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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 7/6

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July 6, 2017 at 5:47pm
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KYLE KALIS: "IF YOU SAW BLOOD ON THE FIELD, IT WAS PROBABLY MINE."

In a far reaching interview with SportsConnect.com, former Michigan offensive lineman (and one-time Ohio State commit) Kyle Kalis came clean about one issue that has concerned at least several Ohio State fans. Responding to photographic evidence of small patches of dried blood on the grass of Ann Arbor stadium and Ohio stadium, Kyle Kalis admitted that most likely those patches of coagulated blood were his own. In a separate admission, he also confessed that a streak of blood at a skatepark in Toledo is also his, the result of an ill-fated attempt to "pop a sick-ass ollie."

MIKE WEBER RECOUNTS HARROWING FIESTA BOWL EXPERIENCE WITH SPIDER

Recently, when ambushed by members of the local paparazzi in his own shower (he was wearing a towel, much to the photographers' collective disappointment), Ohio State runningback Mike Weber told a disturbing tale of his experience sitting on the bench during the Ohio State's 31-0 loss to Clemson at the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona. According to Weber, during one long stretch when he was kept on the bench by the coaching staff, a sizeable spider crawled onto him and began to weave a web between his body and the edge of the bench.

"At this point the coaches had given me strict orders to sit my ass down and stay perfectly still until they called for me. When Coach [Meyer] gets mad, you do what he says. So I couldn't get up, couldn't even brush the spider off."

Weber claimed that he opened his mouth to ask runningbacks coach Tony Alford for permission to get rid of the spider, but when Alford glared at him he decided to say nothing, and in that moment, with his mouth still open, the spider crawled in and began to build a web inside of his mouth. It was only then when--by Weber's own admission--he began to emit a high pitched whine that backup quarterback Joe Burrow noticed Weber's peril and removed and destroyed the spider.

When asked if he was still resentful in any way of the coaching staff both for neglecting him and for only giving him seven touches on the ball, Weber approached the issue with a philosophical air.

"We were all fucking up that night--well, maybe not Malik [Hooker]," he said. "I think if anything the shit with the spider was like a metaphor. Just like the spider, Clemson's defense was spinning webs that our offense just didn't know how to handle. Live and learn, you know?"

BRIAN KELLY: "MAYBE WE PRAY TO SATAN."

At a recent Notre Dame athletics presser, Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly appeared wearing a pentagram necklace and with suspicious red stains on his fingers. He brushed aside questions regarding he was on the coaching hot seat, and instead went on a strange, at times lurid rant about the difficulties of coaching at a university awash with "delusional expectations." In the course of a few minutes, Kelly blamed God, Jesus, the Holy Ghost ("Where the hell is that guy? I never know," complained Kelly), his coaching staff, his players, the weather, and the United States Senate for last year's 4-8 record. In the middle of this tirade, Kelly (at this point his face had turned a midnight shade of purple) threw up his hands and said "And if we want to be better, maybe we pray to Satan--just putting it out there."

When pressed by reporters on this particular comment, Brian Kelly backtracked, albeit only slightly, saying that he wasn't suggesting Notre Dame players, coaches, and fans begin worshiping the Prince of Darkness, but that while there was no direct evidence that Satanic worship would lead to a better season, "one thing that's clear is that you don't get to 12 wins by praying to Jesus."

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