state gave us is interstate fast food, which is a minor miracle considering highway construction has baffled them for the last 50 years.
Consider Ohio State flew to Bloomington, and that Buckeye fans will need to take a detour due to major road construction between Martinsville and Bloomington.
Here is your alternate route, blessed invaders:
- I-65 South to Columbus, Indiana
- 46 to Nashville and Bloomington.
Deep down, these amateurs know the drill. That's why they're paying more to drink booze in a parking lot rather than watch their false flag local team get brained:
LOL. Indiana and their Mickey Mouse stadium (52K? An outbreak of the plague wouldn't stop Ohio Stadium from posting that number) don't want it. THEY DON'T WANT IT.
Here are some games to watch while Ohio State is on commercial break, if you're into that:
|7:00||BUFFALO at MINNESOTA||MINN (-24½)||BTN|
|7:30||TULSA at No. 10 OKLAHOMA STATE||OSU (-18½)||FS1|
|10:30||NEW MEXICO STATE at ARIZONA STATE||ASU (-22½)||PAC12|
Word of the Day: Drub.
THE 11W DRIP. Here are some stories this week from the 11W gang for further game day reading:
- Q&A with Zach Osterman of The Indianapolis Star.
- Who is Ohio State's alpha receiver? The answer shouldn't surprise you.
- The Buckeyes watched Indiana and Tennessee film to prepare for Hoosiers' new offense.
- J.T. Barrett prepared for Indiana's 4-2-5 defense.
- Branden Bowen impressed coaches and teammates while claiming right guard spot.
- Indiana native Terry McLaurin excited for second chance to play under Kevin Wilson.
- Hoosiers scouting report.
- 10 reasons to hate Indiana.
- Depth chart.
- Game poster.
- Hype trailer.
INDIANA: NOT AS BAD AS USUAL. Despite the jokes, Indiana fields a roster not as devoid of talent as years past. In fact, some experts say this will be the most talented team the Hoosiers have fielded in years.
They're led by wide receiver Simmie Cobbs.
Here's what you need to know, from Kyle Morgan of theozone.net:
The most important piece to the Indiana offense is the return of Simmie Cobbs following ankle surgery that caused him to miss all of the 2016 season. Cobbs has a large frame and very good strength while providing his QB with a large catch radius. He gains solid separation at release with the use of his hands and has good strength to play through contact without being re-routed.
Has good use of hands to high-point the ball and has solid ability to create yards after catch. Cobbs is a very good blocker downfield and uses his size and strength to stay engaged. Cobbs is utilized primarily outside the numbers and doesn’t threaten the middle of the field.
Look for the Buckeyes to use the ball skills and speed of Denzel Ward versus Cobbs, though Kendall Sheffield’s athleticism is a favorable matchup as well.
Wild but true, there are other names to keep an eye on (click the aforementioned link for the full scouting report):
- QB Richard Lagow
- WR Nick Westbrook
- WLB Tegray Scales
- CB Rashard Fant
- DE Greg Gooch
It's odd Ohio State opens with a Big Ten opponent, but Indiana is actually the perfect opening sparring partner for our beloved local team.
DON'T SLEEP ON THEIR DEFENSE, EITHER. Indiana is not known for their defense. But they underwent a reformation last year, led by defensive coordinator Tom Allen, who is now the head coach.
Ohio State knows well why Indiana improved from No. 126 in pass defense in 2015 to No. 53 a year ago, finishing ninth in the nation in passes defensed (77) and 11th in completion percentage allowed (52.5).
Quarterback J.T. Barrett completed only 9 of 21 passes for 93 yards in last season’s 38-17 win over the Hoosiers. The Buckeyes won with 290 yards rushing, led by Barrett’s 137 on a career-high 26 carries.
Allen, serving as his own defensive coordinator this season, changed the Hoosiers’ fortunes by installing a funky 4-2-5 scheme and altering the defense’s mindset.
“First of all, we made such a huge issue of taking the ball away,” said Allen, who came from South Florida. Allen made himself and his players do 25 pushups if they say the word “turnover” because the term “takeaway” is more aggressive.
Should make for a great measuring stick for offensive improvement. Obviously there will be first game hijinks, but if Barrett goes 9-21 again, it will be a cause for concern. (I am not concerned about Barrett going 9-21.)
GET AHEAD OF THE GAME. Construction on Cannon Road will eliminate 2,100 parking spots during football games this season. Parking is one of the biggest hassles of attending a game.
Allow some industrious Ohio State students to ease that headache for you:
Parking is stressful. We want to help. Platz is a mobile application for buying and selling parking in campus communities, particularly for events like GameDay. Since placing 1st Place at the Ohio State Hackathon, we have refined our app to lessen the burden of parking.
Whether you're a lifelong Buckeye fan or visiting for the first time, Platz lets you reserve spots well before the game. To first time sellers and those with more experience, Platz offers a streamlined marketplace for attracting customers digitally.
With many spots closing due to construction (OSU's favorite past time), Platz provides an efficient and affordable solution. Check us out on our website (joinplatz.com) or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Download now on Android and iPhone - Go Bucks!
And no, they did not pay me for this. I just support any OSU student with entrepreneurial spirit in their heart.
Plus, I think this idea is ingenious.
This is the only Pick 'Em I endorse. I will ship the winner one (1) FourLoko of their choice.
#PERTINENTGOT. Poor Bloomington. They're trying to evacuate everyone, but it won't be enough to escape the undead barbarian horde coming for their simple outpost in the sticks.
A preview of tonight's game:
THOSE WMDs. Give the French Army the credit it deserves... In defense of the afternoon beer... Dick jokes, drunk tales, and best friends: How Superbad was made... How kids' sports became a $15 billion industry... The falling man... Nevada plans to execute a man with fentanyl.