This week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS:
- Guy Fieri throwing signed Leaned Cuisines to fans.
- Guinness Book of World Records: Most shirts worn at one time.
- HILARIOUS VIDEO ACCIDENTS 2013.
THE PERILS OF CROWN ROYAL. The 1:50 outtake of the dashcam video from J.T. Barrett's arrest made the rounds yesterday.
Our industrious reporter @EricSeger33 (who you should follow) pulled the rest of the tape, in which we learn J.T. Barrett drinks Crown Royal:
(It appears running over a curb as you're being pulled over on suspicion of fleeing a D.U.I. checkpoint isn't a power move, folks.)
The "I'm the quarterback at Ohio State" line isn't a great look, but it's human nature to play every card available in pursuit of staying out of handcuffs. The gambit didn't work for Barrett, but it's not like he was belligerent or disrespectful. I'd be more shocked if he didn't play that card.
The hot mic catching Barrett cussing himself in the car makes for quite the anti-drunk driving PSA. That's the sound of a man realizing he's jeopardized his hard work. Don't jeopardize your hard work, kids.
ZEKE'S LIVING THE DREAM. Remember yesterday when I mentioned Ezekiel Elliott treated the Slobs to a meal at Hyde Park? Well, Pete Thamel got a number on that bill: $432.59, which is light considering it fed six men weighing around 1,700 pounds.
For Elliott, it's part of a rockstar lifestyle to which not many peers can relate.
The Uber SUV idled outside the Hilton Anatole in Dallas after the national championship game last January. Elliott, fresh off blasting through Oregon for 246 yards, encountered greater resistance trying to get through the hotel lobby. As he and three friends pushed through the crowd, a Buckeyes fan in his mid-30s pursued them with a picture to sign. When Elliott refused, the fan hopped on the hood and slipped the photo through the driver's window. He slid off as they left with the picture. "It was at that point," says Alvarez Jackson, Elliott's best friend, "where I'm like, Wow. It's that serious."
The only middle-aged men chasing me and trying to get me to sign things at that age were law enforcement and bill collectors. And I'd much rather deal with either of those groups than a deliriously entitled middle-aged man. (Show some damn decorum, people.)
After the three-game postseason run to stardom—696 yards combined against Wisconsin, Alabama and Oregon—Elliott's excursions in Columbus turned into a social media bonanza. Elliott says he didn't go out more than he had previously, just that more people recognized him. Like many coaches, Meyer has spies tracking happy hour and last call, and the intelligence from the field led to three or four meetings with Elliott and his father, which Meyer admits "was probably me overreacting." Stacy recalls Meyer saying in one, "I will not allow someone who is an excessive drinker to be a leader of this team. Ezekiel, you might be the best player I've ever coached, but you're not yet. Don't ever forget you got here because you're a grinder."
It became the job of strength coach Mickey Marotti to keep Elliott grounded. Outside the window of Ohio State's weight room is a picture from the 2015 ESPYs of Elliott, linebacker Joshua Perry and receiver Braxton Miller in suits. Marotti recalls the way entitlement and off-field issues had undermined Meyer's teams at Florida. "It makes me sick to my stomach," Marotti says of the ESPYs picture. "Because I know what happened down [in Gainesville]. I just—that little stuff bugs me, man." To keep all the Buckeyes, and especially Elliott, from the same fate, Marotti stayed "up his ass" every day.
The ego is inseparable from the human existence. Sure, middle-aged men (it's always middle-aged men) can get online and rant about "humbleness" and "privilege" all they want, but the fact is few could deal with that kind of celebrity at that age.
Running wild on Oregon on national television sounds great until a 42-year-old dipshit flops onto your Über SUV's windshield like a beached whale. Who wants to deal with that kind of asshattery on a regular basis? Not a sane man, surely.
OHIO STATE FOOTBALL: WE'RE A COORS HOUSEHOLD, SON. After much ado about the thread of society and the dangers of alcohol, Ohio State introduced alcohol sales to the Horseshoe this season and is bringing expanded alcohol service to the Schottenstein this winter.
But it's also getting back into the beer advertising game, something Andy Geiger swore off after the alcohol-fueled riots following Ohio State's 2002 championship. (Ah, simpler times.)
Former OSU athletic director Andy Geiger at the time called it “hypocritical for college athletics to decry the negative impact of alcohol while accepting millions in advertising revenues from beer companies.”
More than a decade later, however, the taps are dripping back open.
In a move that has evoked double takes across the state, billboards and store displays are popping up that all but declare Coors Light as the preferred beer of Buckeyes football.
Coors Light, the official beer, eh? It ain't no Landgrant Stiff-Arm IPA (the official beer of the Skull Session), but I suppose the official beer of Buckeye football could be worse.
On the corner of Monroe Street and North Huron Street in downtown Toledo, a new Coors Light billboard features the trademarked Ohio State logo, along with the message, “The Silver Bullet” — the well-known nickname for both the beer and Buckeyes’ defense.
Oh. Yeah, that may be worse.
It's odd there's a "preferred beer" of a football team mostly comprised of players who can't legally drink.
Some will say, "Oh, there goes that dipshit riding through town on his high horse rambling about amateurism." First of all, I love my high horse; it's only second to my my three beautiful cats. Secondly, is it me rambling or is it schools keep injecting steroids into the 800-pound elephant in the room?
Either way, just remember: Ohio State may lead you to the frothing oasis of cold Rocky beer and half-naked women, but they are not responsible for anything that happens after you step off the Silver Bullet.
BIG DAY FOR OSU ATHLETICS The No.1-seeded Ohio State men's soccer team hosts No. 4 Rutgers this afternoon at 1 p.m. in Big Ten tournament semi-final action. The game will be broadcast on BTN. The winner plays the winner of No. 2 Indiana/No. 3 Maryland on Sunday in the championship.
Here's a preview, in which a Rutgers athletic team is referred to as "really good:"
Tickets are $8 for adult, $5 for youth/student and free for current OSU students with a BuckID. Parking is free.
The No. 5 (and reigning world champion) Wrestlebucks will host Virginia at 6:30 p.m. Curt will be through around 10:30 will your full breakdown.
The No. 6 Ohio State women's basketball team plays at No. 2 South Carolina at 7:00 p.m. It features two preseason All-Americans, Ohio State sophomore Kelsey Mitchell and South Carolina senior guard Tiffany Mitchell. The game will be broadcast on the SEC Network. Kevin will be through during the lunch hour with a full breakdown.
THOSE WMDs. Support the 11W Movember team... Support Chad Charr... Poland's crooked forest... Ex-Ethiopian emperor's watch pulled from Christie's sale in dispute... Drugs once convinced Johnny Cash he was Native American... Uncle Drew (with Ray Allen) is back... Breaking Bad's tyvek suits rest in the Smithsonian... I paid a company $35 to break up with my girlfriend.