Mark May's origin story, like so many trolls before him, starts with his own pain and degradation.
Mark May is being replaced by Joey Galloway on ESPN's College Football Final. We take time to remember his most player-hating moments ever.
In September 1996, Pittsburgh — the alma mater of All-American OT/riot-inducer Mark May — rolled into Columbus to take on the No. 7 team in the country, The Ohio State Buckeyes. Pitt got bulldozed, 72-0; it was the worst defeat in school history.
Somehow, it was even worse than the scoreline indicates. If you don't believe me, here's Pitt's coach after the shellacking:
"Football is football. You're out there for 60 minutes and that was a long endurance today. They made an effort to keep it under 70 points and we wouldn't let them do it. I'm not being sarcastic, that's a fact."
(Here's more on the worst day of Mark May's life, if you're into that kind of thing.)
Thankfully for us, not all Pitt alumni are as easygoing with the facts of the case.
Like any good warrior hellbent on avenging his family's name, Mark May bided his time and honed his tactics in the shadows.
In January 2003, Mark May burst onto Ohio State's radar with a viciousness that echoed the destruction bequeathed upon his alma mater all those years ago.
Miami: 42; Ohio State: 10– Mark May, 1/3/2003
To be fair, May wasn't the only one to prophesy Miami routing of Ohio State, but he's the only one who used the crushing defeat to fuel his burgeoning grudge against the world's greatest university.
And much like how a broken watch is right twice a day, May would go on to score victories over his Buckeye nemeses when Ohio State fell flat in back-to-back title games.
Like any good troll, however, the victories did little to assuage May's hatred.
Fast forward to 2010. No. 2 Ohio State is set to host No. 12 Miami in a rematch of the 2002 title game. Let's watch Mark May make sweet, passionate love to that chicken like it's an ex trying to get back into his life:
Well, it was certainly a #bold #flavors #take, but let's see how May's vision played out on the field of reality:
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Miami quarterback Jacory Harris and the 12th-ranked Hurricanes came into their showdown with No. 2 Ohio State confident and comfortable.
Four interceptions later, they were deflated and defeated.
Terrelle Pryor ran for 113 yards and a touchdown and passed for another score Saturday as the Buckeyes took advantage of Miami's miscues to hang a 36-24 loss on the Hurricanes.
"Feeling good doesn't always end up good," Harris said.
That last part would've been a good lesson to learn, but Mark May has never been one for lessons.
Here's May in the fall of 2012, telling us why Urban Meyer's first win doesn't mean diddly, and why Ohio State's an average football team:
Ohio State responded by running the tables in 2012, but Mark May was still unimpressed.
Here he is using the SEC to slander Ohio State's accomplishments during the 2013 preseason:
Despite losing its last two games (to non-SEC teams), Ohio State finished No. 7 in the final BCS poll. In retrospect, Mark May should've cherished the quasi-victory, because nuclear winter was en route.
Come with me now to January 2015.
Ohio State — despite losing its top two quarterbacks and suffering an early-September loss to a hapless Virginia Tech team — punched its ticket the inaugural College Football Playoff, a game against the mighty Alabama Crimson Tide.
If you've read this far, you don't need me to tell you what side of the fence on which May fell, but for memory's sake, let's watch how it played out:
I would pay all $13 in my bank account to see May's live reaction to this play. (Maybe Alabama had too much of that vaunted "straight-line speed" May talked about in 2010?)
Lesser trolls would watch Ohio State bully Alabama in its own backyard on national television and come to the light, especially after being humiliated on social media. But there is a reason why Mark May is Ohio State's greatest troll.
"Well, actually, Mark Helfrich has the advantage because he coordinated 19 points against Auburn four years ago." That's a classic #MayTake.
I wonder how Ohio State fans reacted when they caught up with May later that night during a nationally-televised segment?
Did May take the time to reflect upon why thousands of strangers detest him for his bad opinions? No.
Here he is ON THE MORNING OF THE NATIONAL TITLE GAME implying Ohio State didn't deserve to even make the playoffs.
That sound you hear at the end of the clip is Captain Smith applauding from beyond his grave at the bottom of the Atlantic.
Let's hit the film to see what happened:
Poor, poor, Mark May.
His professional career died much like it was born: Whaling in defeat under the steel-toed boot of the Ohio State football team.
He was a great troll, but he will not be missed.
R.I.P. to the troll king, nonetheless.