The Weekend Update Sponsored by Power Moves

By D.J. Byrnes on October 27, 2011 at 4:00 pm
RT @bro_pair: A dark carnival divided... cannot stand...THE GOLDEN RULE

Well, the mediocrity of the B1G caught up to your boy once again. After carving out a 5-2 record in national games last week, I proceeded to go 1-5 in B1G games. Hell, Russell Wilson got out-performed by Kirk Cousins! Penn State scored 34 points!!! (And no, the game didn't go into quintuple overtime). I certainly do not like this world I'm living in right now.

Thankfully, the one dependable thing this year in the Big Ten, Minnesota being awful, saved me from the shame of going 0-6 in the B1G and plummeting below .500 for the second time in as many weeks. *sigh* At this point I just may start flipping a coin for the Big Ten games. I certainly can't do any worse.

Also, is it just me, or does college football lack its usual flair this year? Alabama and LSU are clearly light-years above everybody else. Every game (save Wisconsin-Michigan State) seems to be a blow-out or just poorly played. This week's slate doesn't give me much hope either. At least we have the play-offs to look forward to, right?

SEASON: 49-28


#11 Oklahoma at #10 Kansas State (+13.5) - 3:30 EST - ESPN
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME BOB STOOPS IS COACHING A TEAM WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN SIGNIFICANTLY OVER-VALUED BY THE MEDIA? I don't believe it. It boggles my mind how people thought this team was anywhere in the same league as LSU. I have a hunch this line has something to do with the certainty of Bob Stoops engaging in scorched-earth tactics in order to save his BCS hopes. Too bad I'm not falling for this, because I see what the Don DaDa Bill Snyder has got going over there in the real Manhattan. Snyder is a lot like Joe Paterno--except Snyder doesn't talk as if he's had a stroke and is actually coaching his football team. And you know what? You just don't saunter into Bill Snyder's house and dump his ass by 14+ points. It just ain't going down like that.

"I am not satisfied with proving my critics wrong. I MUST PEN MYSELF A BOOK SO MY CONQUEST STANDS FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. I AM BILL SNYDER."Bill Snyder's alternate title? "HAI HATERZZZZ"

Baylor at #3 Oklahoma State (-14) - 3:30 EST - ABC (Regional)
I'm trying to find the words to describe the gap between the offensive firepower of Oklahoma State and Ohio State. Unfortunately, it's a gap which I'm not even sure the Grand Canyon could accommodate. Does the King of East Texas, Robert Griffin III, have the arm-power to go clip-for-clip with Okie State? I think he does. Unfortunately for Robert Griffin III, his defense is terrible (97th defense in the country, statistically). If Oklahoma State's defense can make a couple of plays (and there are some play-makers on their defense, make no mistake) this should be a pretty easy game for the Pokes.

Navy (+20) at Notre Dame - 3:30 EST - NBC
So, remember how Notre Dame was a pre-season BCS contender? Then they got smashed by USF and Michigan and then they weren't? Then remember how they strung a few victories together and everybody said "LOOK OUT FOR THE IRISH?" Isn't it so satisfying when teams turn out to be the snot-sucking cravens you always thought they were? I know Navy has disappointed this year, but hell, I'll take 20 points against a team which can't protect the football. I also may put a prop bet on Brian Kelly shedding tears (+450) at some point during this game because he is a small child.

#22 Georgia (-1.5) vs. Florida , 3:30 EST - CBS
What the hell is a cocktail party? What the hell is a cocktail? Why the hell would I want to be at a party with a bunch of people drinking cocktails? Sounds like something horrendously southern. You know, I almost felt sorry watching Florida get their teeth kicked in by Auburn. But then... I remembered the arrogance of their fanbase when they were living the high life. (WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, FLORIDA? OH YA--BEING PREPARED TO BATHE IN A TUB FILLED WITH GOLD COINS FROM OHIO). I will tip my cap to Mark Richt, he seems to have steadied his ship. Of course, a loss to a bumbling Florida team could change all of that, but still--what does Florida do well? Nothing. Georgia is going to drown Florida in a tub of their own tears.

#6 Clemson (-4.5) at Georgia Tech - 7:30 EST - ABC (Regional)
*sigh* I know Vegas wants you to to hop on Clemson (-4.5). They really, really want you to. I mean, I know, Clemson's offense is a due for a bad game (as is Tajh Boyd); but hell, if Georgia Tech falls behind in this game (a good possibility) how are they going to come back again? 4 yards at a time? YOU WILL BE SORRY FOR THIS LINE, VEGAS. Clemson by 21+.

#4 Stanford (-7.5) at #20 Southern California - 8:00 EST - ABC (Regional)
Good golly, it feels like just yesterday when Stanford, a 40 point underdog, was celebrating on the corpse of Pete Carroll. That said, this is another line which Vegas wants you to ponder emptying your bank account on. I know the Trojans showed shades of them old selves last week against the Papists of Notre Dame, (and they played Stanford tough last year), but COME ON HERE. Stanford has just been absolutely mauling people this year. Their offensive line is made up of earth-eaters. They're led by Andrew Luck. Remember how USC got shook-down for their lunch money by a guy named "Vontaze" a few weeks back? This game is going to be a lot like that.


