BUCKEYES TO BROWNS
Mike Hall Jr. is selected 54th overall in the second round of the NFL draft by the Cleveland Browns.
July 1st, 2021. The beginning of the end.
Now that there's been a gigantic injection of cash into the meaty gluteus of the NCAA, it's hard to know exactly what's going to happen next. Sponsored social media posts? Adults in their 20's making money from a job?? Student athletes using products in plain view of the public?!?
The utter destruction of college athletics as we know it??!?
Yes! Except that last thing, that didn't happen (YET). But everything else did, and what should probably be emphasized both today and every day going forward until we all chill out about this kind of thing is that "Yes, it's kind of weird, but also yes, it's fine. It's weird but fine."
Well kids, there's nothing on earth like some bona fide monetized big time cash NIL!
What'd I say?
"NIL!"
What's it called?
"NIL!"
That's right! NIL!
The big winner of July 1st was the plethora of student athletes that were, for the first time in the history of college sports, able to make some hard cold cash without getting yelled at or having to look over their shoulder for an inconsistent and mercurial busybody waiting in the shadows to end their collegiate careers. There's a lesson here about this being the final chapter of an Ohio State tale of lies and intrigue that ended the Tressel era and royally screwed over a number of players (including an apparently angry Reggie Bush), but I'm not really interested in telling it because we all already know the story.
Instead, I want to talk about GoPuff! That's right, GoPuff, the hot new product and/or service that might have something to do with scented candles or potato chips or some damn thing, I don't know. Mountain Berry gets the job done every time.
What I do know is that if you can't admire the hustle shown by these players off the field, you might have a hard time admiring hustle on the field too. It has been incredibly fun to see the unexpected and interesting ways that a guy like, say, Zed Key might integrate himself into the Columbus community.
"I hear kids might make too much dough."
That's a lie straight from Dabo!
"Will players want to be my friend?
Not on your life, sad middle-aged men!
"What about us angry mobs?"
You'll be reminded that sports are jobs!
I won't pretend like there aren't valid concerns about what NIL looks like going forward. This is absolutely the Wild West right now, in large part because the NCAA refused to lead on this issue and largely left it up to states to figure out any kind of guidance.
This has led to a patchwork of rules nationally that, if they exist at all in any tangible sense, will happily be ignored because the supposed governing body of college athletics tried to conceal an administrative fart with a bunch of loud coughing. Without support or direction, it is entirely possible that less-than-scrupulous people or businesses could take advantage of players unfamiliar with contracts or their obligations. Luckily, most schools (including Ohio State) have anticipated this and partnered with companies that will hopefully keep NIL monetization on the up and up by providing their athletes with a platform with which to channel their newfound business opportunities.
"Were you sent here by the devil?"
No, this kind of thing is just not that special.
"I got a cramp in my Tweeting hand!"
Put your phone down, my good man!
But let's get down to brass tacks and discuss who is really being impacted here: me! I have spent over a decade writing fart jokes and making obvious Simpsons references, meticulously crafting a brand that can appeal an incredibly specific type of Millennial who sits at the intersection of "Giant Nerd" and "Obsessive Ohio State Football Fan."
It would be irresponsible of me to not try and take advantage of that in this new NIL world, and frankly I'm kind of pissed that Ohio State threw their hat in with the likes of Opendorse instead of Johnny Ginter.
My card:
I swear it's an athlete's only choice, sign some deals and raise your voice!
"NIL!"
What's it called?
"NIL!"
Once again!
"NIL!"
Some of the services that I offer include: yelling your name really loud out my window at irregular intervals, high fiving people I meet as I say "That's from [YOUR NAME HERE]," spray painting whatever statistics you might accrue on the doors of my annoying neighbors who run their ATVs at 3 in the morning up and down the street, and more!
All I ask in return for this fantastically mutually beneficial relationship is that you read one of my articles aloud in a public setting at least once per month for the duration of our contract (I recommend this one, but it's your choice. You might want to spend a few weeks going over my entire catalog) while pausing every few sentences to praise it or laugh loudly. You, enormously popular athlete, can contact me at johnny@elevenwarriors.com and we'll figure something out.
Due to the volume of responses I am sure to receive, it may take me a few business days to respond.
Thank you.
"But what if players want to unionize?"
"We'll ignore them or say they lie!"
NIL!
NIL!
NILLLLLLLLLLLLL!
