Welcome to the Sweet 16 of the Enemy of the State Classic, our quest to crown Ohio State's greatest villain. Yes, it's a decidedly hateful affair.
Can anybody stop Mark May? Should Penn State cultists have been a No. 1 seed? These are just two of the questions I have after the opening round of play.
Woodson vs. Howard, the SEC vs. OSU Memorabilia Hounds, and Forde vs. Dodd are some of the scores about to be settled.
Polls close at 10 p.m. ET.
No. 1 Bo Schembechler vs. No. 5 Jim Harbaugh
Glen Edward “Judas Iscariot” Schembechler played for Woody Hayes at Miami and coached under him at Ohio State before leaving to take his own head coaching jobs at Miami and That Team Up North.
Bo would go onto post a 194–48–5 record at Michigan, including the historic 1969 upset of an undefeated Ohio State in Ann Arbor. Though he would never win a national title in his 21 years leading Big Blue, Schembechler became Woody Hayes’ 10 Year War nemesis, and the de facto Public Enemy No. 1 for a generation of Buckeyes.
Schembechler thumped noted Michigan loser Taylor Lewan in the first round, 1234-580.
It has yet to be seen what Jim Harbaugh will do at the school he was hired to resurrect, but the former four-year Schembechler-era letterman would probably be on this list nonetheless.
He went 3-1 against Ohio State, and infamously guaranteed — and delivered — a 1986 upset win vs. No. 7 Ohio State in Columbus.
Harbaugh defeated Fielding Yost, 1215-570, in the first round.
No. 2 Charles Woodson vs. No. 3 Desmond Howard
Charles Woodson was a Top 50 prospect coming out of Fremont, Ohio, and by the time he left Michigan, he was a two-time All-American, a Heisman winner, and a national champion.
The wine aficionado went 3-0 against his home-state Buckeyes, including two interceptions against a No. 2 Ohio State in 1995 and a punt return and an end zone interception in 1997 to send Michigan to the Rose Bowl.
Woodson defeated Horace Prettyman, 1691-105, in the first round.
Desmond Howard, a quick-footed running back out of Cleveland St. Joe’s, never took an official visit to Ohio State due to Earl Bruce’s ouster and his not wanting to be a part of a rebuilding program.
After struggling at RB early, Michigan switched Howard to wide receiver, and it made all the difference. In three years in Ann Arbor, the All-American would go 3-0 against Ohio State. In 1991, the year he won the Heisman Trophy, Howard put a punt return dagger through the Buckeyes and then hit the Heisman pose in the endzone.
Not satisfied with his enormities, Howard is now a known Michigan homer for ESPN. He defeated Tim Biakabutuka, 1385-398 in the first round.
No. 2 2006-07 Florida Gators vs. No. 6 Miami Flag Truthers
The 2007 BCS title game was supposed to be a coronation for Jim Tressel's Ohio State Buckeyes, the team that resided as the nation's No. 1 since the preseason and featured Troy Smith, the nation's best player.
But then Urban Meyer's 2006 Florida Gators went to work, and the game was all but settled by halftime. With Ted Ginn sidelined, Florida's front seven terrorized Smith, who was suddenly made out of cement. The Gators could've hung 100 on Ohio State that night. They defeated Bret Bielema, 830-531, in the first round.
Miami Flag Truthers are still salty about a correct call that occurred 12 years ago. They will react like a slug to salt when asked about the four second-OT opportunities Miami had to score a touchdown from the two-yard line.
The Truthers defeated Billy Donovan's "Big Three" Florida championship team, 749-639, in the first round. It was the first productive thing this gaggle of quacks has ever done.
No. 5 THE SEC vs. No. 8 OSU MEMORABILIA HOUNDS
College football is cyclical in nature, and conferences enjoy heydays from time to time. The SEC, however, acted as if they invented the sport in 2007.
Alabama (and Urban Meyer’s Florida) did most the heavy lifting, but did this stop Tennessee and South Carolina fans from thumping their chests in pride? Of course not.
The SEC put a stake through the heart of Bo Ryan, 1240-164, in the first round.
Ohio State memorabilia hounds are a people whose only skills are stalking recruits/players to get them to sign memorabilia which they immediately flip for profit on eBay.
These people will try to justify their actions by saying they're passionate fans, but this is to ignore their parasitical relationship with the school.
The hounds defeated Charlie Bauman, the region's No. 1 seed, 917-483, in the first round. They should still be reported to the nearest IRS agent.
No. 1 Mark May vs. No. 5 Clay Travis
Mark May literally made a career out of being wrong about Ohio State.
