Please, Cleveland Browns, Do Not Ruin Cardale Jones' Career by Drafting Him

By D.J. Byrnes on January 15, 2015 at 1:04 pm
via Twitter

At 4 p.m., Cardale Jones will (probably) announce — from Cleveland's Ginn Academy — his decision to forfeit his amateur status and turn pro. 

And until Dolodale leads a team to the Super Bowl (and at this rate, who's doubting him?) today will mark a capstone on an ascension that literally seemed impossible until it played during three nationally-televised games.

And because sports in America is different than any other workplace, Cardale Jones will be chosen by his employer, and not the other way around. That moment will come sometime during 2015's NFL Draft.

As a dumb, dumb man who owns two Tim Couch jerseys, the NFL Draft is about as magical as an NFL season gets for me. This year is no different, as my beloved group of losers has not one, but two first round picks to squander on two more petulant man-babies.

And because Browns fans know no better (author included), we latch on to any poor sap that's thrown into the shit-factory that is the Cleveland Browns starting QB position. Charlie Frye; Johnny Manziel; Brian Hoyer; Brandon Weeden; Derek Anderson, Ken Dorsey; Thad Lewis; Jake Delhomme... these are but a few the traveling sideshow acts to which I've hitched my wagon over the years.

So, it makes sense: Browns fans want some of King Cardale's magic (h/t to WFNY's Ben Cox):

First of all, if the Browns aren't willing to move up to acquire the No. 1 overall pick in order to draft the one true king of Ohio, Dolodale Jones, then they aren't worthy of the King's services and deserve eternal basement-dwelling.

Secondly — and again, I say this as a man who spent $110 on a ticket to watch Johnny Manziel get the alcohol-saturated piss kicked out of his kidneys by the Cincinnati Bengals — the idea of Cardale Jones being subjugated to playing for the Cleveland Browns is as atrocious as it is unbecoming of Jones' regality. 

Third, don't take my word for it. 

"I don't know anyone who can be consistently successful in winning within this culture and within this organization right now. You just can't play football like this."– Bernie Kosar to Cleveland's WTAM on the browns

Yes, that's Bernie Kosar, a man whose brain was battered against his skull so many times while playing for the Browns us fans now confuse his body's premature degeneration with public intoxication. Even that guy can see what a lose-lose situation it is for any dipshit interested in starting for the Cleveland Browns.

No, any Browns fan who truly loves Cardale will admit what we already know in our hearts to be true: There are 31 better landing spots in the NFL than the banks of Lake Erie.

King Cardale, much like the fans who fill Whatever The Hell They're Calling Cleveland Browns Stadium These Days, deserves better. Unlike the damned, however, Dolojones can go get it.

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