MIKE RILEY TUCKS PLAYERS INTO BED AND READS GHOST STORIES, LEAVES NIGHTLIGHT ON

As the Ohio State Buckeyes prepare to face the Nebraska Cornhuskers in Lincoln, Nebraska, the odds are heavily in the Buckeyes’ favor. With a huge advantage in talent, two factors must come into play if Nebraska has any hope of securing an upset at home. First, the home-field advantage. The Cornhuskers have the longest home sellout streak in FBS at 357 consecutive games, and thus Memorial Stadium in Lincoln figures to be rocking when the Buckeyes arrive. Second, coaching.

For this we must consider third year head coach Mike Riley, noted nice guy, stamp collector, and board game enthusiast. Mike Riley granted reporters intimate access this week to show them how he cultivates a culture of trust, good feelings, and family in his players and staff. Each night, Riley takes the time to tuck in all 110 scholarship and walk-on players into their matching bunk beds, and—after seeing to it that they all have their cups of cocoa (made with almond milk in the case of players with lactose intolerance), proceeds to read over a loudspeaker bedtime stories. While he sometimes reads the adventures of Curious George or chapters from the Harry Potter series, according to Coach Riley, the players prefer ghost stories. When he’s finished with the story, he’ll leave the nightlight on and wish his players a pleasant sleep.

Whether the close bond between Riley and his players will be of any use against the talent disparity between them and the Buckeyes is impossible to say, but one thing that’s certain is that Mike Riley seems like the father you always had and never appreciated.

CRIS CARTER RELEASES NINE STEP GUIDE TO ‘BAPPING.’

Former Ohio State receiver and current sports pundit Cris Carter has doubled down on his earlier erroneous identification of the dabbing fad as “bapping” by releasing a nine-step guide to performing what he calls a “millennial greeting signifying empathy and respect.” In fall of 2015, during the height of the dabbing dance craze, Carter infamously referred to the dance as “bapping” (see video above). Despite facing ridicule, Carter apparently never disabused himself of this belief.

Now he has released a nine-step guide, which we are reproducing below:

1: Raise arm so that arm is perpendicular to face, elbow should be at near a 90 degree angle

2: Forcefully thrust face into inner elbow five times

3: Make a little ‘C’ with your other arm

4: Drop pants and underwear (must be nude from waist down for next steps)

5: Execute a 90 degree full-body pivot with face still in elbow

6: Lift right foot from ground

7: Lift left foot from ground while keeping right foot lifted

8: Proceed to levitate for several seconds

9: Yell “that’s the shit I like” at top of lungs

USMNT COACH ARENA ‘CALLED HARBAUGH’ BEFORE TRINIDAD GAME

In a typically abrasive and unapologetic interview where he refused to accept that he was primarily at fault for his team’s recent qualifying defeat at Trinidad and Tobago, former current US Men’s National Team coach Bruce Arena admitted that he called Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh before the game to “pick his brain” (thankfully not his nose) with regards to game management strategies. Harbaugh himself has since corroborated that the conversation took place. While a full transcript doesn’t exist, both coaches have confirmed a number of details:

-When Arena asked Harbaugh how to set up his team, Harbaugh advised him to pick an attacking formation but to instruct his players to “play for a draw,” or even to “play for a close loss,” as this would “confuse and dishearten the opposition,” much like not releasing an official depth chart before a game.

-Harbaugh advised Arena to make his players run for several miles before the game to “burn away nervous energy”

-Harbaugh advised Arena to pretend like the game clock doesn’t exist, and instruct the players to do the same

-Harbaugh advised Arena to instruct star player Christian Pulisic to “not do anything too flashy” in the first half, so as not to “give the playbook away”

-Harbaugh instructed Arena to set up his players to concede a goal early, to lure Trinidad into a false sense of security

At the end of the interview, Arena heaped praise on Harbaugh, calling him a “real Alpha-type guy,” and a role model for “doing just enough to keep your job”