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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 11/30

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November 30, 2017 at 2:54pm
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OHIO STATE TO START WALK-ON QB VS WISCONSIN—“CARDALINHO.”
 

Amid speculation whether he would choose to start JT Barrett or backup Dwayne Haskins vs Wisconsin after Barrett’s injury scare with a torn meniscus, head coach Urban Meyer has stunned fans and pundits alike by announcing that the job would go to a previously unheard of 5th string quarterback, a walk-on hailing from Brazil named Cardalinho. Standing at 6’5” and with a cannon for an arm, Cardalinho offers a deep threat passing ability that Barrett lacks and a disarming smile that Dwayne Haskins could never hope to possess.

Asked about Cardalinho’s uncanny resemblance to former Ohio State quarterback Cardale Jones (who helped the Buckeyes demolish Wisconsin in the 2014 Big Ten Championship game), Urban Meyer played down the resemblance and suggested that those making the comparison were ignoring the fact that Cardalinho sports an impressive, bushy mustache and talks with a pirate accent, both of which would not apply to Cardale Jones.

MARK DANTONIO YELLS AT CLOUD
 

Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio has a lot to be happy about after rescuing his program from the brink of ruin by bouncing back from last year’s disappointing 3-9 campaign to finish the regular season 9-3. However despite his success, Dantonio was spotted in the streets of East Lansing yelling at a cloud, for the seventh time in a month.

According to eye witnesses, Coach Dantonio blamed the cloud for his team’s poor performances against Notre Dame and Ohio State, and furthermore asserted that nitrogen, the element which comprises the majority of Earth’s atmosphere, is part of a conspiracy hatched by a sinister cabal of something called the “Space Irish.”

When approached by reporters for comment, Dantonio called them "filthy millennials" and told them all to “get off [his] lawn” and told them to stop “throwing their skateboards over [his] fence” and “riding their baseballs up and down [his] driveway.”

OHIO STATE FOOTBALL PREVIEWS ALTERNATE UNIFORMS FOR NEXT SEASON

After the success of this year’s “land of the wolves” theme in motivating the players to play harder and strive for excellence* in all of their games, Urban Meyer has put his psychology degree to work once more and has concocted a new theme for next season: “Welcome to Hell.” As part of the theme, Urban Meyer will be blasting the heavy-metal-inspired soundtrack to the hit 2016 video game “DOOM” (see example) during all practice sessions, will be burning sulfur in the locker rooms, and will carry a pitchfork around while putting the players through drills. But the culmination of this theme will be in the special one-off alternate jerseys Ohio State plans to wear next year when Nebraska visits the horseshoe. Those alternate jerseys can be seen in the photo above (pitchfork not necessarily included, pending a review by the NCAA rules committee).

*Some restrictions applied [Iowa]

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