Eleven Warriors

I own a construction company here in Columbus and yesterday I was picking up some things at Lowe's on Silver Drive near Columbus Crew Stadium.  As I was checking out, a man briskly walked by the register and towards the exit with a bag in his hand and was stopped by one of the clerks.  The guy obviously wasn't trying to steal anything but rather had brought some stuff into the store with him to see if what they had in the store fit or worked with what he already had.....like I've done a thousand times before.  The man politely obliged when the clerk asked to check the bag before he continued on his way.  

However, I didn't put all of this together until after the fact because I was way too busy trying not to be star struck as the man in question was none other than Ryan Damn Shazier!!!!  When I realized who it was I immediately pushed the paper feed button on the register printer and grabbed the pen from the cashier and slowly approached the poor guy who had just been cleared to leave by the mighty Lowes theft control officer.  

As he turned to leave I was standing there like a total weirdo with a pen and a piece of receipt paper.  He looked perplexed as he glanced at me and then my paper and pen, and said "what?....Oh!" and he chucked as I asked "Can you spare a second for a fan?"  As he was signing his autograph on my crappy receipt paper I turned to the clerks and asked "Do you know who this is?  This is freakin' Ryan Shazier!.....Linebacker for the Buckeyes?"  They all looked at me like a bunch of morons and said in unison "Ooooohhhh."  

Ryan handed me back my receipt paper and kind of smiled about the situation and I thanked him for the autograph and wished him the best of luck for the upcoming season and he went on his way.  Let me tell you, when you shake his hand you definitely get the feeling that this is not a man you want running you down and crushing you.  

It wasn't until after I had finished checking out and loaded up my materials that I realized why he had been stopped and what was going on.  Kind of a funny situation but I was so dead set on getting that autograph because I had recently chickened out on getting Kenny Guiton's autograph in the parking lot of AMC Lennox.  Kenny and his (I assume) girlfriend were recently walking into the theater as I was walking out.  Because it was dark out I didn't recognize him right away, but I was definitely staring at him and he gave me the "What are you looking at" look.  By the time I realized who it was I thought it would be extremely awkward to run up to him in a dark parking lot and ask for his Herbie Hancock.  I could have at least yelled "Go Bucks!" across the parking lot or something goofy like that.  

Any of you guys ever chicken out getting an autograph?

In a week that saw the bombing of the Boston Marathon.. its subsequent manhunt that put Boston under martial law... a dilapidated fertilizer plant blowing up in West, Texas that killed at least 35 people... an earthquake in China that caused 200 deaths and over 8,000 injuries... a bomb in a popular Baghdad coffee shop that killed at least 27 people... a quadruple murder in Akron that still lacks motive or suspect... the continued American use of extrajudicial international killings via flying kill-machines...  and a plane crash that killed an Air Force Major General... I have found my palette for sports entertainment suddenly lacking.

Granted, this is a trajectory I have been as my body rots with increasing age, but last week was kind of a smack in the face for Americans who do a rather remarkable job insulating themselves from world news and the plight of their fellow human beings. (LOL if you think I don't include myself in that last sentence.)

This is why I have come to detest the camera-whoring antics of the likes of Buck-I-Guy or whatever ridiculous moniker some grown-ass man has taken before caking himself in levels of makeup that would make a prostitute blush and heading down to the Horseshoe. Have people like that ever removed themselves from the bubble of adolescence required to make their behavior acceptable?

How privileged and unbecoming am I, the guy who feels real emotions over a team of millionaire strangers kicking or passing a ball about a field? What the hell would I be able to say to somebody who lost their legs in the bombing of the Boston Marathon? Or worse yet, somebody who lost their legs in the woebegone effort in Afghanistan?

Somebody will read this, hop off their leather recliner, (spilling the latest powder-infused Frito Lay chip all over their grease-stained sports shirt), and guffaw something like, "BUT THIS IS WHAT THE TERRORISTS WANT, TO TAKE MY FREEDOM AWAY!!!11" In this scenario, I'd point out that ONE nineteen year-old stoner on the lamb was able to put a major American city under martial law, but I feel my point would be lost on my astute, fictionalized, chip-mongering critic.

