Threat Level Didn't Believe It at First, But Michigan is Back, Baby!

By Johnny Ginter on September 30, 2019 at 7:25 pm
He's trying his best

I'll admit, I had my doubts.

In the past several weeks, I've referred to Michigan football as "bad," "stupid," "dire," "a complete waste of my time and yours," and at one point I might've slipped "an affront to god and man alike" in there. That was misguided.

Michigan handled business on Saturday, delivering on the promise of their talent and coaching by beating the absolute hell out of Rutgers, 52-0. It was an inspiring victory from a football team that seems poised to achieve all of their realistic preseason goals.

"Oh, it's only Rutgers," you say, half eaten grilled cheese sandwich hanging out of your mouth.

Only Rutgers?! Only Rutgers, the worst Big Ten program maybe ever, but still, a Big Ten team? Only Rutgers, who has more bowl wins than Michigan in the last decade? Only Rutgers, which had the guts to fire their head coach in the middle of me writing this (unlike some other programs, who hang on to bad coaches forever because the fit some ideal that the university has convinced themselves means anything)?

You simply don't understand; for the 2019 Michigan Wolverines, beating Rutgers is legitimately something to celebrate. And that's where they're at.


So let's celebrate!

Offense first: Shea Patterson didn't turn the ball over! And no one fumbled!


Well, that's not entirely correct. Shea Patterson threw an interception and someone did fumble. But it didn't lead to any points for Rutgers, which is a moral victory for the Wolverines.

But other than that, the Wolverine offense in general did exactly what they were supposed to do against the Fighting Chris Ash TBDs.

Actually, that's not entirely correct either. Patterson threw for 276 yards and a touchdown, but the Michigan running game continues to struggle (which, I need to emphasize, against Rutgers) with running back Zach Charbonnet limited and everyone else being meh in the extreme. Christian Turner was Michigan's leader on the ground, with 48 yards and 4.4 yards per carry. Justin Fields had a single carry against Nebraska that went for 41 yards. Just thought I'd mention it.

Did you know that Rutgers' starting quarterback is named Artur Sitkowski? That's also the name of a minor character in Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov! Beyond that, there's no reason to care about Rutgers' offense or how anyone performed against them.

Anyway, the Threat Level remains LOW, but Michigan did pick up a conference win so I decided to give them a special classification this week. Great job, guys!

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