The Enemy of the State Classic: The Final Four

By D.J. Byrnes on August 6, 2015 at 9:27 am
The Enemy of the State Classic: The Final Four

Welcome to the Enemy of the State Classic's Final Four, and what a spiteful four it is.

Mark May, who has just eviscerated any foe set in front of him, finds himself up against the tournament's Cinderella: The eighth-seeded Penn State Cultists.

On the other side of the bracket, the apparent most-hated Michigan Man, Desmond Howard, finds himself up against another archvillain, the Southeastern Conference. 

There are no wrong choices here — only hateful ones — so adjust your monocle and get to work. Voting closes at 11 p.m. ET.

No. 1 Mark May vs. no 8 Penn State Cultists

Mark May literally made a career out of being wrong about Ohio State.

After watching his alma mater get butchered like a sacrificial lamb, 72-0, in the Horseshoe, the former Pittsburgh riot-inducer earned true notoriety in 2002 by telling anybody that would listen Ohio State was going to get mollywhopped by Miami.

It would be the first of many bizarre (and wrong) anti-Ohio State comments and predictions May would render as he slithered up the ESPN ladder.

Though he suffered the indignity of a demotion and witnessing Ohio State’s eighth championship, the realities of the world have done little in the past to temper his hatred of the world’s greatest university.

May scored the most decisive victory in Round 1, defeating Matt Hayes, 1,836-52. It was the same story in the Sweet 16, as May triumphed over fellow turd tribesman Clay Travis, 1,639-103. May romped over Pat Forde, 2185-96, in the Elite 8.

Whereas Ohio State exemplifies all of the good of a horde fanbase, Penn State Cultists exemplify all of the bad.

The marks of this beast: Bizarre Joe Paterno worship, incessant searching for their one true rival, ludicrous message board theories, bags of their own urine on their persona, and protected-by-the-masses drunken thuggery. Despite routinely getting evidence to the contrary beat into them, these people still think dressing up in all white when the Buckeyes roll into town somehow affects the game. 

The Cultists upset No. 1-seeded Notre Dame, 761-537, in the first round. Theywarded off No. 4 Nick Saban, 878-840, in the second round. Their Cinderella story continued in the Elite 8 too, as the Cultists took down No. 2-seeded Ed Rife, 1306-937.

No. 3 Desmond Howard vs. no. 5 The SEC

Desmond Howard, a quick-footed running back out of Cleveland St. Joe’s, never took an official visit to Ohio State due to Earl Bruce’s ouster and his not wanting to be a part of a rebuilding program.

After struggling at RB early, Michigan switched Howard to wide receiver, and it made all the difference. In three years in Ann Arbor, the All-American would go 3-0 against Ohio State. In 1991, the year he won the Heisman Trophy, Howard put a punt return dagger through the Buckeyes and then hit the Heisman pose in the endzone.

Not satisfied with his enormities, Howard is now a known Michigan homer for ESPN. He defeated Tim Biakabutuka, 1,385-398 in the first round. In the second round, Howard made quick work of the No. 2-seeded Charles Woodson, 1,310-425. Bo Schembecher, the Michigan Men Region's No. 1, was no match in the third round either, falling to Howard, 1595-633.

College football is cyclical in nature, and conferences enjoy heydays from time to time. The SEC, however, acted as if they invented the sport in 2007.

Alabama (and Urban Meyer’s Florida) did most the heavy lifting, but did this stop Tennessee and South Carolina fans from thumping their chests in pride? Of course not.

The SEC put a stake through the heart of Bo Ryan, 1,240-164, in the first round. America's second-best football conference torched OSU Memorabilia Hawks in the second round, 1,430-310. In the third round, the SEC put the Miami Flag Truthers out of their misery, 1728-526.

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