Hello everyone, today we have a very special Halloween edition of our fake news roundup. Enjoy!
NEW WALK-ON “BISCUIT THE DEATH-DEALER” ADDED TO OHIO STATE ROSTER
The Ohio State Buckeyes may have added a potentially lethal new weapon to their already impressive pass rush with the inclusion of new walk-on defensive end Biscuit The Death Dealer. Biscuit, an actual timber wolf from the Canadian Arctic, weighs in at around only sixty pounds but possesses absolutely devastating speed and has been called “unblockable” and “honestly, just plain rabid” by Ohio State defensive coordinator Greg Schiano. No doubt aimed at carrying forward the “Land of the Wolves” theme for Saturday’s home game against Penn State, Biscuit is likely to feature heavily as the Ohio State defense attempts to contain and halt an explosive Penn State offensive unit that features signal caller Trace McSorley and Heisman-frontrunner Saquon Barkley.
“He’s likely to go for the jugular, that’s why we’re giving him his playing time,” head coach Urban Meyer stated, with a wink.
When asked if he was implying that Biscuit would actually bite a Penn State player’s throat, Meyer said “Of course not,” and then winked again.
Biscuit the Death Dealer holds the distinction of being Ohio State’s only Canadian player this year, as well as it’s only nonhuman, if you don’t count freshman quarterback Tate Martell, who of course is part Hobbit.
BRIAN KELLY: I OWE IT ALL TO THE MAN DOWNSTAIRS
Following his Notre Dame team’s 49-14 dismantlement of the USC Trojans, Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly applauded his players and coaches before offering his heartfelt thanks to Satan.
“Really, I owe it all to the man downstairs,” Kelly said after the game, pointing toward the ground with his thumb.
Earlier this year it was reported that Brian Kelly was considering switching allegiances from Jesus Christ to the Prince of Darkness after his team’s poor performance last season. It appears now that he did indeed make that switch, and hasn’t looked back since. Whether all the powers of darkness in the universe will be enough to allow Notre Dame to make it into the playoff despite not playing a conference title game remains to be seen. 538 gives Notre Dame’s odds of making the playoff as 11% “even with the full backing of Satan.”
PENN STATE CALLS OHIO STADIUM “HAUNTED”
It surfaced earlier today that Penn State University and Penn State head coach James Franklin launched an unsuccessful bid to have the location of Saturday’s game changed. Evidently Franklin argued to the Big Ten Conference that the Woody Hayes Athletic Center was “haunted” by the ghosts of Penn State’s past failures there.
Franklin evidently was particularly concerned that the ghost of defensive end Joey Bosa might still linger around midfield, despite the fact that Joey Bosa is very much alive and currently leading the NFL in sacks and quarterback pressures.
