Sugar Bowl Skull Session: Get Dumped Then, Alabama

By D.J. Byrnes on January 1, 2015 at 6:00 am
All Rise for King Cardale
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MY HEARTIEST WELCOME TO THE YEAR OF WARIO, Y'ALL.

Seeing as it's the first day of 2015, and with the No. 1 Alabama Crimson Tide on tap, I'm going to throw my chips on the table and spend my yearly posting of The Greatest YouTube Video Known to Man.

... Pardon the delay, but clicking this bookmark is akin to huffing Everclear vapors for me...

IF Y'ALL WOULD BE SO KIND TO KRAK YOUR LOKO.... STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, REVEREND TO SOME AND FATHER TO MOST, HAS A FEW WORDS FOR THE AMASSED CONGREGATION ON THIS FATEFUL WINTER DAY:

The same people telling me Ohio State is an underdog tonight are the same people who tried to hold Stone Cold Steve Austin back from taking on thirty men by himself. And if people like that ran this country in colonial days, we'd all be watching lads play rugby tonight while sipping tea and talking about the Queen's diamond jubilee.

*in my Tupac voice* Fuck the Queen's jubilee, her tea, lads, rugby, and people who think King Dolodale and Ohio State are anything but the overdogs tonight.

Ohio State has lost three games in three years, and I'm supposed to kiss Alabama's greasy twinkiehooks because they beat LSU in the Worst Championship Game Ever Played this side of 2010's Butler-Duke?

No. No. No. There's only one team in this match-up with King Dolodale on its roster, which is a fact that won't hit Alabama fans until they stop thinking about 12 as a backup-to-a-backup and instead realize he's the boss of Ohio State's final form. That should happen around the time Mr. Jones drops his first 70-yard bomb with a flick of his wrist.

They tell me there are other games today and tonight, but I'm not about to waste my time confirming that theory. If I happen to catch the closing minutes of this alleged Florida State-Oregon game in the lead-up to the Sugar Bowl, so be it.

Time (ET PM) BOWL Matchup Favorite TV
12:00 OUTBACK NO. 18 AUBURN vs. No. 19 WISCONSIN WAR (-4) ESPN2
12;30 COTTON No. 5 BAYLOR vs. No. 8 MICHIGAN STATE BAY (-1) ESPN
1:00 CITRUS No. 16 MISSOURI vs. MINNESOTA MIZZ (-3) ABC
5:00 ROSE No. 2 OREGON vs. No. 3 FLORIDA STATE ORE (-5) ESPN
8:30 SUGAR No. 1 ALABAMA vs. No. 4 OHIO STATE BAMA (-5½) ESPN

In all seriousness: I hope Florida State, which was proven again yesterday it's still on level with the Crowes, the backwater, gator-farming crime family that served as villains on the last season of Justified.

ICYMI: Please visit Eleven Warriors' Sugar Bowl hub, featuring things like the official Sugar Bowl trailer and Walt's Civil War-inspired game poster that will soon be hanging on the single wall of my hovel, right next to the the title game one.

And as a salute to all employees (and bosses worth a damn) on their grind today, here's are this week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS:

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE. Seven years ago this month, I sat down in a University Village apartment to witness the final game in Ohio State's coronation. It was a mere formality, as proven when Ted Ginn dusted Florida on the opening kick-off.

... And then Urban Meyer and Florida went to work, and we all know how that ended.

But here's why I pick at old wounds: I know the might of Underdog Urban Meyer, because my peaceful village was sacked and pillaged by him many moons again. To this day, it was the most painful athletic loss I've ever suffered. 

And Warren G. Harding willing — HERE NOW, HEAR THE CRIES OF YOUR LAST MORTAL DISCIPLE, YE ALMIGHTY — may hoss1407, lawtide423, and  "the Alabama Nation" feel that sorrow in the deepest reaches of their being tonight.

From Brett McMurphy of ESPN.com:

Of the 128 FBS head coaches, 107 participated in the poll, conducted by ESPN’s Brett McMurphy. 

