WILSON WAS PREPARED TO COMMITT SEPPUKU AFTER FAILURE TO SCORE 69 POINTS
As reported during the offseason, first year Ohio State offensive coordinator Kevin Wilson came into Columbus with some lofty promises, namely that he would lead the Buckeyes offense to score 69 points every game. Unfortunately, despite boasting an improved offense (particularly in the passing game), Ohio State failed to hit the 69 point mark even once. Part of the original promise was that if Wilson failed to meet his set mark even once, he would eat a pie made from cool whip, listerine, and cloves. However, given the—in his own words—“spectacular failure” of his offense this season, Wilson elected a sterner path, and as of this morning announced that he would salvage what honor he had left by resorting to the ancient samurai rite of ritual disembowelment: seppuku.
Luckily for the Ohio State offense however, head coach Urban Meyer was able to convince Wilson to stay his hand at least until the end of the USC game, giving him one last chance to put 69 points on the board against a less than elite USC defense.
OHIO STATE’S 2018 OOC SCHEDULE REVISED (GRAPHIC)
BRET BIELEMA LEADS PYONGYANG UNIVERSITY TO 91-3 ROUT OF BRADY HOKE’S TENNESSEE—IS GOOD AT COACHING
Celebrating shirtless and joining athletic director Kim Jong Un for a kegstand in the Pyongyang University locker room after the game, former Arkansas head coach and noted “cool guy to hang around” Bret Bertwell Bielema declared to an awestruck gaggle of reporter (singular) that the keys to his Pyongyang University Dragons’ throttling of the Tennessee Volunteers were dominant line play, sound playcalling, and a seven man advantage for most of the game.
The game began auspiciously for Brady Hoke’s Volunteers, who drove seventy yards on their opening possession and scored a field goal. However, momentum soon shifted, as mysterious gunshot injuries decimated Tennessee’s depth at most positions. The Pyongyang Dragons, led by star tailback Dennis Rodman and dynamic quarterback Joo-Yeung Pak, scored a blistering 35 points in the first half, even though Rodman was sidelined with a hip injury after the first quarter, and even though Pak was only allowed 3 re-throws. In the second half the bottom fell out for Tennessee, as they were down to a defensive line consisting of walk-on kickers and assistant coaches, and the Pyongyang Dragons’ offensive line were afforded free reign, allowing Bielema to execute his favored offensive plays: running up the middle and throwing the ball really hard toward the endzone.
When the clock ticked to zero, chants of “We want Bama” resounded from the stands as hundreds of North Korean soldiers fired their rifles skyward, downing at least one helicopter in the process.
After such a performance, it’s hard not to think that Bielama will be a name in high demand in the coaching carousel.
