The Situational: All Falls Down

That's Ohio State's longest home futility gap against any Big Ten foe in, oh who the fuck even cares. It's probably Michigan or Illinois under John Cooper, or Wisconsin under Earle Bruce before that, but knowing the precise answer isn't going to magically cause a Buckeye linebacker or safety to adequately cover a tight end in 2017.

Apologies. Still covered in blood and corn from Saturday. You must understand.

Ten years ago the Buckeyes were up 24-0 and then handed the Spartan defense two touchdowns before escaping 24-17. Two years earlier Sparty gave the Bucks a gift. Jim Tressel was the beneficiary. Urban Meyer has bested every Big Ten team inside Ohio Stadium except for one.

That one. Those guys. Coached by the only other active capo with an Ohio State national championship ring.

When Ohio State last beat Sparty in Ohio Stadium, Twitter and Eleven Warriors were both one year old. Michigan was coming off of having played in a Rose Bowl (!) while Urban was in his first season at Florida. If you said Iowa Massacre two seasons earlier people would have immediately thought of Drew Tate putting the Hawkeyes up 30-0 in 2004 before the hapless Buckeyes spoiled the shutout in garbage time. 

Ohio State's 2004 losing streak was so bad Neutron Man literally died during it.

That ambush in Iowa City capped a three-game stumble. It was so bad Neutron Man literally died during it. We knew the 2004 Buckeyes were in some trouble when they entered Iowa City off two straight losses. We had no idea the 2017 Buckeyes were going to take an even worse beating on that field.

The last time I saw Iowa as a weapon of mass destruction was in the now-extinct Freedom Bowl. Iowa's scoring output in the five games leading into that D-list postseason clash: 24, 10, 16, 17, 17 - so of course the Hawkeyes flew into Anaheim and promptly dropped 55 on the 19th-ranked Texas Longhorns. A double-nickel, just like Saturday. History always repeats itself.

But it made no sense at all 33 years ago just like it makes no sense 33 years later. Jones' autopsy illustrated in gruesome fashion how 55 was practically inevitable, but that doesn't make Ohio State's preparation for that game any less senseless. Fortunately, the Spartans and their unbeaten streak in the Horseshoe are next up. Wonderful.

They haven't taken an L in Columbus in 10 years. Senseless. Let's get Situational.

THE BEDSHITTING

© Jeffrey Becker | USAT Sports

In the previous episode of the Situational we discussed how J.T. Barrett tends to become both Ohio State's primary ballcarrier and Urban's security blanket against tough opponents.

Let's update that chart!

The Iowa stats include Antonio Williams' four garbage time carries, so once again - Ohio State optioned itself into a JTBIV Keeper Festival in a loss. Put another way, Iowa committed to erasing every better option and turned the Buckeyes into a 4 and 5-star QB Sneak Offense, while the playcalling philosophy went unadjusted, leaving J.K. Dobbins largely ignored.

Dobbins finished with 51 yards on just six carries. That's 8.5 per touch, which isn't quite as egregious as last season when Curtis Samuel carried the ball two times at Penn State for 81 yards, or [pick a game from the chart above - reader's choice!]. Ohio State's defense was helpless against Iowa's offense, and the Buckeyes could have done something to keep it off the field while Greg Schiano attempted to extinguish the fires.

Any ideas on how to chill a hot offense? Because Ohio State has at least one way to do that, and it had 8.5 yards per carry with exactly one touch on 3rd down Saturday. The Buckeyes began the 2nd half with three straight 3-and-outs and then a 2-and-out. Iowa's offense roared white-hot as it barely left the field, as the JTBIV Keeper Festival graciously provided all the gasoline the Hawkeyes needed to keep burning.

Offense failed. Defense failed. Special teams were...exquisite. It would be nice to get the practices and priorities which followed the Penn State game back for a do-over, but alas time only moves in one direction.