I don't understand the notion of "healing through sport," as if my running a marathon is supposed to bring back the dead or ease the daily horrors that plague this world. To me, continuing to find the same utility in sports would be akin to sticking my head in a vat of sand. There is nothing special about sports, it's just another pointless activity used by humans to kill time as we hurdle through space on a galactic pebble. Sports has the same healing power as knitting or conventional baking.

Will I continue to watch and try to enjoy sports? Yes, because like all human beings, I am a creature bequeathed of deep flaws rooted in hypocrisy. I don't know any other way.

But I doubt it will ever be like it used to be, and perhaps that's a good thing.

Sunday

Everyone just slept until Monday.

Monday

Fisher went out of business.

And students couldn't believe it was the last week of classes, but would have been angry if it wasn't.

Tuesday

The OSU police inadvertently arrested a real criminal at Kennedy Commons.

Every dorm was evacuated "for the fun of it."

The Ohio Union was evacuated due to a suspicious package; The OSU police didn't bother with an emergency alert since nobody talked about it online.

The suspicious package was reportedly a backpack wearing sunglasses that had a creepy mustache.

And the weird roommate couldn't find their backpack.

Wednesday

OSU student wellness began a "Wrap your suspicious package" awareness campaign.

President Gee explained why no emergency alert was sent to students during the Union evacuation.

Campus roommates were pretty excited about it being the last Wednesday of the school year.

And it was announced that the South Oval would host the 2013 Summer X Games.

Thursday

The forecast called for a beautiful day to have 4 assignments due Friday.

The OSU police busted a COTA/CABS drag racing circuit.

ESPN Sports Science determined Braxton Miller was magic.

A number of Oval Beach bods were not quite ready.

Following the NFL schedule release, campus Browns fans were thinking 12-4.

And campus Bengals fans could just feel Super Bowl this year.

Friday

The Ohio Union Activities Board hosted an impromptu "Flicks for Free" screening of "The Town."

And Jim Tressel (for real) got a twitter account.

Saturday

High Street was renamed 420th Street in a zoning error.

A survey found 89.5% of students spend more time calculating grade scenarios than actually studying.

And seniors were glad that the best 4 years of their lives were finally coming to a close.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and laugh irresponsibly loudly while you read so other people ask what you're reading but then don't tell them.

There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?

  - Robert F. Kennedy

When I look at the Spring Game, this RFK quote is what comes the rum-saturated sponge that masquerades as my mind. (I'm a lot like Robert Kennedy in that we're both privileged white guys, and my naïve worldviews will one day lead to a crazed gunman putting me out of my misery.)

I'm pretty sure the only thing that has come out of Spring Games since the first year of George W. Bush's first Presidential term is low-hanging jokes involving the lack of regular season production from the game's MVP. This year, I didn't even bother watching the annual scrimmage because I'll be damned if I watch football involving Paul Brown Stadium that doesn't involve the almighty Cleveland Browns.

Ohio State fans have interest in the Spring Game in the same way a man would have in the last drop of water in a cantine before wondering into an open desert for the next four months. (Sure, there is the glorious NBA play-offs, but I recognize my opinions on this matter put me in the minority, and unless you're over 65 year-old white guy, please don't pretend baseball is relevant.)

So seeing this, why not spruce up the only hit of football us fiends will have for the next four months?

Coincidentally, I have an original thought to fix this. (NOTE: When I say "original thought", I mean "an idea I cribbed from a tweet by 11W's Michael Citro.") Why not allow soccer-styled "friendlies" between programs, if that's so what they choose?

Would fans have more interest in the Spring Game as currently constructed, or if the Spring Game involved Ohio State and Notre Dame's excuse of a football team?

For all I care, these games could include no kicking-off, fair-catching of all punts, and coaches putting flag football belts on their quarterbacks. Wouldn't coaches rather trot out their prophesied first-team lineups against another high-caliber program rather than another intrasquad scrimmage? Wouldn't a friendly against another program give more of a game-like experience, thus making it better to judge the talent you have on hand?

I realize tinkering with college football, even using typed words on the internet as a tool, will cause some people to throw their hands up in disgust with me, but tell me how an intrasquad scrimmage is better than friendlies against other high-caliber teams? Like nobody here would make the trip to South Bend, Indiana, to enjoy spring weather by guzzling canned beer and talking trash to Irish fans?

