NICK SABAN BLACKMAILED KIRBY HOLCUTT--REPORT
Note: the current report is unconfirmed, but if it is confirmed, it may upset the current College Football Playoff order.
Earlier today allegations surfaced on multiple news platforms across the internet that Alabama head coach Nick Saban had managed to buy Alabama's way into the playoff despite them not even competing for the SEC title this season over Big Ten champion Ohio State. The means of his persuasion allegedly came in the form of nude photos of Playoff Committee head Kirby Holcutt, engaged in unspecified but presumed gruesome and titillating activities.
Where Saban acquired these compromising photos, but it's a safe guess that he got them from noted possessor of nude photos of everyone, including you, reader: Iowa head coach Kirk "Action Bastard" Ferentz. It is believed that in exchange for the photos, Saban may have agreed to lend star tailback Bo Scarborough to the Iowa Hawkeyes for their bowl game against Boston College, where he would play under the pseudonym "Lance Uppercut."
We will keep you posted as this story develops.
BREAKING: MANTI TE'O'S EX-GIRLFRIEND ACCEPTS HEAD COACHING POSITION AT UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE
After a long, arduous, and at times hilarious coaching search that turned up many false positives, cost the job of Tennessee AD John Currie, and nearly ruined the reputations of several figures in the college football world, the University of Tennessee has announced that at last they've found their replacement for Butch Jones in Manti Te'o's ex-girlfriend.
While she has absolutely no head coaching experience, football fans may remember her for the scandal regarding her non-existence that derailed Manti Te'o's Heisman campaign in 2012 (yes, that was a thing), as well as for her incredible strip sack of Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston during the 2014 Rose Bowl:
Whether she proves successful or not, Tennessee must be praised for not only appointing the first ever female head coach of an FBS program, but also the first non matter-based lifeform.
