Ohio State has a bit of a difficult history with tattoos. Let's acknowledge that right off the bat.
The biggest difficulty being that a while back some Buckeye football players thought it was okay to exchange goods that they owned for a discount on tattoos, you know, like an actual human being might in a typical interaction with a merchant.
Of course, being held to the decidedly inhuman standards of the NCAA, these players were breaking a rule, got themselves in trouble, and the ensuing fallout led to one of the most successful college coaches of all time getting fired.
I mean, sure, everything eventually worked out, what with Urban Meyer and a National Championship and whathaveyou, but you can forgive Ohio State fans for being a little gun shy when it comes to getting a tattoo of their favorite team permanently etched on their sweaty gross bodies. It's not that tattoos aren't totally bad ass (they are), we've just had a fair amount of trauma at the hands of tattoo parlors and would really rather avoid the heartache and very literal pain that comes with getting inked.
Well, most of us.
Some of us.
Okay, pretty much just me. I've thought about getting a tattoo, since most of my coworkers have one and I'll be damned before I let another life-affirming fad pass me by, but what to get? Do I ruin my chances of employment at any place that might actually ask me to use my college degrees and get a face or neck tat? Do I embarrass myself and any future children that I might have and roll with some kind of cartoon version of Urban Meyer peeing on Jim Harbaugh's car? Do I try something abstract that I will have to explain every time someone sees it, which is totally fine with me given how big of a narcissist I am? Or something that incorporates elements of all of those things?
So in the quest for the perfect Ohio State tattoo, I took the time to analyze several existing ones for myself, and then came up with a few templates that I've been kicking around a little bit.
First, one of the most notable tattoos of late is the one that Ezekiel Elliott got to celebrate the title the Buckeyes just won. Here it is in all its glory:
You'll note that it's a) big, b) loud, and c) a big damn celebration of Ohio State that's totally in my face.
This seems to be the M.O. for fan tattoos as well. A while ago, we featured a dude whose body art is a hellish combination of Hieronymus Bosch and a guy who makes screen printed shirts that say "Muck Fichigan." I'm a big fan of any combination of buckeye leaves and skulls, but my absolute favorite is the giant Brutus that breathes fire. All said, it's like Revelations as revealed to John if John was a 38 year old dude from Clintonville.
Finally, one aspect of a good fan tattoo is the presence of a coaches' face. Creepy and hyper-realistic is really the way to go here. For example:
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Why would you get Urban Meyer's face tattooed on your arm?
"He's definitely going to go down as if not the greatest, one of the greatest at Ohio State. I knew when he was hired there were big things to come."
...
"I thought about maybe getting (Jim) Tressel on the backside of my arm, but we're still in the thought process," Alexander said.
I'm not really sure that there should be any kind of thought process because that sounds awesome and you should do it, Alex.
Anyway, taking all of those things into consideration, here are a few mockups that I came up with. You're all welcome to use these at your pleasure, the only reward that I need is to know I'm making people happy.
Brrrrrrrrrr(utus)
If you were a true fan, you'd get a tattoo on your face. I think that goes without saying. But this stylish Brutus-themed ice cream cone and Buckeye leaf backing will definitely wow them at Christmas, your next interview, or even in the confession booth next time you administer that holy sacrament to some poor sinner! Thanks to Mike for the name.
Stylin'
Tattoos are in danger of becoming boring. So why not get a giant butterfly with Urban Meyer's face plastered across your stomach? There's really only one direction that you should go here, and it's not the old, played out hairy styles of yesteryear. Challenge conventions! Special thanks to my student Adriel for the Styles-ish inspiration.
Mr. Dignified
Jim Tressel was a saint, a glorious shining beacon for all that is right and proper in this world. And the unbelievers had better recognize, so the only real solution is to turn your body into a giant billboard proclaiming the virtues of a man they called Mr. Sweatervest.
And there you go! Several terrific, viable, actual options for tattoos that you can put on your body forever and ever. Remember, they are never, ever coming off so it is definitely in your best interest to put that kind of lifelong decision in the hands of a guy so aware of his own mortality that he frequently checks his drinks for goat hairs for fear of dying like Fabius.
I also heartily encourage all of you with actual Buckeye tattoos to post them in the comments section below, so that we can marvel at your commitment to the Ohio State University. Godspeed, you kings of central Ohio!