Hell, that might even more fun than drinking beer outside on an 86 degree August day with 90% humidity in Columbus before Ohio State rips open the Buffalo Bulls, as they're scheduled to do later this year ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Nick Saban is the typical tinpot dictator who presides over indentured 18-22 year-olds at football programs around America. We saw what happened when he made the moves to the pros, where he didn't enjoy the same competitive advantages he had in the collegiate ranks, and was required to coach fairly-compensated men.

Last October, however, Saban nearly broke the irony meter when he took to the media to whine about the direction of football in the 21st century:

"I think that the way people are going no-huddle right now, that at some point in time, we should look at how fast we allow the game to go in terms of player safety...

... I just think there's got to be some sense of fairness in terms of asking is this what we want football to be?"

Yes, that's Nick Saban, a man who has wrenched and bent nearly every rule of the land in attempts to glean a competitive advantage, unironically appealing to fairness and "player safety." This all came before Johnny Manziel threw for 250 yards, two touchdowns and ran for 90 more yards and another score in Texas A&M's no-huddled victory over Alabama at Bryant-Denny Stadium. I assume the loss at the hands of a redshirt freshman did little to alter Saban's worldviews.

The cool thing about the space-time continuum is that it only goes forward. Eventually, despite whatever Alabamians tell you about the six thousand-year history of Earth, Nick Saban will be nothing but dust in the wind. 

Urban Meyer will be the one to push Nick Saban into his coaching grave, and the first blow against Saban's reign of terror will come this January when the Buckeyes and Crimson Tide meet to decide the 2013 BCS National Title.

Some people claim that it's the SEC which has dominated college football ranks for the better part of the last decade, but really, it's just two coaches: Nick Saban (4) and Urban Meyer (2). Yes, LSU won one because Brian Robiskie dropped an open touchdown pass and Ohio State started a quarterback named "Todd". Eugene T. Chizik won another by riding Cam Newton like he was a prize-winning horse, but Saban and Meyer were the ones who laid the foundation to the SEC's post-millennial trophy case.

Haters and other degenerates will say, "Urban Meyer is nothing without Tim Tebow," and they will do this by ignoring the fact Urban Meyer has been made a winner out of every program that has had the sense to hire him.

Looking ahead to Ohio State's 2013 schedule, I'm having a hard time seeing where anybody is hanging a loss on the Buckeyes; Michigan State is off the schedule, and Penn State and Wisconsin are both at home. Brady Hoke has never won a conference title, so I doubt his pathetic team will be in position to do anything significant on the last Saturday in November.

In other words, the Buckeyes are literally their biggest obstacles to appearing in the 2013 national title game. 

It is my hope that an SEC member will be the opponent, and if I am allowed to get greedy, I hope it is Alabama, the winner of three of the last four BCS titles. Whether it's Cam Newton, Johnny Manziel, or (hopefully!) Braxton Miller, Alabama has persistently struggled to contain mobile quarterbacks... the ones who make the No-Huddle so tough to game-plan for.

Offensive innovation is the future of football. Nick Saban knows it, and that's why he gnashes his teeth at it like an over-the-hill executive does to a younger, hungrier challenger. Time and Change is coming for ol' Nick Saban, and he can feel the ice cracking under his toddler-sized boots.

I love Columbus; it has the greatest reservoir of untapped potential of any metropolis in America. After washing ashore on the muddied banks of the Olentangy in 2008 with only a tortoiseshell cat named "Betsy Ross" and bottle of Lady Bligh in my possession, I have never contemplated leaving the Capital City. Outside of the abomination that is Power 107.5, however, one thing has truly driven me insane about Columbus:

Only 25% of the people who drive cars should be allowed on the open roads.

I don't know if this is a by-product of America's car culture, or yet another wanton failure of our government, but I'm only here to point my bony, pasty finger at the Neanderthals who can only be described in the words of Bill Burr as "In-the-Way People." Seriously, spend a day driving aimlessly around Columbus and you will be left with such questions as: "How do these people operate a blender, let alone a 2,500 lbs. vehicle capable of instantly dealing death to other human beings?"

Most people in Columbus aren't aware of this hidden trick discovered by a stay-at-home mom, so allow me to illuminate: in your car, usually on the left of your steering wheel, is a lever called a "turn signal." Now, as the phrase may suggest, this can be used to signal which way you attend to turn your vehicle. Before you engage in a sudden turn across three lanes of traffic (because you've failed to grasp the numerically named streets originally set up for your convenience), it might be best to hit your turn-signal to save somebody from t-boning you... because chances are you're driving without insurance.

