All header image credit goes to new commentariat capo Stinson, who should log in today and collect his upvotes for an image that could one day carry religious connotations within Ohio State fandom.
If I ever get hustled into owning a house one day, please believe I will replicate Stinson's work with a living room stained glass window that will make Louis Comfort Tiffany's corpse wilt in shame.
2016 CLASS PICKS UP 113 KILOS. Big news popped last night when the nation's consensus No. 9 weak-side defensive end, Terrell Hall, pulled the trigger on his commitment. The 6-foot-5, 250-pound #teen is Ohio State's seventh commit in a class that, at this point, would be considered a disappointment if it didn't finish with the first consensus "six-star legendary" ranking from the gurus.
The salt on the tears is that James Franklin got beat by Urban Meyer and Larry Johnson like he was a drunk who came across a couple of cranky crackheads in a downtown park. (I wouldn't be surprised if Johnson Sr. ordered today's morning tea — with two shots of Jack, I'd wager — on Franklin's credit card.)
But Nittany Lions fans need not fret. They still have that memorable Pinstripe Bowl win that I definitely didn't have to Google to remember... as well as James Franklin's upcoming TED Talk.
I NEVER TRUSTED MICK JAGGER ANYWAY. Folks, take it from me, the guy who sits around in sweatpants and cobbles together shitty #takes for a living: The first championship is actually the easiest.
Ohio State's days as an underdog — as short and preposterous as they were — are over. I wonder if this is an angle OSU's three-time champion coach has pondered?
Unsurprisingly, Ohio State's attitude relates to its defense of its national championship, although not entirely. The Buckeyes know they now have one giant target on their collective back heading into the 2015 season, but first they must worry about taking care of their own business.
"The thing that can hurt a team like this the most is rock stars," said Perry. "We had some guys who just came along in the blink of an eye. That is hard to handle because everybody's going to be patting you on the back. That's the biggest thing to be able to handle maturity-wise."
*Strokes beard and hits the vape that's definitely not filled with weed oil* Keep up the good work, team.
On a semi-related note, it's amusing to me how Ohio State is a beacon of winning and stability, and somehow, Ohio's professional football teams can't buy a clue. (Do I worry about some cartoon billionaire like Jimmy Haslam, Mike Brown, or Jerry Jones making a Godfather offer to Urban Meyer? Only when I've been huffing duster, but I still think it's a semi-plausible scenario.)
LOOK AWAY, CHARLES BARKLEY. Because I belong to the literal worst generation of American mathematicians, arithmetic — a word I couldn't spell for $1,000 without spellcheck — and numbers in general creep me out.
And that's why "we" here at the Skull Session prefer graphs and color-coded charts. So, despite his disgusting choice in collegiate teams, I'm a fan of MGoBlog's Alex Cook's work:
My system's B1G rankings. OSU back up to #2. pic.twitter.com/TsotJuPiXs— Alex Cook (@alexcook616) March 2, 2015
...and the corresponding scatterplot (with indexed axes). pic.twitter.com/I2Qm8egWB7— Alex Cook (@alexcook616) March 2, 2015
Somebody commented yesterday that tomorrow's game at Penn State could be a trap game. It had better not be, but would I be shocked if the team fell into some quicksand in Happy Valley? Not in the slightest.
CAN DANIEL GIDDENS EARLY ENROLL? Ohio State's basketball team is going to be good next year regardless, but let's say — and I'm just spitballing here, y'all — D'Angelo Russell does come back... that's a championship contender.
A (literal) big reason for that will be Daniel Giddens, a player Ohio State could use yesterday.
*In my Dan Dakich Voice* You know, Trey McDonald could have benefited from a redshirt. Also, my wife left me.
THEY WENT TOE DEEP IN THE THIRTIES. Who among us doesn't remember ol' Iron Toe Wes Fesler!?
100% TRUE WTF MINDBLOWING UBERFACT: Fesler only kicked with two unfiltered Marlboros danglin' from his lips.
THOSE WMDs. Fatal stabbing in OSU neighborhood may be a case of mistaken identity... Heroic four-year-old Marionaire saves a family... 'Car park pimping' in Gaborone... Looks like Tom Herman is regretting his Houston move... UM starting QB: Alex Malzone!?