After watching his alma mater get butchered like a sacrificial lamb, 72-0, in the Horseshoe, the former Pittsburgh riot-inducer earned true notoriety in 2002 by telling anybody that would listen Ohio State was going to get mollywhopped by Miami.
It would be the first of many bizarre (and wrong) anti-Ohio State comments and predictions May would render as he slithered up the ESPN ladder.
Though he suffered the indignity of a demotion and witnessing Ohio State’s eighth championship, the realities of the world have done little in the past to temper his hatred of the world’s greatest university.
May scored the most decisive victory in Round 1, defeating Matt Hayes, 1836-52.
FoxSports.com’s Clay Travis is that one creepy uncle, if that one creepy uncle was a caricature of a creepy uncle who was obscenely overpaid to dispense convoluted hot takes on the internet.
What can be said about a sewer creature like Travis hasn't already been said? He’s a smarmy, misogynistic teenager trapped in an adult’s body. There is nothing original about him, and yet, the non-lawyering lawyer has ascended to become one of the greatest organs in the SEC propaganda death machine.
Travis defeated Mike Bianchi in troll-to-troll combat in Round 1, 945-759.
NO. 6 Pat Forde vs. no. 7 Dennis Dodd
Pat Forde, Yahoo's in-house hot take kibitzer, once wrote this about Urban Meyer after Meyer's 2010 exit from Florida:
If those things are true, and Meyer is ready to enter a rewarding new phase of life as a paternal bleacher creature, watching his three kids play sports, so be it.
But if Meyer suddenly shows up in Denver to coach Tebow, he's a con man of the highest order. If he changes his mind and comes back to Florida before it hires someone else, he's a diva even Favre would disdain. If he takes another job a year from now, his family will know once and for all where it ranks in his personal hierarchy of needs.
His final form is going to be when he's stuffed and mounted as an artifact of the HOT TAKE ERA. Forde defeated investigation bungler George Dohrmann in the first round, 1153-600.
Dennis Dodd deserves to be fired for this tweet alone:
Tressel has "enforcement" in his new title. #giggle— Dennis Dodd (@dennisdoddcbs) February 2, 2012
Tressel's actual title was Vice President of Strategic Engagement. Dodd defeated bacteria kingpin Paul Finebaum, 915-893, in the first round.
No. 2 ED RIFE vs. No. 3 INSANE 10% OF UC FANS
Edward Rife, a Columbus-area weed vendor/wannabee tattoo tycoon, was the central figure in the scandal surrounding the Tat Five, and eventually, Jim Tressel’s ouster. Sentenced to 36 months in federal prison for his drug dealing.
Rife has since dumped his Tatgate treasure trove on Craigslist and said he still considers himself an Ohio State fan despite just getting sentenced to hard federal time.
For a glimpse into the psyche of the Insane 10% of Cincinnati Bearcat Fans, we bring in the infamous John from Anderson Township:
This is OUR town. Reds, Bearcats, Musketeers, Cyclones. We have TWO football teams in town. How dare the Reds roll out a red carpet for outsiders and competitors. 80 of them? 80? 80 players, coaches and support staff will be on hand at GABP tonight?
Was the marching band not invited? Hell, why not have them dot the I behind second base? OSU refuses to play us here. They back out of contracts. They run from us. And the Reds reward them?
No. 4 NICK SABAN vs. NO. 8 PENN STATE CULTISTS
Some might say Nick Saban, the Man of 1,000 Sugar Bowl Loss Excuses, doesn’t even deserve to be on the list. But all we must do is turn the clock back to 1998, when Saban led an upset of a No. 1 Ohio State team in Columbus:
Two straight completions by Joe Germaine put Ohio State all the way to the MSU 15-yard line in the final seconds of the game. The script appeared to be written for a last-second comeback victory by Ohio State on its home field. Only it wasn't meant to be. The Spartan defense came through with three consecutive stops before Renaldo Hill intercepted Germaine's fourth-down pass on the goal line to seal the victory, silencing the Buckeye faithful.
Saban defeated @FakeUrban, 1005-245, in the first round.
Whereas Ohio State exemplifies all of the good of a horde fanbase, Penn State cultists exemplify all of the bad.
The marks of this beast: Bizarre Joe Paterno worship, incessant searching for their one true rival, ludicrous message board theories, and protected-by-the-masses drunken thuggery. Despite routinely getting evidence to the contrary beat into them, these people still think dressing up in all white when the Buckeyes roll into town somehow affects the game.
The cultists upset No. 1-seeded Notre Dame, 761-537, in the first round.