Alabama was picked by 60 percent of the coaches to win the playoff, followed by No. 2 Oregon (28 percent). No. 3 Florida State and No. 4 Ohio State each received 6 percent of the votes to win the national title. 

In the semifinal matchups, Alabama was chosen over Ohio State by a 90-10 percent margin in the Sugar Bowl, while Oregon was selected over Florida State by 73-27 percent margin. 

For the record: The only thing Alabama has on Ohio State is age, which as anybody over the age of 21 can tell you isn't an advantage in the least bit.

FIVE REASONS THE BUCKS BANG ON THE TIDE. Before the Wisconsin game, Michael Bennett and Adolphus Washington told the defense not to worry about the inside run because there wouldn't be any. And while Joey Bosa admitted yesterday "Bama is a different animal" than Wisconsin, this was a revealing quote from Michael Bennett, via Bill Landis of cleveland.com:

1. Ohio State feels its built to stop Alabama's offense. Buckeyes defensive tackle Michael Bennett, who's become a voice of this team in recent weeks, didn't pull any punches when discussing the Alabama offense.

"This is a zone offense," Bennett said. "They've got a lot of other weapons with them, but this is primarily a zone offense. I feel like we're pretty confident stopping zone offenses."

Bennett went on to say he couldn't recall which opponents exactly used a zone scheme against the Buckeyes, only that "there hasn't been a zone team in college football that's been able to handle us so far this season."

Curtis Grant said on Tuesday the goal is to make Alabama one dimensional somehow. It will be interesting to see if Chris Ash and Luke Fickell choose to stack the box and let Doran Grant man-up on Amari Cooper, or if they choose to lean back and dare Alabama to run the ball and embark on trundling drives.

Those decisions are why those two get paid the big bucks.... but if Michael Bennett and Diesel Washington can clog the middle like they did against Wisconsin's hogs... well, Ohio State will be in business.

Considering Michael Bennett has millions of dollars in draft stock riding on this game, and that he's played his best in OSU's biggest stages... let's just say I've got a good feeling about No. 53 tonight.

BUCKEYE NATION SWARMING NEW ORLEANS. I personally know two Marionaires on the loose in New Orleans, and the only tidbit from their dispatches I'm comfortable sharing here is Ohio State fans are running wild in New Orleans.

Make no mistake... Bama's presence is known... but according to my boots on the ground, Ohio State's regiments dwarf Alabama's.

Take, for example, this SEC Network screencap that floated around Twitter yesterday:

king troll trolled

While it's good to see there are people willing to troll the troll king, Buckeye fans also showed up in numbers at Ohio State-sanctioned events: 

*sigh* If I had any heart I'd wake up at 4 a.m., rent a car, and be in New Orleans before the end of the game.

BAMMER SECURITY FORCES FED UP. Props to the Ohio State fan that put an "URBAN MEYER KNOWS" t-shirt on Alabama's Nick Saban statue, because it seriously looks like Nick Saban is donning it.

This Alabama fan, however, did not think it was a good move. In fact, judging by the pensive look of pent-up, impotent rage on his face... I wager he'd say it was a bad move.

 

(Two Things: 1) I love how the OP calls a statue "coach." 2) Please notice the Buckeyes bounced off the ground and rolled away effortlessly on their TROLLOLOLOLOLOLersk8z.)

But for a peek into how serious these people take these concrete figurines of their gods, we turn to this 2011 article from Michael Casagrande of DecaturDaily.com:

Just 8 hours, 56 minutes remained on the work shift of a lifetime. [Marcus] Williams and buddy Jama Brown were charged with protecting the shrouded work of art to their left.

Yes, they had the graveyard shift guarding the statue of Nick Saban, which was installed Thursday afternoon in the plaza outside Bryant-Denny Stadium. They were scheduled to remain on duty until 6 a.m. today, and Williams wasn’t looking sleepy yet.

