Penn State football, on another timeline where everything is good, is an unopened 19th century time capsule rotting in whatever nondescript pile of dirt Pennsylvania pioneers buried it.
On this timeline, however, the Big Ten opened that capsule in 1990. We expected gold bricks. Instead, we got Joe Pa's unused adult diaper, a handful of wooden nickels, the last string of floss to ever grace Western Pennsylvania, and a rusted revolver last fired during the Civil War.
But what's done is done, and here we stand on the cusp of another Ohio State–Penn State banger in the place called "Happy Valley."
The name is ironic, obviously. The Nittany Lions haven't beat the Buckeyes there since a 2005 victory in which the Lions inexplicably held Troy Smith, Santonio Holmes, Ted Ginn, and Antonio Pittman to 10 points.
To those Buckeye fans traveling to State College: Stay frosty. You know how people say every big fanbase has its asshole wing? The asshole–chill fan ratio is reversed when it comes to Penn State. That place is so backward I'm surprised there isn't a Jefferson Davis statue in the middle of campus.
Let's hope the Bucks roll into Happy Valley wearing the cocaine whites and shows these miserable dipsomaniacs the majestic canyon that separates these two programs.
I also have a handful of wooden nickels on Big Game James Franklin reminding his fans about past sanctions in the postgame presser.
As for the slate, well, you're not going to believe this: Michigan and Washington play powder puffs at home. We'll also know how real Texas A&M is by the time Ohio State–Penn State kicks off.
| TIME (ET) | GAME | FAVORITE | TELEVISION |
|---|---|---|---|
| 12:00 | No. 10 WISCONSIN at IOWA | UW (-4½) | ESPN |
| 12:00 | NORTH CAROLINA STATE at No. 7 LOUISVILLE | UL (-19½) | ABC |
| 3:30 | No. 22 NORTH CAROLINA at VIRGINIA | UNC (-11) | ACCN |
| 3:30 | MEMPHIS at No. 24 NAVY | UM (-2½) | CBSSN |
| 3:30 | ILLINOIS at No. 4 MICHIGAN | UM (-38½) | BTN |
| 3:30 | PURDUE at No. 8 NEBRASKA | CORN (-24) | ABC |
| 3:30 | TEXAS CHRISTIAN at No. 12 WEST VIRGINIA | WVU (-6½) | ESPN2 |
| 3:30 | No. 6 TEXAS A&M at No. 1 ALABAMA | BAMA (-17½) | CBS |
| 3:30 | EASTERN MICHIGAN at No. 23 WESTERN MICHIGAN | WMU (-23½) | ESPN3 |
| 4:00 | No. 19 UTAH at CALIFORNIA-LOS ANGELES | UCLA (-7) | FOX |
| 6:00 | No. 17 ARKANSAS at No. 21 AUBURN | AUB (-9½) | ESPN |
| 6:30 | OREGON STATE at No. 5 WASHINGTON | UDUB (-36½) | PAC12 |
| 7:00 | No. 11 HOUSTON at SOUTHERN METHODIST | UH (-21) | ESPN2 |
| 8:00 | No. 16 OKLAHOMA at TEXAS TECH | OU (-14) | FOX |
| 8:00 | No. 23 MISSISSIPPI at No. 25 LOUISIANA STATE | LSU (-7½) | ESPN |
#STAYING IN COLUMBUS? Head down to East Franklinton and visit the best brewery in Ohio: Land-Grant Brewing. (Full disclaimer: The proprietor, Walt Keys, is 11W's graphic designer and the mastermind behind the game posters we all love to know. It would still be the best brewery in Ohio if I didn't know Mr. Keys.)
Not to carbon date myself, but I remember when Land-Grant was nothing more than two dudes smuggling a keg into the RV lots for our Dubgate. Today, they celebrate two years of business at their W. Town Street locale.
THE NITTANY LION FILE. Here's everything you need to know about tonight's unranked opponent:
- Preview
- State College Travel Guide
- Mailbag
- Situational
- Roundtable
- Trailer
- Penn State "just another game" to Pennsylvanian Malik Hooker
- Silver Bullets aware of Saquon Barkley's 2015 rampage
- The Keystone State isn't a recruiting hotbed for Urban Meyer
- Game Poster
- Prognosticating
Be sure to follow @11W, @EricSeger33, @TimShoemaker, and @AndrewMLind for up-to-the-minute updates from Happy Valley.
Also be sure, as always, to follow @Edge11W, who designed the stunning header graphic.
#PERTINENTWIRE. Remember, folks, don't freak out if Ohio State doesn't bulldoze Penn State from the start. Urban Meyer trained his team for stages like this. There's only one team in this matchup with hearts of lions—and it ain't the one coached by James Franklin.
Go ahead and run that.
SCORE PREDICTION: 38-10, OUR BELOVED LOCAL TEAM.
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