Monday Skull Session

By D.J. Byrnes on November 7, 2011 at 5:00 am

I told y'alll on Thursday: our reality is simply Leslie Miles' dream sequence. He owns everybody's soul. He even ventured into the pits of Hell and kicked the Devil's ass and repossessed Nick Saban's. And anybody saying the LSU-Alabama game wasn't exciting didn't really watch the game and/or is simply a hater. At least the low score line (which was all done via five #TresselFieldGoals sprinkled over four quarters and an overtime) had to do with both defenses being made up of beasts and not total inept offensive play, like the Big Ten.

I have gone back-and-forth on Ohio State's coaching situation so many times, but I'm now issuing a trusty #djbyrnesflipflop on this matter. After being convinced Gordon Gee stick it to the NCAA and re-hire Jim Tressel (or his leather jacket-bound, Wario-like Evil Twin Brother), I am now shifting the efforts of my bulstorous sphere of influence behind the Les-Miles-to-OSU swagwagon. I will be making calls to all the earth-shakers behind The Ohio State University to see if I can make this happen. (R U OUT THERE, MR. WEXNER!!? IT'S ME, A GUY WITH A KEYBOARD!!!!)

Sure, The Hatter is a disgusting "Michigan Man," but I'm willing to wager that he's also a Money Man. When Les' coronation is complete this January, it better be Gordon Gee and Gene Smith's Replacement leading a caravan of gold bricks down to the Bayou. After watching Michigan fans melting down on Twitter, I would love nothing more than to watch their reactions to Les Miles, bedecked in Scarlet and Grey, making the Big 10 his personal fiefdom over the next 15 years in semi-retirement.

ON PENN STATE AND BOB RYAN. Look, I'm sure everybody's heard of what's going on at PSU right now. If you want details, you'll have to use Google because they make my stomach churn. If these allegations are true, then heads should roll. I mean that literally too: there should be multiple decapitated heads rolled like bowling balls into the streets of Justice. The wheels are apparently already in motion, as Penn State says athletic director Tim Curley and university official Gary Schultz have "stepped down." I'm no stranger to the crass or offensive joke, but honestly; this matter is beyond that realm. So I'm going to leave that over there and let the American Justice System sort this (alleged) debacle out. And yes, it's time to put an end to Joe Paterno's multi-million dollar charade to an end.

Now, Joe Schad Serious Business Voice aside, I want to address Bob Ryan of The Sports Reporters and The Boston Globe fame. Ryan, an archaic parrot from Boston, seems to think since Joe Paterno took allegations of alleged pedophilia up the chain-of-command, this makes him better than Jim Tressel, who covered up something which wasn't legally wrong. This is the kind of crystalized logic I've come to expect from the crotchety bag of bones who probably still uses a typewriter. (BTW, King Troll Clay Travis says people will be stunned when they read the attorney general's report).To be fair, Bob Ryan later said "it was a poor choice, [but I] just wanted to dig that phony Tressel." I guess that's reasonable. I mean... who here didn't read about this story and immediately think to themselves "How does Jim Tressel fit into all of this?" Of course, the next branch on that Logic Tree is obviously, "What a great vehicle to take a cheap shot at the integrity of a man I've (probably) never personally met.)

Look, I've said -->A LOT <-- of dumb things in my life -- (obvii not on a national stage) -- but how the hell does this connection ever get made in the first place? The thought process behind it stupefies me (and I'm a pretty stupid guy). Though, I must confess: I've never cared for Bob Ryan, his eyebrows, his style or his opinions because they all belong in 1982. I guess it's no coincidence he works at a newspaper.

THE NEXT BANGER IS OREGON-STANFORD. *It's the Eye of the ESPN Hype Machine, shifting its focus to Stanford, California. Craig James rides out on his Nazgul and Kirk Herbstreit on a small pony.* This week, it's the Pac-10's turn to bathe in the national spotlight for what is expected to be the de-facto Pac-10 title game. If Stanford were to win, they would probably be on the inside track to be the sacrificial lamb offered up before LSU on national television in January. If not, people will freak out then people will argue about BCS ratings in the first week of November.


BREAKING: THE BIG TEN SUCKS. ESPN, always known for their in-depth investigations on complex issues, has an article asking where exactly the Legends or the Leaders are in the Big Ten this year. I don't know what has to be done about the state of Big 10 football, but something must be done. Although, after watching the Big Ten mangle the game of football throughout Saturday's afternoon, I'm not sure anything can be done.

Just do what I do when SEC fans' aren't shoving porkgrinds down their gullet anymore and they start rambling about their collegiate football superiority: calmly mention the Big Ten leads the SEC in the only score that matters: Civil Wars.

THE GREATEST RIVALRY IN SPORTS. LSU-Alabama had historic numbers, but more people watched Michigan and Ohio State's "Game of the Century" than LSU's and Alabama's remix. *It's Jim Delaney, adjusting his monocle as he does a mental fist-pump while reading this news over his morning coffee.*

THERE'S A TROLL AFOOT IN THE AP.  Somebody really voted Boise State the #1 team in the country. When this man is brought forth for his round of public shaming, I assume he'll look a little something like this. Although, I hope Boise State does sneak into the national title game just so we can settle this once and for all.

INTRANAT LINKS: Woman realizes she's getting cheated on, heads to Craigslist... Alabama, LOL... Hackers mistake French rugby fansite for German Stock Exchange... Ohio Stadium received five stars, obvii... Parents Telling Their Kids They Ate All Their Halloween Candy...

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