I’m a middle-age man. I follow college football recruiting. This is my vision of how every OSU recruiting class should be built. Don’t judge me. You’re here, too. Like we told Bo Ryan, deal with it.

I started innocently enough. I remember hearing on the radio that some kid from Westerville had committed to OSU to play linebacker and that he was the next big thing. Literally, big. The I found out he broke my brother’s friend’s collar bone when their teams faced each other. His name, Andy Katzenmoyer.

That was before people really started following online. Then it changed. My first real memory of pre-commitment-panic-turned-post-commitment-euphoria for me was the day another freakish LB committed. That man? Mike D’Andrea. I sped home from work, didn’t say hello to my wife upon entering the home and flew directly to my PC to bang away at the F5 key. Mrs. Salty turned salty herself that day.

I was here for more recent events like ‘Meg’ and 10-star Wednesday. As such, I believe I am fully qualified to state the case for how every recruiting class henceforth should be built to satisfy my insatiable desire for all things recruiting.

**Before we start, I’ll wait while you refresh in case a Boom happened. That’s a new thing, too. As were gray boxes, at one time. I told you, I’ve been here a while.**

Let’s begin. Ideally, every class would start off at least one year ahead of the current cycle. You need a killer kid to headline the class. He should be a 5* guy, preferably at QB. He should be gregarious, but not cocky. One social media, but only in the right ways. He should be from out of state but grow up as a life-long OSU fan that has never considered going anywhere else. He should have considered other schools, but only so that he could spurn them to pick us.

Wait… what I mean is that in his heart, which he only shares with us on the 11W message boards through his dad, is that he never really considered going anywhere else while publicly saying he had a top 11, 5, 3, and then 2 before creating the most amazing commitment video ever. Except he should just send out a simple tweet so that he doesn’t look too arrogant.

He should perform extremely well at every camp on the circuit. He should interview like Shaq. He should be the number 1 rated pro-style QB and dual threat QB, but still have tremendous upside.

Not unreasonable. Class size: 1.

Once he’s on board, he can start recruiting.

That’s when the fun really starts. Then he can start bringing on the other guys. They should start the day after National Signing Day. It’s bad enough that we must wait until NSD to see how the class actually finishes. We should not have to wait more than 24 hours to find out how good the next one is going to be.

I’m ok with the next booms being 4* guys, but only very high 4*. I mean, logically, this is really the only school that would ever be the right fit for anyone to play college football.

I’d prefer we get at least 3 guys that day. These kids have had their whole lives to do nothing else but play Fortnite and lift weights. What are they waiting for? And while we’re at it, silent commits should be illegal in the continental US. What is this, North Korea? It should only be a silent commit if they come right out and say it.

Class size: 4

Then things start getting fun. We need 2 more in March just to keep the momentum up heading into the spring game. I’d like to be sure one of them is a 5* guy. For this one, it’d be great if he was once a 3* guy that was seriously underrated that just made the biggest jump in the rankings ever.

Class size: 6

Get ready, the Spring Game is here. We need to kick the weekend off with a boom to get things rolling. Preferably an elite DE that just decommitted from Clemson because he got a rug burn on the slide during his visit and realized that Dabo’s not a real name. He should be 6’5” tall and weight 275 pounds, run a 4.31 forty and already have better testing times than Vonn Miller. He should also be his team’s kicker, world class chess player and Rhode’s Scholar.

With him in the fold, the weekend is moving. We need 2 more commits in game. Corners that are already on Kiper’s big board for 2023 as the top 2 picks because they all get picked 1-2 every year now. They should be super humble kids that are the biggest talkers on the team. Oh, and they should have catchy names and wear numbers 5 and 0 so they can be the ‘5-0’ and lock you down like the police.

It would be great if they would talk to 11W throughout, so we’re not kept in the dark. We don’t need surprise booms this weekend. We have enough to worry about as we figure out how we’re going to replace the 37 guys that got taken in the first 2 rounds of the last draft.

Sunday, that’s the day you can surprise me. On Sunday, I’d like a commit from a running back that wasn’t even considering OSU before. Just because.

