Hi there, sports website reader.
It's the middle of June.
I bet you're thinking to yourself, "Man, could being an avid reader of online sports content get any better than this? The longer the offseason drags on, the more I'm held captive to the same content that I've essentially memorized through rote repetition over the years, and I freakin' love it!"
Me too. I personally can't wait to see who is going to appear on a hypothetical watch list in May, or to read in January which teams are going to be in the Top 25 come September, or to pour over police blotters to see if any of my favorite players got dinged for public urination after a golf tournament.
And sure, in between the internet, social media, and cable news we've got near-total media saturation, but that doesn't mean that we have 24/7 unfettered access to searing hot takes about what some third stringer posted to Instagram, yet. Like, maybe from the hours of 2-4 a.m. That's still kind of a slow period.
So to fill that void I've taken it upon myself to release NOW! That's What I Call The Offseason, a distillation of 128 football offseasons into one easy to consume package. All of your favorites are here, in one easy to consume package. Such as...
KISS ON MY RIDICULOUSLY SUBJECTIVE LIST
Your preparation for college football in 2019 just isn't complete without a thorough breakdown of every possible angle of the dense, rich intricacies of this sport, and what better way to do that than through a series of arbitrary and completely subjective lists?
Let's rank head coaches! Let's rank head coaches! Let's rank receiving corps! Let's rank future... power... rankings? Let's report on ranking future power rankings! Let's rank all-time recruits! Let's rank teams post-spring, for some reason! Let's rank fastest players! HOLY SHIT LET'S RANK HEAD COACHES!
THE CONTENT AGGREGATOR'S WATCHING ME
Here is the 2019 Preseason Watch List Calendar ... 16 lists over 10 weekdays from July 15-26. pic.twitter.com/bVY0EE3weT— NCFAA (@ncfaa) May 16, 2019
Just a straight week and a half of solid gold gibberish based on players you've never heard of and will forget you've ever read about by October, awards watch list season is a treasured time in any young writer's life. This 10 day jam ensures that their status as executive editor of a fansite technically owned by a giant media conglomerate is secure for another pay period. The 200 American dollars they'll earn for writing 45 posts about the Lou Groza Award in July will be the best 200 bucks they've ever spent to almost cover basic human necessities.
BREAKIN' THE LAW (FOR A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE)
Who could forget that glorious offseason when one or two of well over one hundred people affiliated with your favorite college football team got pinched for doing something stupid? What a thrill that was!
Now, in the grand scheme of things it typically (though not always) means very little in the long run. But the shiver of nervous sweat running down your back and into your buttcrack as you read a police report about a second string offensive lineman getting caught accidentally shoplifting a Honey Bun at a Speedway simply cannot be replicated.
Which is why all potential violations of the law must be reported with the same breathless urgency until our brains start to treat violent felonies and jaywalking as essentially the same thing.
THE SCHEDULES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'
Does anyone actually need to know if the time for a preseason basketball game has been moved from 12 to 1?
Yes! Of course they do! Obviously!
LAND OF 1000 WORDS ABOUT A CONFERENCE USA TEAM
Did you know that if you write out the name of every player and coach and also their role on the team in full every time you mention them, you can hit an arbitrary word count much faster than you would otherwise? It's true, check it out: "Suspended Florida Atlantic Owls starting quarterback Chris Robison" is eight words long, which is basically one tenth of the way towards an intern slamming the "submit" button as hard as they can and calling it a day.
Now just repeat that 12-13 times on a weekly basis until September, and you've got yourself a "series," which sounds extremely classy.
All of these greatest hits can be yours as for long as you want them from the months of January through August on all of your favorite sports content sites.
Just remember, it's still a list even if the person writing the content didn't number the items.
NOW! That's What I Call The Offseason can be purchased for eight installments of $9.99. Send check or money order to P.O. Box 810938, Tub Ring, WY 38923, or call 1-800-555-FREE. No refunds for satire you've mistaken for actual reporting.