THE INFINITY HARBAUGH SAGA: THE CONCLUSION
When last we left our brave band of heroes, they were facing a seemingly hopeless last stand against Jim Harbaugh, who with the power of the infinity gauntlet had all but conquered the world. Just when hope seemed extinguished, a stranger approached, one who turned out to be none other than Nick Saban.
The world shuddered as Saban and Harbaugh began to do battle, hurling mountains and blasts of energy at each other. Harbaugh attempted to use his time manipulation powers to turn Saban into a baby, but learned to his chagrin that Saban had never been a baby: that he had existed since time immemorial as a cantankerous and antisocial football coach always seemingly nearing but never quite reaching retirement age. But although Saban could hold Harbaugh off, it quickly became apparent that he could not stop him.
"We have to help him!" yelled Lane Kiffin, attempting to use his fish-summoning powers to summon a school of sharks, which of course failed seeing as they were in the middle of Indiana.
"Y'all get outta here," Saban growled, now locked in a hand to hand struggle with Harbaugh, whose physical appearance had by now been transformed by the power of the infinity gauntlet into an even more hideous form:
"Nick's right," Urban Meyer shouted, "we've got to use this opportunity to escape and plan our next move."
On Meyer's command, Demario McCall again tore a rip into the space time continuum, creating a portal for the super team to escape through. But even as they entered the portal, a blinding flash and deafening eruption almost enveloped them.
On the other side of the portal, which emptied out somewhere in Utah, the super team was joined by pieces of debris, including the singed and frayed hat of Nick Saban.
Kneeling above Saban's smoking hat, a single tear rolled down Kiffin's cheek as he took out his phone, took a picture of the hat, and tweeted "#Sad." Within seconds the tweet had 50,000 retweets, and comments that speculated that even after being atomized Nick Saban would still want to move to the NFL and exorcise the demons of his tenure at the Miami Dolphins.
"Even Saban couldn't stop him," Cardale Jones said.
Soon, the super team's ears were tortured by a sudden crazed cackling, and they knew that once again Harbaugh was upon them.
But as Harbaugh descended from the sky, gauntlet glowing with power, there came another sound, a sound like a continent splitting, a sound that a hundred atom bombs: streaking across the sky, powered by a thousand cans of Red Bull, screaming at the top of his infinitely capacious lungs, was Kerry Coombs.
"Kerry, get out of here!" Meyer yelled, "you have commitments to the Titans now!"
But Coombs didn't hear him, and collided with Harbaugh at fifty thousand meters per second.
If only for an instant, Harbaugh was down.
Meyer knew that Harbaugh would get back up again--nothing, not Nick Saban, not an 8-5 record with a loss to South Carolina, could take the madman down.
And that was when Meyer had his flash of inspiration. Quickly, he told the others of his plan.
"That's nuts," Cardale said.
"Insane," Lane Kiffin said.
"That's what I'm counting on," Meyer said, a small smile on his face.
And despite his misgivings, Demario McCall did as told, running faster than he ever had, surpassing every barrier humanity could imagine and many they couldn't. He seemed to disappear, shrieking out in agony as his every molecule was dispersed, and for a moment, the others wondered if they'd asked too much of McCall.
"Demario!" Cardale cried out, holding back tears.
And now Harbaugh was rising again, and Kerry Coombs had run out of red bull.
"Who's got it better than me?!" Harbaugh roared, preparing once again to destroy all existence.
But there came an answer, in exactly the same voice: "I do!"
And now, floating in the air, was another Jim Harbaugh, holding another infinity gauntlet.
"Impostor!" the original Harbaugh shrieked.
"I bet you drink skim milk," the other Harbaugh replied.
As they clashed, matter and anti-matter mixed, and both Harbaughs were annihilated.
"Harbaugh's greatest weakness is himself," Meyer said, as ashes fell like snow upon a shattered world that would take many years to rebuild, but not as long as it would take to rebuild Michigan's football program.
THE END
CLEVELAND BROWNS ANNOUNCE NEW "KID FRIENDLY" MASCOT
Only a week after the Cleveland Indians announced their plans to retire the controversial Chief Wahoo mascot and go down a different path, the Cleveland Browns have also announced changes. Their new mascot "Doggo Brown" is supposed to attract younger fans to Browns games, as well as represent the learned helplessness and nihilistic worldview adopted by many Browns fans in the last several years.
The Browns will hold open auditions for the position of the mascot in early March.