Class size: 10

Take 2 more in April along the O-line and 2 in May to give us a good look at the class heading into Friday Night Lights.

Class size: 14

I’m going to need a minimum of 4 at FNL. What good is a recruiting bazar without commitments? This is where we take QBs. At least 2. I realize we already have one, but when the QB runs every third down I’m applying the ‘pair and a spare’ rule. I don’t care about style at this point. We already have the number one guy. Just give me one that can throw it forever and looks like Gronk and one who runs like Vick.

Add in a kicker that hits from 70 yards and has a YouTube channel with 2.3M followers just because it’s so weird. Finally, we take our first 3* kid. I’m dipping my toe in deep water here. It’s critically important to psyche of 11Wers that this is the right kind of 3*. This kid should be the second coming of Deion Sanders. The only reason he is ranked so low is because he comes from a place that doesn’t have electricity and he’s never been to a camp. This will also allow him to be #developedhere. By coming to FNL, people see him for the first time ever. Until now, his high school coach had been sending telegrams with the kid’s stats. After seeing him in person, he is elevated to his rightful place as a 5*.

Class size: 18

Class average: 98.765

Don’t worry, we’re in on the remaining 27 5* guys. They’ve all agreed to give us the last visit. I’d really appreciate it if the staff would open themselves a bit so that we could give our input on how the rest of the class should work itself out. I’m willing to bet I spend more time reading about this stuff than they do. And I’m the one that’s going to be holding them accountable for the duration of their time here. I have thoughts, call me.

All the recruits should go to The Opening. They should all play on the same team. They should all ball out and tie for first in the SPARQ testing. All the other recruits there should talk about OSU and wear all OSU gear. Everyone else is so impressed, 2 more guys decommit from Alabama and join the class.

Class size: 20

I’m starting to feel better about the future of OSU football now. We don’t have a kid rated lower than 97th in the country in this year’s class. I kind of feel bad for the kid that’s the lowest. He got a hang nail at The Opening. I’m not worried. We have 3 other guys ahead of him that we’re still in on and one of them is deciding next week.

They both picked OSU. Hang nail decommitted and decided to play basketball.

Class size: 21

Threads start popping up on 11W about class size and #QBGeddon3. Are you not entertained?

Summer ends. Four guys want to commit before their senior season. Urbz asks them to wait until their official visits on game days in the fall. This is the kind of crap that drives me nuts. Bird in the hand, Urbz, bird in the hand.

Those 4 commit during the season. Urbz is pleased. We’re pleased-ish. Why are these guys waiting? What else do they need to see. Inner-city Youngstown is a beautiful place to grow up, why would you want to go visit South Beach? Whatever.

Class size: 25

OSU wins another National Championship and 3 guys commit during the game. Two more at the US Army game and 1 at the Under Armor game. One lousy commit? We should stop letting guys go to that game altogether.

Class size: 31

This is more like it. SEC schools eat your heart out. We’re finally going to win that recruiting title.

National Signing Day is upon us. All the guys we had in the fold before the early signing period signed on the dotted line so there’s none of that heartburn to worry about. Only 8 more guys left to decide, including the number 1 player in the nation. Elusive. Number. One. For as good as this class has been – after all, it is my fantasy class – we don’t have number one. I’m feeling pretty good about the other 7 guys. They all have their pressers planned at the WHAC.

Not number one. He’s played it close to the vest. He doesn’t tweet. He didn’t visit anyone. He doesn’t even have a cellphone. NO ONE KNOWS. I already don’t like him. But at this point, I NEED him. This class will never be what it was meant to be without him. At this point, I might trade all 38 of our previous commits for this guy. I’m desperate. Mrs. Salty has threatened legal action if I don’t get off the computer.

I hit refresh one last time…

Freeze. What? Page cannot be displayed?!?!?! This is my living nightmare. My PC Load Letter moment. Why didn’t other people become 12W members to upgrade to better servers so this wouldn’t happen?!

And then it loads. He picked Harvard. Why can’t Urban recruit? All I wanted was one perfect class.