DABO SWINNEY ADMITS TIME TRAVELING TO NEGATIVELY RECRUIT MEYER, SABAN'S ANCESTORS
Several days after researchers uncovered an alternate copy of the famous Bayeux tapestry with writing on the back mentioning a certain "Dabo of Swinney," Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney has come clean and admitted to having time traveled with the aim of preventing rivals like Urban Meyer and Nick Saban from ever being born. His trips to the past, accomplished with the use of Jim Harbaugh's patented milk-based time machine, were made to several points in European history, though the only one we can as of yet identify is the 1066 England, in the lead-up to the Battle of Hastings. There, it seems Swinney insinuated himself as a baron in the court of King Harold Godwin of the Saxons, and attempted to "negatively recruit" a certain Lady Tilde of Badon and dissuade her from accepting the marriage proposal of Lord Aethelwine of Lewes, both of them distant ancestors of Urban Meyer.
The fact that Urban Meyer still exists suggests that Swinney has failed in his efforts, but the NCAA Temporal Department will investigate his actions nonetheless and assess penalties if they see fit.
COURT SENTENCES BAKER MAYFIELD TO PLAY FOR BROWNS
On Wednesday, a court in Norman, Oklahoma passed sentence on draft eligible Oklahoma Sooners quarterback Baker Mayfield, sentencing him to play "not fewer than two seasons" with the much-maligned Cleveland Browns. The sentence was in response to something idiotic that Mayfield did at some point, and while the prosecution was unable to point to anything specific, the jury was swayed by their simple argument of "look him at him, I mean, come on, he did something, he's Baker Mayfield."
Mayfield is expected to appeal, but Cleveland Browns fans are already cautiously fitting wheels to the hype train that's sure to follow if the court's sentence is upheld.
EA ANNOUNCES 'ALL DEMARIO MCCALL' NCAA 19
In a landmark announcement sure to thrill the millions of fans of the once popular but long discontinued NCAA series of college football themed video games, game developer Electronic Arts announced Wednesday night that due to popular demand and their own exorbitant greed, they will release a new NCAA this year. This will be the first NCAA title since 2013's NCAA 14, and while the legal and ethical problems that led to the demise of the series have not gone away, EA claims they have reached an accommodation with the NCAA that will leave everyone satisfied. Rather than having to compensate every student athlete for the use of their names and likenesses (which would violate the NCAA's regulations on athletes being paid), EA will instead use only one current college football player: Ohio State's Demario McCall. McCall was chosen partly because of his incredible charisma, but also because his speed and shiftiness allow him to do what no other player can: evade and outrun NCAA regulations.
While no gameplay footage has been released as of yet, EA has released concept art of Demario McCall receiving a shotgun pass from Demario McCall while Demario McCall blocks the pass-rush of Demario McCall.
The game is expected to release in September.