Just remember everyone, this is all in good fun. Might turn this into a semi-regular series, but we'll see.

2017 VARIANT JERSEYS REVEALED

Thanks to a leak from the OSU athletics department, we now have a clear look at the design of next season's one-off uniforms, to be worn during the home game against Penn State.

In an internal memo, the athletics department proclaimed them the "ultimate throwbacks," memorials to the humble beginnings of football in late 18th century England where poets addicted to laudanum would pass their idle hours kicking bricks at passersby.

Whether the accompanying helmets will feature stickers has yet to be determined.

 URBAN MEYER MOVING TO BUNDESLIGA?

 

Buckeye fans were in for a massive shock this morning when Coach Urban Meyer admitted that he was in talks with the management of German soccer club Bayer Leverkusen to take over as the floundering club's new manager after the firing of Bruno Labbadia. When pressed by German media as to why the management was considering a candidate who had zero experience coaching in the sport, owners Bayer released a statement that declared that Meyer's success transcended any one sport, and that they believed his personality was a perfect fit for their club culture.

From their statement (translated from German): "If you look at his face, [Urban Meyer] exudes the industrious, quiet, and humble energy so valued in the Ruhr Valley. You look at him and you can't help but think 'There's a man who can extract immense satisfaction from sitting in his kitchen on a rainy afternoon, watching a stale heel of dark bread softening in a steaming mug of mulled wine.'"

When asked why he was considering the move, Meyer admitted that he was bored of success at Ohio State, and that he couldn't imagine coaching soccer to be that difficult, opining that it would be like "coaching a team of eleven kickers," and furthermore that "[he has] always had great relationships with [his] special teams."

It should be noted that Urban Meyer was not the first American football coach that Bayer approached about the job, as they were first interested in super-coach Kirk Ferentz, however they backed out of talks when they discovered that as of Ferentz's most recent biweekly contract extension and payraise, the University of Iowa set his buyout clause at 1.5 billion USD.

TATE MARTELL SHRINKING

Buckeye fans have long wrung their hands in consternation at the height of their next quarterback option, Tate Martell, who stands at a lilliputian 5'11". These fears may only grow (no pun intended, or perhaps even made) after reports that as of his most recent measurement by the Ohio State athletics staff he now measures at approximately 5'10" and one half inch.

When asked for comment, Tate Martell was upbeat about his chances of winning the starting quarterback job in 2018 despite his gnomish height, saying: "Well, I always believed that I was tall enough if my feet could reach the ground."

UPDATE: As of this afternoon, the Martell household reported that Tate's left leg, which is half an inch shorter than the right, no longer makes contact with the Earth.