"I want them crucified upside-down, LIKE THEM ROMANS USED TO DO. Feel me, General?"Warlord Harding shifting into bo$$ hogg mode.

The 29th (and greatest) U.S. President, Warren G. Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer, and lover of life. As such, his words are brought to you here through the medieval art of necromancy. Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife--which tanked the economy), his words here might as well come to your doorstep in the form of etched stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented here should be considered only those of Warren G. Harding himself, obvii).

LAST WEEK: +$60,000
THE SEASON'S HONEY POT: +$151,157.02

As Marion-TMZ first exclusively reported, I have been incarcerated for the last week at California's Pelican Bay Prison. The list of charges against me is as long as it is ridiculous. This would be a problem for most men. Thankfully, I'm not even a man, let alone most of them. Secondly, I don't deal in problems. I traffick in solutions.

Most men struggle with prison because they have a skewed ideal of freedom. You see, Americans now think freedom involves the right to buy $7 cups of coffee from Starbucks. They think their materials are their salvation and without them, they are nothing. You spend your riches on stupid shit; so without all of your stupid shit, you feel as if you are nothing. Adolf Hitler once imprisoned me for three years, four months, six days, ten hours, five minutes and thirty-two seconds. You know how many text messages I sent during that time? SEVEN. And then I ate that prick's heart and washed it down with a sixer of Bud Ice. (And left a 150% tip because the waitress had amiable dimensions).

Does this mean I wasn't watching last week's $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay unfold from my 42-inch plasma TV? Hahahaha. No, it doesn't, but this doesn't mean I wouldn't have been more than willing to watch it on a choppy internet feed from my iPad16.

The point I'm trying to make is, the cops do not hold any power over me because I am not scared of anything they can do to me. There is nothing they can take from me. Imprison me? Whatever. Torture? One time, on a back-packing trip through Nicaragua, I had a prostitute water-board me before we fornicated. Death? I AM ALREADY DEAD INSIDE, YOU FOOLS. Butcher my family? ONLY IN MY DREAMS.

So, imagine the humor I found in being interrogated by various Alphabet Boyz.

Sure, they had over two hundred pounds of Mexican cocaine. Sure, they claimed they had my fingerprint from the scene of over 30 dead Marion hoodrats (probably taken from one of their charred ovaries). But if their case was iron-clad, why would they need any admission of guilt from me? I couldn't help but do anything but laugh. You mortals have always enjoyed your stupid games.

After rudimentary bluster and tough-talk of ridiculous prison sentences which would never materialize, what else do cops have? Nothing. They're like the Assistant Principle. (Remember that clown?)

After spending hours toying with these haterz--using only open-ended questions in response to their questions--I grew tired of the game. It was a lot like seducing college girls. It's fun at first but then just gets boring because it's easy and repetitive. ("You have a Strategic Communications degree and you volunteer at the animal shelter? That's so interesting...") Even I grow tired of intellectually mauling idiots after awhile, which is surprising because I haven't felt the pangs of my conscience in over 4,000 years of walking this Earth.

One thing I did like about prison tho: the people! Criminals, especially the violent and career-oriented ones, are simply the salt-of-the-earth people I have come to enjoy the company of. I can't tell you how many deeply personal and professional contacts I made there. I will miss all of them and their cantinas will never go empty.

I chisel the words about my incarceration into this stone tablet in past tense because, well... I no longer reside in Pelican Bay.

I won't bore y'all with the details, because details are always quite mundane. Long story short: Using the social capital I had amassed over poker games and cloak-and-dagger skullduggery, I amassed a cabal of about 15 ride-or-die soldiers to assist in my escape. Using a series of simple ruses and more elaborate gambits, we were able to take the control room of the prison--all without firing a single shot or detonating any of the TNT we had sewn into our long johns.

I've seen dictators (many of them my personal friends) derided by cupcake-ass media members for using human-shields. These harp-boyz have apparently never had the testicles to get into a situation which would require a human shield. What would you bleeding-heart nancies have me do? Walk to my Marion Evacuation Chopper without a shield of flesh, only be to shot down like a dog by some lunatic behind a sniper rifle? Did you see what your fellow base-folk did to the lil homie Muammar Gadaffi? You think I'm going out like that, with some idiot shoving his cock up my anal cavity while somebody videotapes it and slaps it on YouTube? HATER PLZ.

Besides, half of the hostages were female guards which I had been sleeping with while imprisoned. You want to get a girl excited? Tell her you're going to take her some place exotic. Especially white women--they're usually just excited to learn the world extends beyond their city's limits. These hos were rolling with me regardless; whatever you decide to call them--"lover" or "hostage"--it makes no difference to me.

The irony about a Marion Evacuation Chopper is that it's not even a helicopter. It's a fire-breathing dragon, which is the size of two football fields. One of the life-hackz Zeus granted his chosen tribe (Marionaires) was dragon-soothing. (Think you're fly, Mr. Lamborgini with Personalized Plates? Wait 'til I'm sitting next to you at the intersection with the dragon sittin' back relaxed. I bet yo girl will be giving me a hand-job before that light turns green, bro).

