The College Football Playoff Committee Has a Few More Rankings for You to Be Angry About

By David Regimbal on November 7, 2018 at 2:30 pm
College Football Playoff Committee
© Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

LSU is the seventh best team in the country right now. Washington State is only four spots away from the playoff. Kentucky, Syracuse and Florida are definitely top 15 teams.

At least, that's what the College Football Playoff Committee wants you to believe. The 13-member group released their second ranking on Tuesday evening, and they want to assure you their logic is not 100 percent nonsense.

You might find yourself asking something like, hey, wait a second, didn't LSU just get blanked and fail to register even 200 yards of offense — at home — against Alabama last Saturday?

Both the AP and Coaches Poll moved the Tigers behind Ohio State in their respective rankings (everyone rightfully has the Buckeyes as a fringe top 10 team), but the playoff committee needs you to realize that common sense is really a myth when you think about it hard enough.

Now that we're all on the same page, Eleven Warriors used the committee's sophisticated logic to assemble even more rankings that totally check out. 

The College Football Playoff Ranking of Office Lunches

  1. Reheated fish of any kind: Not only is it delicious and healthy, but it's a great conversation starter! All of your coworkers will surely take notice when you zap that leftover salmon in the microwave.
  2. Heart-healthy chicken noodle soup: It's like regular chicken noodle soup, except all the joy and happiness has been sucked out of it. Make sure you have the right tools to heat it up, however. The playoff committee can't tell you how many toasters they've ruined.
  3. Free pizza your boss ordered before giving you the rest of the day off: Certainly tasty, but a bit too filling for the committee's liking. You won't even have time to really savor it before leaving work to do something you'd much rather do anyway.

The College Football Playoff Ranking of Movies

  1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2: The first one was a doozy, but it's as if the creators of this masterpiece saved all their best punches for the second round. You haven't experienced emotional range until you see Kevin James' performance here. 
  2. Bio-Dome: Director Jason Bloom was masterful in casting Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin in this psychological thrill-ride that placed two well-meaning youths in a nightmare of a scientific experiment gone wrong. The committee is still so inspired by the film, they send $13 to Bloom's home address every six weeks. Inspiration shouldn't be free.
  3. The Shawshank Redemption: Neat storyline, but prison is a bummer. If Andy Dufresne had been placed in... I don't know, we're spitballing here, a nightmare of a scientific experiment gone wrong? And then swap the overrated Tim Robbins for a Shore or a less-famous Baldwin brother, then you'd be on to something.

The College Football Playoff Ranking of Life Hacks

  1. Cover your keys in Mustard: If you're like the committee members, you're always losing your car keys. An easy fix to this everyday frustration is covering them in mustard every time you get home. That way, if you misplace them, they'll be much easier to find because they'll be covered in mustard. Just follow the stains!
  2. Pre-peel your bananas: Tired of waiting for those green bananas to turn yellow? Peel those suckers the moment you get home from the grocery store to quicken the ripening process. You'll usually get a bonus ant farm out of it as thousands of those potassium seekers usually swarm our countertops. The committee respects their hustle and grade the ants favorably as well. Inspiring work-ethic.
  3. Using your near-empty jar of Nutella as an ice cream bowl: This ranks lower because it isn't universal. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth, so it doesn't apply like the two higher ranked life hacks. However, if you also lose your Nutella as frequently as the committee, the mustard trick works here as well.

The College Football Playoff Ranking of People to Get Stuck in an Elevator With

  1. Some dude who still says, "Winning!" à la Charlie Sheen from 2011: This guy is more Axe body spray than human, sure, but he'll keep you entertained while you wait for help to arrive. Just don't make direct eye contact because he'll take that as a threat and try to wrestle you, albeit poorly. 
  2. An a cappella band that exclusively covers Creed songs: That elevator was supposed to take you higher, but it got stuck and these beautiful souls accepted you with arms wide open. You think this is your own prison? Your sacrifice? No. It's paradise.
  3. The cast of your favorite television show: Jim, Pam and Michael Scott from The Office? Walter White and Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad? The six friends from the hit 90's series Friends? Sure, that could be fun, but you know what they say, never meet your hero. And none of those people could make music without the aid of instruments.

The College Football Playoff Ranking of Recreational Hobbies

  1. Cleaning up after other people's petsPet-owners can be rude sometimes. Rather than sit around and let life pass you by, get off the couch and stroll your neighborhood looking for messes that haven't been cleaned up yet. The cops rarely get called and your community Nextdoor group probably won't write warning messages about you.
  2. Create many group texts and keep them active as frequently as possible: Few things are more important than your friends and family, and they need to stay connected. What better way to do that than constantly pinging their phones while they're at work, at home resting or even trying to fall asleep. 
  3. Have a dedicated weekly hang session with your best friends: It'll stick if you choose something sustainable and fun. Golfing? Hiking? Poker? Whatever floats your boat — just know this hobby will be graded lower because you're being so obviously co-dependent and you need to learn how to love yourself. 
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