If you're making a left hand-turn, PULL UP INTO THE INTERSECTION. That way, the cars immediately behind you won't have to wait a whole light cycle to make the same turn you just did.

This next one may be too big of a concept for the feeble mind of the average Columbus Driver, but I'm going to roll with it anyway. If you're approaching a red light/stopped traffic, always stop before side-streets. This allows other people to turn on/off that side-street and not congest traffic any further than it already is. Driving is all about give-and-take (another concept lost on Columbus Drivers), and it's the best drivers who defer to others.

On that same vein, if you're at, let's just say a 4-way stop intersection, and somebody waves you on, GO. They have offered you their turn, SO TAKE IT. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, sit there like a clown and wave them on instead. YOU HAVE JUST WASTED EVERYONE'S TIME AND SQUANDERED THE CHARITY.

Speaking of four way intersections, wow. I'm not going to even go there because given the antics I've seen by Columbus Drivers, it'd be like trying to teach calculus to people who still write with crayons. The same goes with the merging, which is something that has probably baffled Columbus drivers since the days of the Model-T. We're too far down our hellacious path to attempt Enlightment now.

The best piece of advice I can offer to Columbus drivers is REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SIX-INCH BUBBLE OF SELF-AWARENESS you have swaddled yourself in and PAY ATTENTION. It might be earth-shattering for most of Columbus' drivers, but there is an entire world outside of the six inches in front of your face. Driving is really not that difficult, as evidenced by the government allowing dipshit 16 year-olds to do it.

This is all without exploring another concept which Columbus drivers fail to grasp: street-parking. In short:

• You're supposed to line your front-bumper up with the meter, not the middle of your car. You should be able to deduce this from simply looking at the placement of the meters, yet here we are.
• You don't need six yards between you and the next car parked on the street. Obnoxious parking like that just screws other people out of precious parking spaces in Central Columbus, which is the purpose of this exercise: to expand your worldview past the six-inches of your gaping, oxygen-sucking maw.
• If you're bad at parallel parking, it's because you want to be. It's not a quirky part of your personality that you get to laugh at with your friends, and you should be stripped of your license immediately because you're a terrible human being.

Columbus is a dragon who is only now being awoken. By 2020, the sky is literally the limit for this great city. Do you want to be a thoughtful, functioning denizen of the Capital City? Or do you want to be another short-sighted, self-absorbed sieve on what we're trying to accomplish?

Believe it or not, your driving goes along way towards answering that question.

I've seen a few partial panic-mode posts the last few days regarding the shape of our 2014 recruiting class, so I thought this blog was worth making.

Here are your reasons why you shouldn't freak out about the 2014 class:
1) It's April 16th (as of midnight), that means there are around 10 more months until National Signing Day
2) OSU went undefeated last season, how many times in your life have you been able to say that?
3) Our coach is Urban Meyer
4) We might miss on Hand and Peppers -- but hey, we didn't have a single player in the Rivals Top 25 last year, and yet we still managed the #2 class overall. Who says you need to have the top few players to have an elite class?
5) This time last year: we had 8 commits.
Right now: we have 7 commits.
16 of our 24 commits from the consensus #2 overall 2013 class came after today's date last year. This year will be a smaller class -- with that in mind, we're actually right on schedule! The season will bring victories, and with those victories recruits; so fear not, Urban always gets his man!*

*Or a reasonable approximation of, or a better version (see Mike Mitchell vs Alex Italian-Name-Guy) of; the point being, even if Urban doesn't get his first target, the nature of HS football/the camp cycle, is that a whole lot of new targets will develop. Coaches will be fired and resign, causing recruits to decommit. And OSU will once again be a preeminent program, drawing in recruits who otherwise might have gone elsewhere. The night is young! Feel free to add your own reasons to my list!

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
Proverbs 27:17

There is some dissension among OSU fans regarding whether being a "true OSU fan" means that we should root for UM to lose in every situation: lose every game environment, lose every recruiting battle, lose every bit of media exposure -- or whether being a "true OSU fan" allows for wanting a great UM team, who performs at an elite level, recruits at an elite level, and wins at an elite level, with the exception of the last game in November against OSU. 

