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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 12/14

+14 HS
MiamiBuckeye's picture
December 14, 2017 at 11:18pm
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LOL so my car broke down again today an hour shy of Niceville after I'd driven 8 hours and this time it might be for good--sounds like the engine popped a rod. $460 to tow my car to Niceville and now I have to figure out if I'm going to get it fixed or just get a new car.

Anyway, here's this week's roundup.

ED SHEERAN SERVING AS SCOUT TEAM’S SAM DARNOLD FOR BUCKEYES

In preparation for facing the USC Trojans on December 29th in the Cotton Bowl, the Ohio State Buckeyes have taken the unusual step of simulating standout USC quarterback and probable first-rounder Sam Darnold with Scottish musician Ed Sheeran. While Ed Sheeran has none of Darnold’s arm strength or ability to make plays with his feet, he does have—like Darnold—a very oddly shaped babyface that many would describe as punchable.

“It’s been great for practice,” head coach Urban Meyer said. “Every guy on the D-line hates Sheeran’s music, so for them to mentally associate him with Sam Darnold is going to give us a huge psychological edge.”

According to the coach staff, the pass rush unit has excelled in drills against Sheeran’s scout team. Nick Bosa especially has taken the exercise to heart, allegedly yelling at Sheeran “My arms are screaming at me to hurt you!” before sacking the Grammy award winning singer-songwriter during one blitz drill.

MEYER CAPTURES CAMERAMAN WHO INJURED BARRETT, FORCES HIM TO WATCH EDDIE MURPHY MOVIES

After quarterback JT Barrett was injured during the Ohio State-Michigan tilt in Ann Arbor in November, head coach Urban Meyer vowed that Ohio State would launch a thorough investigation to identify the culprit. According to reports from insiders within the Ohio State football program, the investigation was successful, and Meyer has apprehended his man.

The camera man, whose name is unknown, was evidently taken into custody by the Ohio State coaching staff and brought to a secluded cabin in the woods fifty miles outside of Columbus, where he was strapped down to a chair in front of a movie projector. According to the insider, the cameraman was subjected to the Ludovico Treatment (as seen in the film A Clockwork Orange). In this process, the cameraman’s eyes were kept open by mechanical means, while he was given a stimulant intravenously to keep him awake, while on the projector in front of him every single movie in Eddie Murphy’s filmography plays on a loop.

“Sure, it isn’t so bad at first,” the insider said. “He sees Trading Places and Coming to America and thinks ‘I can do this, this isn't so bad.' He gets through the Beverly Hills Cop movies and then even Dr. Doolittle isn't so bad, but what about when he comes to the Nutty Professor movies? What about Norbit? What about Pluto Nash? Nothing like sanity can survive that."

 TENNESSEE ACCEPTS INVITATION TO PLAY PYONGYANG UNIVERSITY IN “SUPREME LEADER BOWL”

Despite finishing an abysmal 4-8 and thus not being eligible for the postseason, Tennessee football will still go bowling, after receiving an unexpected bowl offer from from North Korea. Interim Tennessee head coach Brady Hoke says he's excited to lead his team to Pyongyang to play against the Pyongyang University Dragons, coached by none other than former Wisconsin and Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema. According to the North Korean ministry of information, the Dragons finished their season with a 17-0 record. In a comparison of the statistics of each program, Tennessee's passing offense ranked 106 while Pyongyang ranked as "so many yards." For rushing offense, Tennessee ranked 114, while Pyongyang ranked as "all the yards."

 

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