10 Reasons to Hate Minnesota

By Jake Anderson on October 12, 2018 at 7:25 pm
Minnesota under center against the Bucks at home

The University of Minnesota gets to leave the tundra of the Twin Cities to face off against the Buckeyes in Columbus.

10. Duluth Trading Company

I am sick of those commercials. 

If I am watching a primetime football game on a Saturday night, the absolute last thing I would like to think about in my midsection inside a grinder. Cool, your product provides more ventilation than the leading brand by a slim margin and costs three times as much? No thank you.  

9. Land of Ten Thousand Lakes

Doesn't ten thousand feel a bit excessive? Especially when they are frozen for a quarter of the year?

It feels like a lot of wasted space. During the winter, that is just a lot of space that is 100x more dangerous. The lake area, excluding the Great Lakes, contributes 4.7% of the land area.

Besides, one lake for every 558 people in the state is just overkill. Nobody needs to be on the lake that often.

8. They Stole Antoine Winfield Jr.

The son of Buckeye Legend Antoine Winfield, Winfield Jr. was just a three-star recruit coming out of high school. For Ohio State, three-star recruits are not exactly the preference, but after seeing his ability in just a few games, it is hard to see why Winfield Jr. is not a Buckeye. 

Through three games, Winfield had 16 tackles, one interception, and a beautiful punt return touchdown. 

Unfortunately, he is out for the rest of the year with a foot injury.

The Buckeyes have taken chances on the relatives of Ohio State legends before (see: Marcus Hooker, also a three star), so it is difficult to understand why a dynamic playmaker like Winfield Jr. is not wearing the scarlet-and-gray. 

7. Minnesota Created the Los Angeles Lakers

The second-most hated sports franchise of all time (Yankees) came from the North Star State. 

In 1948, the Minneapolis Lakers joined the National Basketball Association and won the championship. The next year, they did it again. As you can tell, it is an annoying start for an annoying franchise. 

In 1960, owner Bob Short moved the team to Los Angeles and the rest is history.

The Los Angeles Lakers are now the second-most winningest NBA franchise in history and have had a collection of talent that is unmatched across the sport. The team has been spoiled with talent from the beginning of time and recently added the greatest player of all time to their roster in the hopes of another championship run. 

6. Jesse "The Body" Ventura

Minnesota elected a man who fake-wrestled his way into the national spotlight and starred in a few movies as their governor. 

I mean come on, that was painful to watch. 

Yet in 1999, Ventura became the governor of Minnesota as a third-party candidate. The fact that a man who used to be a fake tough guy in leggings with half a head of hair that somehow went down to his shoulders can win a state election is beyond me. 

5. The Accent

Words really cannot describe this one. The signature long-'O' sound and "beg" instead of "bag" are things you have to hear to truly despise.

It is almost like learning a new language when you head up north. I imagine students from out-of-state have a tough time communicating with the locals until they take "Minnesotan 101" for their first course. 

It is a step down from Canada's incomprehensible dialect, but why can't everyone just talk like Ohioans? It's somewhere in the middle between down south and New England and the north. It would be easy for everyone. 

4. Minnesota Has a Ton of Trophies For Rivalry Games

Has anyone ever wondered why five (!!!) games of Minnesota's season involves a trophy?

Okay, two of them are more fictitious and recent, but Minnesota has by far the most trophies per game in the conference. 

Opponent Trophy
Iowa Floyd of Rosedale
Michigan Little Brown Jug
Nebraska Bits of Broken Chair Trophy
Penn State Governor's Victory Bell
Wisconsin Paul Bunyan's Axe

Paul Bunyan's Axe and the Little Brown Jug hold historical significance, but why does Minnesota need so many trophies for regular season games? Is it because they can not win any in the postseason? Is a win really so hard to come by that the school needs to hold it next to National Championship banners? 

3. This Twitter Thread

This is not really a reason to hate Minnesota. 

This is just pure comedy.

First of all, this guy went all out. Commitment, perseverance, and toughness. 

Second, I kind of hope he is being serious. I want him to be a competitive unicycler and barefoot runner who's neighbors are trying to sabotage his training. 

This is not a reason to hate Minnesota, just a reason to laugh at/with them. 

2. The Cold

My dad grew up in Minnesota so every time I complained about winter or shoveling snow off my driveway, he broke out the "back-in-my-day" stories to put me in my place. Based on what the stories he's told me, you would think he lived on a frozen lake for half of a year. 

Anyways, I imagine Minnesota during winter as a snowy tundra with snow constantly up to your knees. Minnesota holds four of the top 15 coldest cities in the nation with only North Dakota as their only competitor.

I am not exactly a guy who loves the sweltering heat, but anything is better than an average low temperature below 30 degrees for five months a year.

1. Ric Flair

Ric Flair dropped out of from the University of Minnesota around 1970. Apparently, it worked out pretty well for him as he has often been called "the greatest professional wrestler ever".

First of all, I believe Kyle Snyder would like a word with that statement. 

Second, "Nature Boy" will not just go away. He has retired a number of times, always finds a way to get on camera, and is just an overall odd dude. Flair's signature "WOO!" generates more eye rolls and cringed faces than encouraged cheers.

Finally, I really do not understand the infatuation with these 45-year-old men wearing skin-tight Halloween costumes pretending to hit each other. Do people actually watch this stuff?

View 59 Comments