ALEX GRINCH PROMISES OHIO STATE DEFENSE WILL ‘FIGHT LIKE PIRATES’
As the most recent hire for the Ohio State football coaching staff and their first 10th assistant, former Washington State DC Alex Grinch comes to Columbus with not a small degree of hype. The fires of fan expectation are only certain to be stoked further after his recent announcement that he would change the culture of the Ohio State defense, promising that the Ohio State defense would “fight like pirates.”
Having studied under world-renowned pirate expert Mike Leach while at Washington State, Grinch will bring with him a number of pirate-inspired strategies and methods certain to strengthen what has already been a consistently elite defensive unit under Greg Schiano. Among the piratical tactics Grinch floated at his recent press conference was swinging into the line of scrimmage on ropes, using cannonades of grapeshot to “soften up” opposing offensive lines, and kidnapping opposing players and coaches’ loved ones to stage dramatic plank-walking ceremonies.
“What kind of wide receiver is going to get separation while his girlfriend or mom is looking down into the mouths of a dozen hungry sharks?” Grinch asked, “Nobody, that’s who.”
KIM JONG UN ACCEPTS MICHIGAN HEAD COACHING POSITION, HARBAUGH TO TAKE OVER FAMILY FEUD
After this morning’s shocking announcement that Michigan football had parted ways with certified genius and milk-enthusiast Jim “Jimothy” Harbaugh, the Michigan athletics department may have landed the hire of the offseason when not three hours later it was announced that former Pyongyang University athletics director and Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un had accepted a $50 million, 5-year deal with the University of Michigan. Kim Jong Un is best known for his impressive work building up North Korea’s nuclear arsenal, his creative management style (such as feeding rebellious uncles to dogs), and for his sterling leadership in helping guide Pyongyang University to a 18-0 season which culminated in a 91-3 beatdown of Brady Hoke’s Tennessee Volunteers in the Pyongyang Bowl.
Meanwhile, Jim Harbaugh it seems has already landed on his feet, taking over as host of the wildly popular daytime gameshow Family Feud, slotting in for Steve Harvey who announced earlier today that he was leaving the show to take over as Supreme Leader of North Korea. We at the editorial board can only wish the best of luck to all three men in their new endeavors.
JT BARRETT LOOKS FORWARD TO FUTURE AS ACTOR IN FAST & FURIOUS 17
Amid continued speculation whether he has a future as an NFL quarterback, Ohio State senior quarterback JT Barrett seemed upbeat when talking to reporters. When asked if he thought he’d get drafted, Barrett it didn’t matter much, and that while he’d be happy if he was, he’d accomplished enough in his four years at Ohio State that he could be content if this was the end of his gridiron career. Perhaps it was the recent news that he had been cast in a major role in the upcoming action film Fast & Furious 17 Boca Raton Blitz (due to be released in 2028).
“I have no acting experience whatsoever,” Barrett admitted. “And I don’t really recall auditioning for that movie or any movie, but I’m thrilled to get my chance on the big screen.”
He added that he would have almost a decade to hone his acting craft, vowing that by the time the movie starts shooting he will be “the greatest actor ever ever.”
