Tuesday Skull Session: Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

By D.J. Byrnes on January 12, 2016 at 4:59 am
January 12th Skull Session

What are the odds hoss4107 and the Tide fan that drank 18 beers before halftime both survived the night with their lives and freedom? I'm putting it at a crisp 5 percent.

It looked like Deshaun Watson prepared a magical elixir, but Nick Saban changed the game with an onside kick call that could one day win his testicles the governorship of Alabama.

The Tide deserved the title, but my salty ass couldn't help but remind my television that Alabama got lucky its championship road didn't go through post-loss Ohio State, a team that actually understands the value of competent special teams play.

Alas, there was one silver lining:

Yes, Meyer appeared on a bevy of ESPN programming yesterday, including the national championship broadcast. Meyer is a television natural, and I hope he sticks around the game that way when he retires from Ohio State in 2065.

Now we begin the death march to Sept. 3, though we'll get a reprieve with the spring game on April 16.

 EZEKIEL ELLIOTT GETS HIS #BRAND. Ezekiel Elliott's team was ready for his ascension to the pros. Elliott released a branded merchandise shop (complete with logo) on Monday. It seems his official tagline is "The Hero in a Half Shirt." 

The site is slick, but of course it wasn't long before somebody pulled out their monocle and "Well, Actually'd" him:

It amuses me this Renaissance Man is under the impression Elliott runs his own website. But hey, he won his million dollars for pointing out the typo and now he's drinking liquor out of hallowed coconuts. He also gets to feel smug about his word knowledge, which is nice. 

 BEST LANDING SPOT FOR DOLO? It's been over a week since Cardale Jones reaffirmed his decision to enter the NFL. The writing seems to be on the wall for the abominable Pittsburgh Steelers to pinch him, but there's another hellacious scenario I hadn't considered.

From NFL Draft analyst Matt Miller:

"[Cardale] can sit behind Tony Romo and you have a good line of quarterback mentors there, not only in Romo but in the head coach there, Jason Garrett, who played quarterback in the NFL. So you have guys who can help develop the quarterback position and there's no rush to play right away."


"He's obviously a tremendous athlete. He can run the ball. He's huge. He has a big arm. But the finer details of quarterbacking, the mechanics, the decision making, the touch, they're not there right now."

The Baltimore Ravens and Arizona Cardinals were also named as possible landing spots.

Miller rated Jones as a fifth to sixth-round pick. I'll be shocked if he falls that far. While I agree with all of Miller's critiques, some QB-hungry franchise (read: all but six NFL teams) will roll the dice since Dolo's drawbacks are coachable.

I'm thirsty for a Buckeye QB to succeed in the NFL. The great Keanu Reeves has the most venerable professional career in my lifetime. 

So consider me on the "Iron King to Arizona" bandwagon. I've rationalized the Browns move to analytics like any addict worth his weight in empty FourLoko cans, but I can't endorse them drafting him without on-the-field results.

 VOTE MATTA, HELP CHARITY. Thad Matta dominated the Coaches' Charity Challenge three years in a row and the organization asked him to sit out a year.

Matta is back in this year's contest, and his charity of choice is once again the Ronald McDonald House Charities of Central Ohio.

The competition is tough, but you can help Matta reclaim his title and help earn Central Ohio earn $100,000 in charity money with a click of the mouse over at votecoachmatta.com.

 GO BUCKS! Folks, allow me to play this one straight: I don't know anything about this video beyond that it appears to be a drunken bro pushing a drunken, wheelchair-riding bro into a garage door before, during, or after an Ohio State game.

Audio warning: Some profanity.

Going to guess those guys won't get their deposit back in the spring.

 THOSE WMDs. Marketers leaning on CFP to move New Year's Eve semifinals... Corrupt bowl exec John Junker is out of prison... Raw footage of El Chapo's apprehension... Columbus emerges as major fashion hub... The lawyer who became DuPont's worst nightmare.

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