I tend to be in the second camp, especially these days. OSU's strength of schedule relies on a competent, even elite UM team. Winning a #1 vs #2 OSU-UM game secures a trip to the National Title game in a way that a #2 OSU beating an unranked Michigan game can't necessarily. I also root for an elite Michigan team because I honestly loved the entertainment value of games like the 2006 "Game of the Century" that pitted an heroic #1 OSU team against an excellent #2 Michigan team. What's more, that victory satisfied me much more than the 14-3 or 42-7 OSU wins the following two years. I want a GREAT Michigan team, because beating an historically great Michigan team means an historically greatER OSU team. Beating an historically great Michigan team often means a Nat'l Title trip. Beating an historically great Michigan teams mean our OSU team is prepared to beat an historically great SEC team. 

While getting a Top 3 recruiting class doesn't secure an elite Michigan team in the future, player development is significant, it does push them in that direction -- in the same way that landing the consensus #2 recruiting class last year pushes OSU in that direction.

Where do you stand on this? OSU or Michigan fans alike are welcome to chime in. Does a great Michigan team help OSU? 

SUNDAY

The first Oval beach day was ruined by an Oval beached whale.

And following its second threat notification within a week, the OSU police opened investigations into a suspicious package seen on Chat Roulette, the pool drowning death of a SIMS character, and a mean YouTube comment made by user "BuckIH8er."

MONDAY

A class of '82 alumnus began wishing time and change wouldn't show.

Les Wexner purchased the naming rights to President E. Gordon Wexner.

Ohio State's two least coordinated students attempted to throw around a Frisbee.

Evan Ravenel signed a book deal.

Those who stayed came in second.

And the Big Ten proved it was the best basketball conference that will still exist next year.

TUESDAY

Ohio State banned being on the Oval.

An Oval preacher briefly considered going with "Jesus loves you" before settling on "I'm better than you."

Initiated fraternity pledges were relieved to finally be completely conformed.

And students across campus really struggled to pull off working on laptops outside.

WEDNESDAY

Yep, the first class was skipped.

Ohio forgot how to do weather correctly.

The Lantern unveiled its new website.

And a WALK ZONE sign was knocked over by a bike.

Thursday

OSU announced the High St. McDonald's renovation would result in two new dorms for 2014.

The Oval ceramic art sale LLC failed to reach its projected annual revenue of $8.

North Campus dining aimed missiles at South.

OSU Student Wellness began offering free lap dance vouchers redeemable anywhere.

A meal at Woody's tavern required the use of 31 napkins.

And Kendrick Lamar performed at OSU despite his weariness of rapping for college kids who drink to his song that's against drinking.

FRIDAY

Prospective OSU students at Go Buckeye day learned that once you Go Buckeye, you never go back.

Our review of a math professor's proof demonstration found it was boring, could have been shorter.

And Braxton Miller changed his hair again.

SATURDAY

The spring game proved which players cared least about potentially injuring teammates.

The spring game was delayed after players and coaches tried to decide if they even wanted to do this.

Following a sack/fumble, Cardale Jones decided he preferred playing school.

And the scarlet team received "Spring Game Champions 1-0" rings to commemorate their victory.

For more fake campus news, be sure to follow The Fake Lantern on twitter or facebook and check out TheFakeLantern.com and bookmark all of those and always click on those bookmarks.

CINCINNATI, OH - While this year's edition of Buckeye-on-Buckeye football will take place in Cincinnati instead of the Shoe, the story is the same. Ohio State's coaches want to see which players care least about the possibility of injuring a teammate.

While most are expected to play it safe, there are certain players who may end up taking hits too far. But according to one coach, that's exactly what the team needs. "Sure I want to see how our new linebackers can hold up in a game simulation against a versatile quarterback," said second year OSU football coach Urban Meyer. "But what I really want to know is - would Noah Spence kill Braxton Miller if I let him? I think he would." Added Meyer, "Beh-hehhehheh!"

This gladiatorial attitude may seem crazy to some, but probably not to those who attended Ohio State's student appreciation day open practice. According to an anonymous source, David Perkins' brutal hit on Brutus Buckeye during that practice was literally a hit in that Brutus' name had been added to an alleged "team hit list" earlier that day. When asked for comment, Meyer mysteriously whispered, "That was just practice."

As far as who will make the spring game hit list, that remains to be seen - but based on Meyer's comments - you can bet Braxton's name is on there. And everyone else's.