Note: "Get dumped then" is a standby in the Marionaire trash-talking lexicon. If I'm using it in the warlock sense — as I did in order to single-handily spur Ohio State to the 2014 national title — it will be in the headline of the dang article.
The Cavs will beat the Warriors. I said five games on Twitter, but I was drinking an IPA. I'm going with Cavs in six. Cavs can put LeBron on Steph Curry in crunch time, and defense > offense.
There is only one team that gets the "Get Dumped Then, [Opponent School]" headline, and when Ohio State runs the table this fall, I expect to wake up with over $1,000,000 in my PayPal account from my blood riders in Buckeye Nation. I'll take it to Vegas and put $900,000 on Ohio State to win the 2016 title. (Dubgate VII is about to be lit.)
So go ahead and set it in stone. The September 7th Skull Session headline will be, "LABOR DAY SKULL SESSION: GET DUMPED THEN, VIRGINIA TECH." We'll find out how deep my arcane powers run by the early hours of September 8th.
This week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS:
OHIO STATE'S MOST INDISPENSABLE. Who's Ohio State's most indispensable player? It's a question raised by Austin Ward of ESPN.com in his latest article.
Here are his parameters:
The goal is to identify players who would be hardest to replace between now and the start of the season if they suffered an injury, were lost to suspension, abducted by an alien, etc. Whether it’s from a particular player’s individual value or lack of depth at a position, we’re picking two guys from each team that fit the bill -- usually offense and defense, but not always..
It's hard to argue with his decision:
LT Taylor Decker: There are talented spare parts just laying around at nearly every position on perhaps the most loaded offense in the country, but Urban Meyer’s attack is built on the foundation up front and replacing the anchor of the offensive line if something happened to Decker would be a tremendous challenge. Not only has the senior emerged as one of the most physical, nasty blockers in the country, but he’s also an invaluable leader who has become a spokesman outside the locker room and a model teammate inside of it. The spotlight shines brighter on the quarterbacks, running back Ezekiel Elliott and a game-breaking receiver like Michael Thomas, but with little other experience at tackle behind Decker, he is unquestionably the player the high-flying Buckeyes can least afford to lose.
If Decker — Warren G. Harding forbid — did miss some time, I'm not sure what they'd do. Slide Chase Farris — the de facto RT — over? Or just throw our young friend, Happy Jamarco, into the fire pits? He was the No. 2 LT on the depth charts last year, after all. I'd guess Jamarco would get the nod.
Decker is the top of Slob totem pole though, even if that goes against Slob policy to acknowledge. Losing him would mean a reshuffling of the deck, and recalibration might take time. It's one thing if calamity strikes early in the season... but what if it's in the fourth quarter against Michigan State?
Plus, an unstable offensive line would hurt Cardale Jones' game the most...
This is why I hate the offseason. It leads to wormholes filled with nothing but darkness and anxiety. Let's move on.
R.I.P. SAM HUBBARD. Sam Hubbard's Ohio State football career started exactly where it ended: On a dodgeball court.
It's a shame Hubbard, OSU's one-time Swiss Army knife, is now dead. R.I.P to Sam Hubbard, who would've been an extremely good player had he not been cut down at such a young age.
From Ohio State's Champions Club summit:
That maniacal, slow-mo laugh at the end is how I imagine Happy Jamarco's chuckle, but it's also how I laughed at that video. I am 28-years-old, and I should be in put into a cage.
THE PASSION OF ROYALDALE. It's been a busy year for the Iron King, Cardale Jones, First of His Name, Poacher of Badgers, Controller of Tides, Slayer of Ducks, Troll Sultan, and 12th Son of Ohio.
He immortalized himself in Columbus, did some charity work, appeared at Cavs games, feuded with Joakhim Noah, shadowed at Chase Bank, appeared on an ESPN Magazine cover, and will throw out the first pitch at a Tribe game next week. You know, typical college stuff.
Let's not get it twisted, I haven't proved ANYTHING, what I wanna do, where I wanna go, much room for improvement, no time for days off— Cardale Jones (@CJ12_) May 28, 2015
It's remarkable how well Cardale Jones transitioned to his overnight stardom. Sure, maybe threatening to whip Joakim Noah's ass wasn't the most becoming thing in the world, but I think Dale's earned some slack.
And it's not like the good King must grind anymore anyway. As long as he doesn't murder a grandma or get caught selling crank to middle schoolers, he's already earned lifetime employment in Ohio. A lot of guys would be satisfied with that for the pinnacle of their sports career.
BUCKS COMING FOR THAT CUP. Don't look now but Ohio State is making a late run for The Director's Cup.
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Ohio State has moved up to fifth in the first set of Learfield Sports Directors' Cup spring standings were released Thursday. The Buckeyes posted a fifth-place finish in men's lacrosse, a ninth-place finish in men's tennis and ranked 17th in women's lacrosse.
Stanford currently leads the standings followed by North Carolina, Penn State, UCLA and Ohio State.
The good news is the two-time national defending women's rowing team is on deck. GET HYPE:
YOUNG OSU ATHLETE-ACADEMICS LEAD THE WAY. Sure, Ohio State student-athletes receive a lot of academic support, but I'm always impressed with anyone who maintains a school and athletic career at the same time. For some reason, some people think it's a cakewalk. It's not.
From an Ohio State release:
COLUMBUS, Ohio - Ohio State had a league-high 166 placed on the Academic All-Big Ten team for spring and at-large sports, the Big Ten Conference announced Thursday. In all, 1,447 spring and at-large sports student-athletes from around the conference were recognized.
To be eligible for Academic All-Big Ten selection, student-athletes must be letterwinners who are in at least their second academic year at their institution and carry a cumulative grade-point average (GPA) of 3.0 or higher.
Ohio State junior Minori Minagawa of the women's track and field team was one of 13 spring and at-large student athletes in the conference to maintain an unblemished cumulative grade-point average.
The full list of OSU scholar-athletes can be viewed here.
THOSE WMDs. Justice served in the City of Kings... Inside a Giant Dark-Web Scheme to Sell Counterfeit Coupons... MIT cheetah robot lands the running jump... The Tempescope is an Ambient Weather Device that Simulates the Forecast on Your Desktop... U.S. Special Forces are Experimenting with Bug Drones... What It’s Like To Fall In Love With A Woman Who Doesn’t Exist.