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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 9/21

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September 21, 2017 at 5:16pm
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KEVIN WILSON TALKS “AIR RAID” OFFENSE

Kevin Wilson, first year Ohio State offensive coordinator, gave an interview earlier today where among other things he spoke of a new concept that would revolutionize college football. This “air raid” offense that Wilson floated would only share a common name with the pass-heavy offensive philosophy pioneered by Mike Leach. Rather, Wilson’s new brainchild has more in common with the “Shock and Awe” military strategy utilized by the United States armed forces in the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

In Wilson’s vision, the air raid offense begins with the opposing team leaving the tunnel to take the field. Just as the opposing team steps onto the field, the Ohio State marching band will all light signaling flares and throw them at the opposing players. A formation of A-10 Warthog attack jets will then strafe the field with 20mm autocannons.

“God will recognize his own,” Wilson declared, as ominous string music began to play from the phone in his shirt pocket.

Wilson anticipated objections to his strategy by pointing out that nowhere in the NCAA’s rulebook is it prohibited to murder the opposing team, although he conceded that it would likely be seen as poor sportsmanship, on the same level as running up the score on an outmatched opponent.

REPORT: 73% OF LOUISIANANS BELIEVE ORGERON IS YELLOW KING

A new report published by SEC Country shows that 73% of Louisiana’s citizens believe that LSU head coach Ed Orgeron is in fact the Yellow King, a notorious and likely fictional mass murder and child abductor. While at first glance the statistic may sound surprising, Louisiana residents will point to Orgeron’s predilection for hanging strange wooden figures on the trees around LSU’s campus, as well as his unusual habit of referring to Tiger Stadium as “Carcosa.”

When pressed for comment by reporters about the statistic, Orgeron replied, in his gravelly voice: “A black star is in the sky. Under it is where you stand. There is where forever forgets now, and now forgets forever.”

However despite LSU fans’ belief that their head coach is a occult murderer, there have been few calls for his ouster.

John Denny (24) of Baton Rouge, Louisiana was measured in his perspective: “Yeah I mean, sure, he probably killed all those people and dressed ‘em up in deer antlers, but we shouldn’t rush to [expletive deleted]can him—at least give him till the [Alabama] game. We can still make the playoffs!”

DEMARIO MCCALL FREEZES SELF TO “FIGHT FUTURE EVIL”

Ohio State football fans wondering where electric runningback Demario McCall has been got their answer earlier today, when a note was discovered by McCall’s RA, which appeared to be written by McCall’s own hand. The note claimed that after watching 1980 film Flash Gordon, which centers on an American football player cryogenically frozen for centuries who becomes a great hero in the distant future, McCall had the idea to freeze himself on “Ohio’s highest mountain peak” so as to “fight future evil.”

As Ohio lacks any mountains high enough to support year-round snowcaps, McCall’s whereabouts are unknown, and it is quite possible that on the way to finding the mountain he was distracted by one of Ohio’s many whimsical roadside attractions. However, if it turns out to be possible to freeze yourself so as to survive long enough to save the world from alien conquerors, we of the editorial board would like to say we always believed that Demario McCall would be the world’s savior.

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