Writing song parodies is a little hobby of mine, so I thought I would write one about the cheating, lying, sign stealing team up north while we wait for the NCAA to announce the massive sanctions against them.

I think an epic scandal requires an epic song for the parody, so this one is set to the epic "American Pie" by Don McLean, circa 1971. Hard to believe this song is over 50 years old! (but still much younger than the last legitimate full national championship for ttun) Hope you enjoy it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5ecvBaqHBk&list=RDy5ecvBaqHBk&start_radio=1

The Wolverine Lies

A few short years ago
They were just pretenders and were losers
And it made us smile
But a few of them took a chance
That none would give a second glance
And maybe they could win games with their guile
Then one November they delivered
And Buckeye nation had to shiver
How'd we lose to those schleps?
We shouldn't make that misstep!
I can't remember if I cried
When I thought about our wounded pride
Something just seemed so cockeyed
The way the season died

So sly, sly was this cheating most high
Stole the signals with their cameras and continue to lie
They cheat our boys and leave a tear in our eye
Sayin' we're too soft to hang with their guys
That was just the start of their lies

They do hate our Buckeye love
And they do hate when we rise above
If the rankings tell them so
Now do you believe that game control
Can get you in a playoff bowl?
And can you cheat teams from their chance? How low!
Well, we know that you're in love with Jim
"Cause we saw you spyin' with your rims
It's much worse than tattoos
And we dig those CMU views
He was the only pea-brained conning schmuck
With a manifesto and some ticket bucks
And all the teams were out of luck
The day the cheaters spied

They started winning. Spy, spy said the wolverine guy
We can cheat you we can beat you and you'll never know why
It looks like poise but it's our eye in the sky
Singin' this is just the way that we fly
'Cause we're "smarter" than all you guys

Now the Tress years when the Buckeyes owned
And then ol' Urbs, he went seven-oh
And that's how it's supposed to be
When Jim Harbaugh came in to lead their team
With a quote from some old wolverine
And a voice that came from fear of THE
Oh, and while old Jim was doublin' down
The Buckeyes pound him in the ground
The wolverines were burned
Those golden pants were earned
And when oh and five was Harbaugh's mark
His lame team pulled a Covid lark
'Cause lying is his known trademark
They ducked, the cheaters lied

He was sobbin' cry, cry, we just ain't gonna try
We keep losing it's confusing and it's blacking our eye
Them good old days when Coop was losing were fine
Singin' this is just too hard for our guys...
But I have a plan we can try

Helter skelter got a coaches helper
The turds came up with a sign collector
Get seats high and film with staff
The plan was foul and so vast
Identified the tight end screen pass
With the play sheets and the hacked signs they'd amassed
Now at halftime bands were playin' tunes
While their coaches used their cheating tools
Opponents took their stance
Oh, but they never had a chance
'Cause the players covered all the field
The coaches had the signs they'd steal
And all play calls were thus revealed
Your play? We know, we spied

And they were singin', why try gonna spit in your eye
We will cheat you, we will beat you, matter how hard you try
You're good, but boy, you just can't win when we spy
Singin we look like we're really tough guys
But it's all because of our spies

Oh and there we were all on third base
Another loss thrown in our face
And now we have to wait again
Oh, come on! Lost another, makes me sick
It all defies arithmetic
'Cause spying was the cheater's latest trend
Oh and as I watched the games with rage
I know that something just seems strange
Ann Arbor go to hell
And take your coach as well
And as our dreams died out into the night
I felt that something wasn't right
Oh, but now the truth has come to light
You'll pay, you cheating swine

Now we're singing, my, my what a vile enterprise
You were spying, you were lying and you cheated us blind
The only way to fuel your misguided pride
Hoping this would keep your "relevance" live
Only way that you could survive

I met someone who loved the blue
And they only wanted happy news
So I just shrugged and walked away
I thought back to the latest score
And I knew the streak would end at four
'Cause they've been nailed and the cheaters have to pay
And in their tweets, denied the scheme
The bloggers tried, but we know they're reamed
And now the truth's been spoken
Their program will be broken
And the three men I despise most
Jim Harbaugh, Bo and the lowly Yost
The last two dead, the first one boasts
Their ways are nullified

And now we're singin', bye, bye, to the wolverine lies
Went for glamor got the hammer now you're disqualified
Them Buckeye boys are thinkin' they're justified
Singin' all the facts have been verified
Now it's time the cheats pay the price

We're all singin' bye, bye your "success" is denied
You were cheating it was fleeting now you're caught in your lies
You made some noise but in the end you were fried
Singin' this'll be the day that you cry