Enemy of the State Classic: The Elite 8

By D.J. Byrnes on August 5, 2015 at 11:00 am
Enemy of the State Classic, Elite 8

Day 3 of our quest to crown Ohio State's greatest villain rolls on, and folks, it's getting serious.

Is Desmond Howard currently the world's most hated Michigan Man? Is playing a central in Tatgate enough to stop the Penn State Cultists' death train? Or is this simply Mark May's affair to lose? 

Buckle-up, because we're about to find out. Polls close at 11 p.m. ET.

No. 1 Bo Schembechler vs. No. 3 Desmond Howard

Glen Edward “Judas Iscariot” Schembechler played for Woody Hayes at Miami and coached under him at Ohio State before leaving to take his own head coaching jobs at Miami and That Team Up North.

Bo would go onto post a 194–48–5 record at Michigan, including the historic 1969 upset of an undefeated Ohio State in Ann Arbor. Though he would never win a national title in his 21 years leading Big Blue, Schembechler became Woody Hayes’ 10 Year War nemesis, and the de facto Public Enemy No. 1 for a generation of Buckeyes.

Schembechler thumped noted Michigan loser Taylor Lewan in the first round, 1,234-580. He demolished Jim Harbaugh in a similar fashion on the second round, 1,063-653.

Desmond Howard, a quick-footed running back out of Cleveland St. Joe’s, never took an official visit to Ohio State due to Earl Bruce’s ouster and his not wanting to be a part of a rebuilding program.

After struggling at RB early, Michigan switched Howard to wide receiver, and it made all the difference. In three years in Ann Arbor, the All-American would go 3-0 against Ohio State. In 1991, the year he won the Heisman Trophy, Howard put a punt return dagger through the Buckeyes and then hit the Heisman pose in the endzone.

Not satisfied with his enormities, Howard is now a known Michigan homer for ESPN. He defeated Tim Biakabutuka, 1,385-398 in the first round. In the second round, Howard made quick work of the No. 2-seeded Charles Woodson, 1,310-425.

No. 5 The SEC vs. No. 6 Miami Flag Truthers

College football is cyclical in nature, and conferences enjoy heydays from time to time. The SEC, however, acted as if they invented the sport in 2007.

Alabama (and Urban Meyer’s Florida) did most the heavy lifting, but did this stop Tennessee and South Carolina fans from thumping their chests in pride? Of course not.

The SEC put a stake through the heart of Bo Ryan, 1,240-164, in the first round. America's second-best football conference torched OSU Memorabilia Hawks in the second round, 1,430-310.

Miami Flag Truthers are still salty about a correct call that occurred 12 years ago. They will react like a slug to salt when asked about the four second-OT opportunities Miami had to score a touchdown from the two-yard line.

The Truthers defeated Billy Donovan's "Big Three" Florida championship team, 749-639, in the first round. Not done there, the Truthers went onto upset the 2006 Florida Gators, 982-763 in the second round.

No. 1 Mark May vs. No. 6 Pat Forde

Mark May literally made a career out of being wrong about Ohio State.

After watching his alma mater get butchered like a sacrificial lamb, 72-0, in the Horseshoe, the former Pittsburgh riot-inducer earned true notoriety in 2002 by telling anybody that would listen Ohio State was going to get mollywhopped by Miami.

It would be the first of many bizarre (and wrong) anti-Ohio State comments and predictions May would render as he slithered up the ESPN ladder.

Though he suffered the indignity of a demotion and witnessing Ohio State’s eighth championship, the realities of the world have done little in the past to temper his hatred of the world’s greatest university.

May scored the most decisive victory in Round 1, defeating Matt Hayes, 1,836-52. It was the same story in the Sweet 16, as May triumphed over fellow turd tribesman Clay Travis, 1,639-103.

Pat Forde, Yahoo's in-house hot take kibitzer, once wrote this about Urban Meyer after Meyer's 2010 exit from Florida:

If those things are true, and Meyer is ready to enter a rewarding new phase of life as a paternal bleacher creature, watching his three kids play sports, so be it.


But if Meyer suddenly shows up in Denver to coach Tebow, he's a con man of the highest order. If he changes his mind and comes back to Florida before it hires someone else, he's a diva even Favre would disdain. If he takes another job a year from now, his family will know once and for all where it ranks in his personal hierarchy of needs.

His final form is going to be when he's stuffed and mounted as an artifact of the HOT TAKE ERA. Forde defeated investigation bungler George Dohrmann in the first round, 1,153-600. He staved off the hard-charging Dennis Dodd in Round 2, 994-703.

No. 2 Ed RiFe vs. no. 8 Penn State Cultists

Edward Rife, a Columbus-area weed vendor/wannabee tattoo tycoon, was the central figure in the scandal surrounding the Tat Five, and eventually, Jim Tressel’s ouster. Sentenced to 36 months in federal prison for his drug dealing.

Rife has since dumped his Tatgate treasure trove on Craigslist and said he still considers himself an Ohio State fan despite just getting sentenced to hard federal time.

He defeated Rufus the Sucker-Punching Bobcat, 928-362, in the first round. In Round 2, Rife rolled over the Insane 10% of Cincinnati Bearcat Fans, 1,030-675.

Whereas Ohio State exemplifies all of the good of a horde fanbase, Penn State Cultists exemplify all of the bad.

The marks of this beast: Bizarre Joe Paterno worship, incessant searching for their one true rival, ludicrous message board theories, and protected-by-the-masses drunken thuggery. Despite routinely getting evidence to the contrary beat into them, these people still think dressing up in all white when the Buckeyes roll into town somehow affects the game. 

The cultists upset No. 1-seeded Notre Dame, 761-537, in the first round. Their Cinderella story didn't stop there, however, as they warded off No. 4 Nick Saban, 878-840.

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