Eleven Dubcast: Tragedy and Farce Meet at Ohio State's Commencement

By Johnny Ginter on May 7, 2024 at 2:50 pm

"This dude 100% has a TEDx Talk."

After about an hour of baffled internet detectivery between myself and George (which consisted of angrily watching a commencement speech recorded by a phone recorded off an iPad and looking up incredibly embarrassing social media posts), that was the moment when everything clicked and I knew that near-universally criticized Ohio State commencement speaker Christopher Pan no longer kept any secrets from me.

That's no great accomplishment on my part, honestly: geniuses are often a foot wide and a mile deep, but weird self-help crypto enthusiast jewelry salesmen require about two-thirds of an ocular pat-down before you can go "yeah, alright, I see where this is going."

So where was Pan going on Sunday? All over the freaking place. First he asked the graduating seniors in Ohio Stadium to join him in a rendition of 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up?" which was followed by an endearing immigrant story that kind of worked, which was immediately undermined by a Bitcoin plug/magic trick that OSU President and cryptocurrency advocate Ted Carter played along with, a guided breathing exercise, a complete misunderstanding of what the Singing Revolution actually entailed, and another sing-along to "This Little Light of Mine."

All of which was, according to the master himself, written under the influence of ayahuasca.

We try to keep these Dubcast missives short, so I'll cut to the chase: during a ceremony in which an actual tragedy occurred and a time on campus in which people are feeling very real rage and anger, Christopher Pan's 15 minutes or so of gross pablum underlined that, for a lot of people, the greatest utility genuine emotion has is how quickly it can be turned into a $30 wristband. It may seem, at minimum, to be a terrible idea to bring in a guy like Pan to use a venerated public university's commencement as an excuse to sell shit. But that was probably the point.

The commodification of every element of the human experience is the ultimate goal of so, so many hucksters with an Ivy League MBA, and as a result maybe the best lesson that Pan imparted to the crowd at Ohio Stadium is that the path to true enlightenment is much more complicated than learning a couple of chords on a ukulele and getting really excited about blockchain technology.

Oh, and I was right. He does have a TEDx Talk.

  • Okay, so yes, the majority of the Dubcast this week is dedicated to this inanity, but again, there was a very real tragedy that happened during commencement and our hearts go out to everyone involved
  • Ask Us Anything - which you can do by sending us questions to dubcast@elevenwarriors.com - needs to know just how hot we can go
  • Ohio State somehow kept their quarterback room intact throughout the spring transfer period, which is kind of wild!
  • Coach Prime is making an ass out of himself, but that's redundant
  • Diebler got a transfer! Hooray!

And that does it for the Dubcast this week, watch the show now on YouTube above or visit our Transistor page for links to other listening options such as Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more.

Thank you for listening, check out the Dry Goods store, and we'll see you next time!

View 75 Comments