After six hours of flying and the dragon exhausted, we landed deep in the jungles of New Guinea. There, we planned on exchanging the dragon for a G-550 Gulfstream jet. When I gave the hostages their knives and rations, they refused them. They all wanted to come with me.

Rosemary, my boss concubine, spoke to me that evening as we made love under the stars on the jungle floor.

"My Essence" she moaned between my jackhammer like thrusts to her pelvis, "this, is bigger, than just, you. This is, bigger than, all of us. We want, to c-c-c-ome, with you. We want, to follow, you."

It wasn't until four hours later, when we had finished our love-making, did I finally look upon her face. (It would be the last time).

"Rosemary," I said simply, "If I wanted disciples, I would have been Jesus. Do you see what I'm saying? I carry much more than the salvation of Man on my shoulders right now. And I wouldn't dare crush your delicate shoulder bones with these ultimately trivial matters."

Truth be told, there's not much more I can talk about. It just involves "certain things". Things which are even bigger than myself. (I know, it's hard to believe something is bigger than my erect penis, let alone myself--but I swear this to be true). You must simply trust your shepherd on this matter.

Now, even people with only two commas in their bank account always talk about how "money never sleeps." You think this perilous journey is going to derail the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay money-train? Nay, because I deftly didn't put any brakes on the money-train when I engineered it.

It seems the only thing which can stop Leslie Miles' band of mutant assassins and beastmen is a bye week. It's a shame too, because I had begun to grow so fond of laughing at Vegas' bookmakers feeble attempts to make a line big enough to stop them. Although, if my sources are right--and they always are--I've heard whispers over LSU getting six points at Tuscaloosa next week. My only fear is that this may be a half-cooked scheme by some petty-ass federal prosecutor in some vain attempt to manufacture a RICO case against me. Though Vegas, if I were you, I'd probably cut off your electricity this week to save some money. If these whispers are true... My budding army of internet goonz and I will bankrupt you all in a little over a week. 

However, let us not dabble in these fantasies which are to be brought to reality in the near future. (Gods only know; I could overdose this weekend).

This week, Daddy Warbux has a banger for all you all. But you already knew that, didn't you? According to W.A. Titsworth, my secretary of Collegiate Football Wagering, investment in this week's $10,000 Presidential Parlay will yield you an un-taxed profit of $60,000. THE POWER MOVE IS THIS: Oklahoma State (-14), Kansas State (+13.5), Stanford (-7.5).

The times are indeed turbulent, my friends. Just remember: there are only two sides in this struggle: the blessed and the cursed.

I think you know which side I ride with.

b1g games

Northwestern at Indiana (+9)  - 12:00 EST - The Big Ten Network
*flips coin* The oracle has spoken: Hoosiers (+9)!


Purdue (+13.5) at #17 Michigan - 12:00 - ESPN2
Purdue is feisty and they have a few pieces on their team. Both of Caleb TerBush's ACLs are still intact, so this season has been a rousing success for the Boilermakers thus far. Michigan made all of us smile two weeks ago when showed they were who we thought they were by getting punked by Michigan State. I think Purdue will be able to move the magic diamond against Michigan. I also think they might be able to hassle Denard Robinson into a few dumb mistakes. Michigan may prevail, but I think Purdue will cover this pretty easily.

#9 Michigan State at #13 Nebraska (-4) - 12:00 EST - ESPN
Michigan State (+4) looks tempting; but I have a feeling their last three victories were it for them. Sparty should be thankful their prayers were answered last week, otherwise everybody would be talking about they almost gave up a two touchdown lead with 10 minutes left to play in the fourth quarter. Sorry to interrupt the national massaging of Michigan State--but their dirty little secret is they have been atrocious on the road (the two times they've ventured outside of East Lansing this season). One, they got dumped by a mediocre Notre Dame team. The second, they won, but they only managed 10 points in Columbus AND they allowed Joe Bauserman to throw a touchdown pass. See what I'm getting at here? Besides, I'm supposed to believe Michigan State is beating Ohio State, Michigan, Wisconsin AND Nebraska... all in a row? Child, please.

Illinois (+5) at #21 Penn State - 3:30 EST - ABC (Regional)
I must confess: I am a Ron Zook fan. I want to see him do good. I want to see his bewildered look as his players dump Gatorade on him with his team up 30+ points in the 4th quarter of a national title game. I figured Ohio State would clip them, but what the hell happened against Purdue? I have no clue. Still, Penn State scored THIRTY FOUR points last week, so I doubt they have any points left in their tank until the turn of the month. I also think the guile of Ron Zook will lead the Fightin' Ron Zooks to victory in Happy Valley! (And yes, it will pain me when Ron Zook is probably fired at half-time of this game, but still, BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER).

Iowa (-16) at Minnesota - 3:30 EST - Big Ten Network
At this point, you'd have to give me 60 points to gamble on Minnesota, and even then, I might not take it. THEY. ARE. PITIFUL.

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