JIM HARBAUGH HAPPY TO CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING WITH THE RACE OF MISCHEVIOUS GOBLINS FROM WHICH HE DESCENDS

Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh took a break from scheming against the Ohio State Buckeyes to travel underground. There he plans to celebrate Thanksgiving with the secretive clan of mischievous goblins from which his line descends. The food is expected to consist not of the usual Thanksgiving fare, but rather primarily of cave fish, mushrooms, and the odd spelunker who might have ventured too deep into the earth’s maw.

“We don’t talk football, politics, or religion,” Harbaugh said, “but we do occasionally talk about new ways to lead children astray with enchanted music boxes and things like that.”

URBAN MEYER PROMISES TO ABANDON POWER RUN GAME AT FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE 

In an announcement only surprising because of its candor, Ohio State head coach announced that he intends to abandon the power run game against Michigan at the first sign that the game might not end in a blowout victory.

“First interception, first three-and-out, first time the Michigan crowd sounds like they might be mustering up hope, then we can’t even think of using our runningbacks in a productive manner,” Meyer said at his most recent presser.

He also suggested that standout freshman runningback J.K. Dobbins might not even dress for the game, or rather, that he might be sent with the “Upper Peninsula Expeditionary Force” to the Wisconsin-Michigan frontier to guard against a “flanking maneuver.”

KIRK FERENTZ’S RECOLLECTIONS OF THE FIRST THANKSGIVING

Kirk “Action Bastard” Ferentz is many things: long-serving head coach at Iowa University, occasional football mastermind, and of course a dark wizard. However what many may not realize about the 72-time Big Ten Coach of the Year is that Ferentz was also a passenger on the Mayflower, and one of the original Plymouth pilgrims who partook in the first ever Thanksgiving feast. In November of 1621 the colonists at Plymouth were starving mostly due to their mistaken belief that being “much more correct” than other religious sects in Europe at the time would keep them nourished through the harsh North American winter. The indigenous Wampanoag saw the colonists’ plight and offered them food, which culminated in a feast. This remarkable generosity on the part of the Wampanoag would doubtless be repaid by the grateful colonists, and we’re so certain of this that we needn’t even research what eventually happened to the Wampanoag.

This is all well known, however the untold story of Kirk Ferentz’s involvement was recently revealed to the public in a sit down chat between historians and the Iowa head coach. Among comments about the poor quality of the food (Turkeys, then, he said, were the size of the average crayfish today), he related how he engaged in a game between pilgrims and natives after the feast—a game that resembled the modern game of football in some ways.

Kirk Ferentz recalled being selected as the coach for the pilgrims' hastily assembled team. At the time, their prospects seemed dim, with the Wampanoag’s team comprised of numerous 4 and 5-star athletes, while the pilgrims mostly consisted of 3-star athletes beset with various diseases and malnutrition. However thanks to Ferentz’s time-honored formula of stout defense, luck, and odd schemes, the pilgrims managed to upset the Wampanoag in a turgid, frustrating, and impossible to watch 12-10 decision.

To this day, Ferentz still reckons it as his greatest coaching achievement.