That was as bad of a coaching display as we've seen since Jim Bollman was dialing up Ohio State's strategy. What's worse is that unlike the Walrus era it happened on both sides of the ball. It's difficult to remember a precedent. Let's not.

THE TAILGATE

Hey, did you know that people with Down Syndrome are practically immune to solid mass tumors?

It’s both fascinating and still not entirely understood. Down Syndrome itself doesn’t have a treatment. Well, there's abortion. That’s how DS is generally “treated" once it's diagnosed in utero. Columbus-based DownSyndrome Achieves advances Down Syndrome research, which is barely funded elsewhere since you can “cure” DS before it becomes a “problem."

We can learn a lot from people with DS. They might even be able to help us kick cancer’s ass. They seem to be pretty good at it. That's why you should come tailgate with Eleven Warriors on Saturday before the Buckeyes take on the Spartans. There are other reasons too.

Mojo Tago will be there making tacos. Sweet Water Brewing is pouring breakfast beers and Insomnia Cookies is sending over dessert. Melt is sending over gift cards, Eleven Warriors is bringing stadium cups and Dry Goods to give away and there will be sweet Dubgate t-shirts as well. Every dime we collect goes to DownSyndrome Achieves.

All the information you need - location, donation, details - is here. See you Saturday, comrades.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

The Boulevardier. Sophisticated and easy, like you. via

It's colder outside. You may have noticed this. The seasons changing impact how you dress (turtleneck under your Buckeye jersey at work) how you stay awake (pumpkin spice in your coffee) how you sleep (it's darker and cooler longer now, awesome) and, of course, how you drink. Bourbon is situational like the seasons.

One of the pieces of feedback I've gotten from many of you is that the cocktail recipes provided here are often too complex. Some readers aren't into measuring stuff, sourcing obscure ingredients or making simple syrup from scratch. I hear you, friends. Let's combine simplicity and cooler temps to make a Boulevardier.

Boulevardier has a well-known father named Negroni. Negronis were born in Florence right after World War I when victorious Italians needed a fancy new celebratory drink. It's a shot of gin, a shot of sweet vermouth and a shot of Campari. Shot shot shot. You can remember that.

Negronis taste like God's mouthwash, but gin has dangerous volatility so don't ever make an entire pitcher of Negronis thinking you're being "efficient" like some 24 year-old idiot I used to know who has my exact name. One Negroni at a time, *Schwarzenegger voice* if you want to live.

The Boulevardier replaces the gin in a Negroni with the whiskey of your choosing - we'll go with Knob Creek here because 1) Knob has a formidable bite to it, like gin and 2) its distillery promotes Boulevardier's recipe, which means its own bar has reached the same conclusion my palate has - this marriage works. It's easy. It also keeps you warm in the frigid months from the inside out.

Combine the ingredients as listed in an Old Fashioned glass, stir the hell out of them for 15 seconds and then gently lay a cube into the mixture. If you want to add more bourbon than the other two, do it. We just wanted to keep the recipe simple.

By the way, it's pronounced Bull-uh-vard-ee-yay. If that's too complicated, just say Bourbon Negroni. Stay warm.

THE PLAYOFF

I abruptly realized that - while looking back at that beating Drew Tate gave the Buckeyes in 2004 - that blowout is a teenager now. After bouncing off of rock-bottom, Ohio State figured it all out and destroyed the Big Ten champion Wolverines in what is still their most recent conference title, in 2004. So Michigan's glorious drought is a teenager too.

Also a teenager: The College Dropout, and this song from it:

The video is a fascinating combination of celebrity cameos and beautiful nonsense. Kanye accompanies Stacey Dash to the airport and follows her through security all the way to her boarding gate in post-9/11 America. He stops in an empty men's room to rap to a crowd of urinals because a little kid attacked him with mustard in the terminal.

Common is the gate agent. Dash spends the entire video effortlessly running away from Kanye as if she's Akrum Wadley and he's every Buckeye linebacker. Too soon? Hardly.

Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Michigan State. See you at the Dubgate.