“Me, out of all the people in the world, from West Alabama and Tuscaloosa would be guarding the statue,” Brown said confidently. “It’s an honor to do that, man. I’m pretty much a diehard Alabama fan. So I feel pretty honored guarding the statue. They could have chosen anybody out here and they chose me. I feel pretty good about it.”

Yes, what an honor: Being allowed to stand, for free, within the vicinity of a hulking mass of concrete. The sky is truly the limit in Western Alabama.

Meanwhile: Harvey Updyke, the idiot who poisoned Toomer's Corner and a man who belongs in the dankest depths of a medieval dungeon, continues to be a drunken parody of himself for the entertainment of others:

TENNESSEE, I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT YOU. Tennessee will take on Iowa in tomorrow's TaxSlayer.com bowl. So let's take a moment to thank Urban Meyer for delivering us from the shadows of the TaxSlayer.com Bowl, and also reflect on the fact Ohio State's turn-of-the-millennium low is Tennessee's turn-of-the-millennium high.

Via @JasonMartinASU:

And this concludes my thinking about Tennessee.

THIS IS DISGUSTING. To Hell with Alabama forever, though.

via Joe Kinsey at Busted Coverage:

Imagine that: A couple who do not like the same teams. If only couples who don't like the same teams made a bigger deal about that — maybe by posting it to Instagram? —  then I'd be more aware of how they're adults who have the ability to coexist despite their loyalty to rival sports teams.

Makes you think; I must admit.

/SALUTE, SEAHAWKS EMPLOYEE. Seattle Seahawks' wide receiver Doug Baldwin, who I already thought was extremely good because he's an incessant, acid-soaked thorn in the side of the NFL's Real Serious Shitpeople, added another reason to the list yesterday:

Brady Hoke's won more games at Michigan than Jim Harbaugh, and that's #justfacts.

RAMZY BOMBED ON 'EM. This was more staggering than humorous:

*backs away horrified*

I... uh, I... I would like to thank this moment to thank my mom for reading books like Rosie and the Rustlers to me instead of smoking cigarettes and spending money in the club. (Although, cigarettes and spending money in the club are cooler and more worthwhile/rewarding than me, so maybe the joke is on her... but I'm still thankful.)

RUN IN HERE AND GET YOUR JUICE. Apropos of nothing, here is the Greatest Six Second Clip on the Internet:

Did she check the kid or make sure she got the Vine first? If she's under 30: She checked the Vine.

KIRK BARTON STILL A TREASURE. Another STONE COLD TRUTH: The SEC is the reigning runner-up.

Unfortunately, "fourth place" doesn't have an S. 

SOMEBODY CHECK RICH ROD'S WIRES. Speaking of coaches who have won more games at Michigan than Jim Harbaugh:

(That moment when the LSD kicks in at your little cousin's sixth birthday party and the DJ refuses to drop the bass, amirite?)

#PERTINENTHEISENBERG. All dynasties — no matter how great —  eventually turn to splattered muscle sinew in the big New Mexican nursing home in the sky.

ALABAMA, YOUR RUN WAS GOOD, BUT NOW, LIKE DA U BEFORE YOU, IT'S TIME FOR THE NEW KING TO ASCEND.

PREDICTION NOBODY ASKED ME FOR: Ohio State: 45; Alabama: 17. 

Ohio State's defense is peaking at the right time and trounces Alabama's offense as Amari Cooper is held in check by Doran Grant. Alabama does not get to its vaunted plateau of 140 yards rushing; Michael Bennett and Adolphus Washington eat worlds, and Joey Bosa gets busy.

MVP: King Dolodale. Four total touchdowns (one running; one jump pass TD).

Bold prediction: Mike Thomas makes a signature catch-and-dash touchdown from beyond fifty yards, and he, not Devin Smith, leads the wide receivers statistically.

THOSE WMDs. Want to pass time without thinking about the Sugar Bowl? Here's the entirety of Ken Burns' American Civil War... Before you sign that gym membership, read this warning from Ohio's Attorney General... Boogie is the best offensive post player in the world... How could a woman just vanish?... Saskatchewan winter too much for one CBC Radio listener...

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